[Little Missy]

It's all up to me...how far down am I willing to go? How much suffering must I put myself through? Am I willing to die?

What am I willing to do to change things?

After 4 days of suicidal thoughts, I had enough. The thoughts were caused by a combination of things, but it was just shove that I needed. With pain, comes our greatest lessons.

I called a counselor yesterday. One that I had seen 6 years ago while I was still drinking. Heck, I drank in her office!! Sheesh!!

I left work early today and went and talked to her. She's just as nice as I remembered her being. She is helping straighten some things out.

She's been reading up on how not eating effects your insulin level which then effects your mood. Perfect timing for me. She wants me to start eating small "meals" at least 5 times a day. Trying to get my stomach to stop hurting and be more willing to accept the food. Also trying to get the insulin levels to level out.

She said she doesn't care what it is I eat or the calories in it. Just need to eat something and we will work on the nutrition later. Make it something fun and something I want to eat. I said good, cause I won't eat anything I don't want. Who the hell would? I'm also suppose to cut down on my caffiene to see if that helps my stomach.

I've been trying to do this. Some days, I'm more successful then others, but I'm not giving up!! I've had a mini cruller for breakfast. A honeybun for lunch, and a handfull of puffcorn after my appointment!! So I'm doing really well today!! I'm happy with myself!!

Today, I sought help, and actually went. I've eaten 3 of my 5 meals. Hooray!! I only had minimal suicidal thoughts today, which is wonderful compared to the last 4 days!!

I'm on it!! Let's celebrate!!