I'd like to talk about children who are sexually abused

[Coffeebean]

Okay, I'm just going to be straight and to the point here. So here's the thing. In April of 2004, my boys were sexually abused by a 10 year old boy. My oldest was 5, and my younger son had just turned 4. It was a truamatic time for all of us. At first, my boys were very much disturbed. As time has gone on, however, it gets further behind us. They are 10 and 8 1/2 now.

When this happened to them, I made every effort to inform others. Their new daycare, their teachers at school, etc. One thing that has always troubled me is the thought of them doing to someone else what was done to them. Perhaps my concerns are valid. Or maybe I'm paranoid. Anyway, to this day I make sure their teachers are informed. At the beginning of every school year I talk to them. I want them to know, I want to be honest with them. This is so if they behave in a way that is concerning, they know their history. I have nothing to hide.

The questions I am having now, are that my boys are at an age where they're getting invited to birthday parties constantly. This is fine, especially in a setting such as a bowling alley, or other place where activities will consume their time. Dylan, however (my 10 year old), has recently brought home an invitation for yet another birthday party. This time, it is for a sleep over. I don't know what to do. I have no problem talking to the parents about what happened to my boys. I think that when people try to keep silent, and sweep things under the rug, that more harm is done than good. Being informed is the way to go. Terrible things like this DO happen in our society and we cannot ignore this fact. I never thought it would or could happen to my children, but the fact is, it DID.

The thing is, first of all, a part of me fears that if I do talk to other parents, such as the ones hosting the sleep over, that my boys will be shunned, and not get invited to things anymore. I do not want them treated differently than other children, that would only make the hurt worse. But the truth is, I feel like I have to tell them if my child is going to attend. In fact, I refuse to allow my child to attend such an event unless I do inform the parent(s). This is the responsible thing to do. This way, they can just be aware and keep an eye on things. Do I think anything would happen, that my boys would actually try to do something to another child? I hope not, of course. but the fact is, more often than not, the cycle of abuse repeats itself, so it's best to be cautious. It would not be uncommon for them to indeed do to another child what was done to them. I have accepted this is a possibility. The thought of them doing so horrifys me, though.

So what do I do? How do I approach other parents, especially when my boys are invited to something like this, and expalin to them that while my boys are doing very well, and have never done anything to another child, that they still need to be supervised? I feel good supervision is the key to preventing such things from occurring. They are good boys. They were just hurt in the most terrible way once, their innocence stolen from them. It wasn't something they chose. I don't want my boys to feel bad. I don't want Dylan to go to this sleep over, though. I haven't had the opportunity to speak with the other child's mother. I don't know her or how she'd even react. This party is tonight. I know he will be hurt if I don't let him go. Yet I can't bring myself to allow him to this time. Not until I can figure out how to talk to other parents. They have a right to feel how they do regarding such things, and it's not my place to say otherwise. I don't want them to feel they have to be "okay" with everything, you know? It's okay not to be okay with it.

I have thought about talking to the principal, or the counselor at their school about educating parents about child sexual abuse. Educating them that these things do happen, and they can happen to any child. Help them learn that the victims are just that, and even though the possibility of that cylce continuing is there, that we have the chance to break that cycle, and treating the vicitims like they did something wrong by shunning them and treating them differently than a child who has not been sexually abused is not what they should do.

There are no support groups in my area for parents of sexually abused children, or for the children themselves. I have thought about starting one, as I know there are other parents out there, and other children who have been hurt. I just think most parents are afraid to tell anyone. Feeling ashamed is a natural, normal feeling, of course. But ignoring the problem doesn't help one heal from that hurt. I don't know how to begin such a support group. If anyone has any ideas, please let me know.

Talking about what happened to my children used to be very painful, indeed. As time has passed, it has become easier. From day one, however, even though it was very painful, I never thought twice about talking about it, trying to educate parents. It seems the more I talk about it, the more I heal. I was sexually abused as a small child. I know how difficult it is to have to live with someone violating you and stealing your innocence. I always said I would never allow that to happen to my children. But I couldn't stop it. I think this helped tear me up inside when it happened. I know it did have a huge imact upon my addiction. Those pills numbed me up enough that I could get through it and be there to help them. I know there is never an excuse to use, but I will say, I think when this happened to my children, if I had not used and numbed my feelings, I don't know how I would have gotten through it, especially without hurting someone. I didn't have much support from others. Everyone just said to act like it never happened, they will forget. But children don't forget something like that. I know from experience. I was about the age of 3 when it happened to me.

Anyway, I figure there's a chance I'm the only parent here with children who have been sexually abused. However, all parents can give me their opinion on how they would handle hearing that their child's friend is a victim of such abuse, how they would feel about the child coming over and having a sleep over. Would it be overwhelming? would you be okay with it? Would you not want your child being friends with the child who was abused? Would you blame the parent for what happened to the child? I'm sure I have other questions, but can't think of them at the moment. Also, if anyone has questions relating to what happened to my children, or anything, please ask. I will answer honestly and your questions will not offend me. I think this is a topic that should be discussed by every parent.


Thank you for reading this, I appreciate it.



Coffee...