I just don't know anymore

[AgainstTheWind]

Not sure if this really belongs in this forum or somewhere else (or nowhere at all). Couldn't find other discussions about this topic, so I suspect this post will be in violation of your village "rules". Sorry if it's inappropriate. Feel free to delete it. This was the only place I could think of coming where I might be able to let it out (and not be ridiculed).

Warning: I'm in a very dark place right now, so you may not want to read any further.

I'm tired. Tired of dealing with the financial mess that I've created. Tired of people's unrealistic expectations of me. Tired of being told I could do this or that if only I would "apply myself". Tired of people assuming that things could get done if I wanted to do them; the fact that they are not just means I don't want to do them. Tired of wondering week in and week out if this is the week I'll get fired. Tired of trying; really trying. And failing miserably, time and time again. I've had enough. I give up. You guys win.

I can't instantly fix everything and all of your collective badgering isn't helping. It's only making things worse. Why can't any of you realize that?

To the assholes at work: Don't you think I would have already written all the f***ing reports if I were able? My attention span is practically non-existent. I can't concentrate, am easily distracted and struggle to get my thoughts down on paper. What may be clear as day in my head comes out clear as mud. Trust me when I say this frustrates me much more than it frustrates all of you. You think nothing's getting done cause I don't want to do it. But you're wrong. And that attitude is killing me.

To the collection agency assholes: First you all send notices requesting monthly payments of $500 each. Second request is for $8000 each. Final request is payment in full .. for all of them. If I couldn't fulfill the first request, then why do you bother requesting higher amounts? What part of this don't you get? I'm going under. I DON'T HAVE THE F***ING MONEY. I've tried to negotiate with most of you, to no avail. At 30% interest I'd be paying on this til the day I die and not even make a tiny dent in the debt. You people and your constant calls are sending me over the edge. You all are lucky you are located in Utah, Arizona, Maryland and Ontario and not in Florida cause I probably would have put a bullet in each of you by now.

To my dogs: Mommy's sorry. You guys were the bright spot in my life. You're all good dogs and you'll be ok.

My life's a mess, I'm a mess and everything I touch turns into a mess. I hate my life and I hate the person I turned out to be. Things don't look like they'll improve any time in the near future (or distant future for that matter); they are just going to continue getting worse - and I didn't think that was even possible. I don't know what else to do; can't see any other options. I just don't see any other way to get out from underneath all of this.

Been listening to Metallica and the words to "Fade to Black" really resonate with me. The longer I listen, the more heart felt they become.

Life, it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters, no one else

I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can't be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but it's too late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try
Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye