My life has turned to chaos and confusion.

[bubblegum]

My husband has continued his binge drinking behavior – but more recently it has been happening more and more.

He also seems to be working through some sort of power struggle in his own head where he thinks he should be in control of everything. This is making him become pretty much a bully at home. We had the opportunity to bring home a new puppy. I decided I did not have the energy to cope with the dog we have, a puppy, Tessa, and the new baby on the way. He told me it was my decision – but when I made the decision that he didn’t like, I became the bad guy.
Friday night he came home and almost first thing grabbed a beer. I asked him not to drink that night – I wanted us to spend time together, watch a movie, hang out. That isn’t possible when he is drinking. Well one beer turned into twelve. I think he also broke into the liquor. I went to bed and locked the bedroom door – I have informed him of this boundary – he drinks he isn’t sleeping with me. About 1:30am, he almost breaks down the door and is yelling because he can’t get in. I was ignoring it and not saying anything until I heard Tessa crying – so had to get up, go out, and get her. She was scared. He tried to fight, I tried to just let it not happen as much as possible. I ended up just sleeping/laying on the floor of Tessa’s room that night.

Yesterday morning, I told him things need to really change or I want a divorce. He didn’t really have much to say to that. I packed up and took Tessa to a meeting, and then went out to lunch with some women. I came home, and he was crying. So I was like what is going on? He wanted to talk. I put Tessa down for her nap – come talk to him – and he tells me he cheated on me two months ago. To be honest it seems like he was just telling me so he wouldn’t feel so guilty about this secret.

I couldn’t deal with it. I called one of my girlfriends she was off to get a pedicure, so I decided to just head out and join her. Keep busy. Went and had a pedicure then went to dinner with a few friends then had “girls night in” and played board games and talked with friends. Came home and went and slept in the guest room last night.

This morning – he says aren’t we going to talk about this. I don’t have anything to say at this point. I told him that. I asked him to leave. He wants to know how long where am I supposed to go. Said I don’t know and figure it out. I need space – I don’t know what to do. Half of me is saying work this out, the other is saying run the other direction. Is what is telling me to run that same old addict behavior that says don’t deal with the tough stuff? Is the side telling me to stay just my big co-dependent mess? I keep going back and forth between wanting to call a therapist or an attorney first thing tomorrow morning. Ironic in a way – considering those are each of our careers.

Once a cheater always a cheater? I don’t know. Just a drunken mistake? I know I am guilty of many many of those.

He is packing up his stuff right now. I am trying to keep it together, not cry, not let Tessa know things are majorly off – but I know she senses it.

I love him and this is not how I wanted things to work out. We have a baby on the way – and I don’t want him/her to be born in the middle of a divorce.

I need space. I need time to think about what I want. Try get myself centered enough to be in a spot to make a real decision. He needs that too. He needs to figure out what he wants, and what he is willing to do about it. He also needs to see the consequences of his actions. I know some of this is issues we need to resolve together – but some of it, like his drinking and cheating behavior, he needs to work on for himself. So I guess partly – I sit back and wait and see what he is willing to do.

I plan on doing a whole lot of writing in the next few days, weeks, months. Try figure out what to do. Right now I feel so lost. I can’t even identify all the feelings going on, and they change by the second.