my drinking is destroying my relationship

[kygirl]

Hello. I am new to this, and am terrified I just lost my boyfriend because I once again got drunk and said some very mean, abusive things. We have been together for about a year and a half, and have had some very amazing times together and share many healthy outdoors and active activities together. We drink too much when we are together, and we go through periods where we work on it and periods where we drink every night.

This past weekend he went out of town, and I was upset that he went out of town and didn't include me, so I decided to sit at home and get hammered. Then, I decide to send him about 30 mean text messages, breaking up with him, calling him a liar, addict etc etc. I woke up the next morning with that horrible feeling of regret and think I may have just permanently ended us. This has happened before, and I have vowed it will never happen again, yet it always does. Months may past, but the drinking just gets a hold of me and I lose my rationale.

I am a very kind person, I am always fun to be around, I am giving and affectionate and care for him deeply. When I drink, I can not stop after one or two drinks, but end up drinking until I am hammered. I don't always get angry and say mean things, but it does happen too frequently.

He is not the only boyfriend who has told me I have a problem. I grew up with an alcoholic mother. I know I have a problem but I can;t control it. I have always hung around drinkers, I love to party and have fun, but it looks as though I may lose the most important person in my life and be stuck alone with a bottle.

What do I do? How do I redeem myself? How do I prove to him I don't mean those things I say? I may have harsh feelings trapped inside towards him because I do believe he cheated on me a few months ago (he says I pushed him away from our fighting) and I have a hard time controlling my emotions about it when I drink.
Help!