How to deal with husband who doesn't "get" my problem?

[c'est la vie]

I've been in "recovery" for a year and a half and haven't yet been able to commit to abstinence because I'm afraid of the future. Although my husband says he supports me not drinking and has even cut back on his own drinking, I still have fear.

I fear that he romances the good times and will be so sad to not have me drinking and getting silly. I want to share a bottle of champagne with him on our last day in France, but I fear that will only reinforce the happy times drinking. If only he could see me drunk at home and crying. Then he would know the real truth.

I fear leaning on therapy or AA since I think he views that as weak and unnecessary.

I fear telling him that I don't want to go to a party or host a party because it will seem as if I'm trying to "milk" the problem (I should be able to just "get over it" and move on).

I fear that he will not have fun because he feels guilty drinking too much around me. I also fear that he would choose to just go out with friends and leave me out since I will cause such a downer by not drinking.

I fear that he is embarrassed by my problem with alcohol and would prefer not to admit that it's a real problem. I think he wants it to be a small blip on the radar that will go away if we don't think or talk about it.

I fear that he believes that I want to quit simply because I want to be healthier, not that I HAVE to quit because I CAN'T drink and remain sane. It's a subtle difference but it completely discounts the fact that I want to drink and can't and that it's actually an effort to NOT drink (at least for now).



I want him to feel the struggle so he knows it's real and not imaginary. I want to be able to honestly tell him what I'm thinking or feeling and not hide behind the facade of "I'm fine. Don't worry about me."

I HATE THIS!! HELP