Dipping my toe into this forum

[BrandiK]

It dawned on me, quite a while ago in all honesty, that I ought to be in this forum too. I spend my time in the recovery for alcohol forums. I have a hard time reading here, because not only do I see that I am struggling with an alcoholic in my family ... but I also see the harm I did to others, how my own drinking affected the lives around me. I have a hard time seeing that and quickly slip back into my own denial ... which puts me back into denial that someone close to me is affecting my life, and my family, with their drinking. It's a swell cycle.

Anyway ... my husband came home slurring again last night. I can tell when he's been drinking, some inner alarm goes off, some sign or warning I register unconsciousnessly. Normally it's just as I begin to trust him again. Then he calls, and I can hear the slur. I can see it in his energy when he gets home. I can smell it too ... but he's not a drinker like I was. He'll have a few beers and be done, a few beers and be done ... then binge a bit ... then a few beers and be done. I just never know when it's a few beers I am smelling and when he's drunk, but I hate them both.

He comes home and denys it. He denys it so thoroughly, so completely ... I begin to think I am crazy. It all come back to me, to my projecting it on to him. And I really think my head gets so twisted around it that I dont even mention it once he's denyed it. I just stick close to home, make sure he's not too rambunctious with the kids, tell him I'd like some coffee should I make some for him too, and offer to cook dinner, which I make extra starchy. By the end of the night, no matter what, I always end up ashamed for accusing him of drinking. Even though I know he was drunk. I feel insane.

Last night, when he'd leave the room, I'd dump some more coffee from my cup down the sink so he'd think I'd been drinking it and not catch on that I'd made it just for him. This is not sane behavior.

I dont know where to put all this termoil. So I thought maybe I should come here. Maybe I am not crazy. Am I crazy? All of this is hard to hold together in my head, to accept ... I had to put it all down while I could.

Of course, he's up now and hovering. Away goes this forum, for now. Thank you.