Hello again family

[jpeace]

I missed you all! Life has been crazy, crazy the last year or so. I can't even remember how long it's been since I have been here, but I have thought of you all and kept you in my prayers.

Since I read a couple other confessions, and our program stresses honesty always, I guess I should fess up too. I'm starting over after almost 4 years sober. I was trying not to make a big huge deal of it, but I at least have to say something to those of you who have been so loving and supportive for so long.

I think I got cocky. I was never truly sure I was an alcoholic, and part of me still isn't--I know I have a tendency to abuse alcohol, that I can own 150%. I don't/didn't ever drink every single day, never got far enough gone that I lost my job, my friends, family, etc...like so many others have. I was the dangerous kind--a "functional drunk." I could go to work sober, be fine all day, and even sometimes all week, but come the weekend, it was ON. Or come a bad day at work, I was running for the bottle to make it go away.
I managed to honestly stay sober for all that time without much besides this forum and my sponsor, who I have kinda drifted away from in the last year, probably due to busyness on both our parts. It's not her fault. I didn't really "need" her after a while, and since she is not close by it was becoming next to impossible for me to finish my 4th/5th step with her. It's done, for the most part, all written and ready to read, but I guess I didn't take enough initiative to get it done. Anyway....I'll figure that part out later.

There's no big dramatic story here really. I almost feel silly "confessing." I had a beer or two while out with a group of friends a couple months or so ago. Just two. No biggie. It didn't spark cravings, or a drinking binge, or any of the things I have seen some of you struggle with. It was just two beers. Nothing else after that for weeks. Then, I started having some stress in my current relationship. One night, we decided we wanted a glass of wine with dinner. OK, I can do that. I had the beer and nothing bad happened. But we were having a bad day--his ex wife is a royal bitch and is trying so hard to rip us apart--that we, or I should say I, kicked the whole bottle while cooking dinner. We stopped at that, but I was pretty buzzed, having been clean for so long, and the old feelings of....more, more, make this shit go away.....started to come back. I still didn't drink after that, but several times have felt that reflex as we are still continuing to deal with the ex and her shenanigans.

I honestly have not felt the urge to drink when I was stressed out for at least the last two of the four years I was sober. I had other tools, other options, and used them. Religiously. But ever since I had a few here and there, the demon apparently woke up. I'm still OK today, and I haven't drank since that night at dinner, and don't plan to. But I think it scared me a little that while I'm not completely out of control yet, I certainly have the propensity to get there if I am not careful.

So there you have it. I humbly come back to my family, who I truly have missed. I'm not asking for forgiveness, and I know the doors are always open here, but I guess I just needed to get this all out today. It's been a rough weekend and it is only Saturday morning. But I am sober today and plan to stay there.

Thanks for letting me share. I love you guys, and it is good to be home.

[Fifi]

(((jpeace))) good to hear from you again.

It pays to be wary of the demon, doesn't it... I've been having my own issues with that lately.

Look forward to hearing more from you, and welcome back to your family

Fifi

[indigo]

Hey welcome back home and you don't need to apologize it's just good to see you and if you need us to help and support you know where to come.

[Autumn]

Welcome home, Genie....

[laurie6781]

I am glad you have made it back!!!!!

I don't/didn't ever drink every single day, never got far enough gone that I lost my job, my friends, family, etc...like so many others have

Those are YETS' that are awaiting you.

At the end of 1978 I was still very 'functional' had the Great Job, The Fancy Car, The Really Nice House, the jewels, and the furs. In June of 1981, I was living out of a beat up old '63 ford in the back of the Hollywood Bowl Park Parking Lot.

had a beer or two while out with a group of friends a couple months or so ago. Just two. No biggie. It didn't spark cravings, or a drinking binge, or any of the things I have seen some of you struggle with. It was just two beers. Nothing else after that for weeks. Then, I started having some stress in my current relationship. One night, we decided we wanted a glass of wine with dinner. OK, I can do that. I had the beer and nothing bad happened. But we were having a bad day--his ex wife is a royal bitch and is trying so hard to rip us apart--that we, or I should say I, kicked the whole bottle while cooking dinner. We stopped at that, but I was pretty buzzed, having been clean for so long, and the old feelings of....more, more, make this shit go away.....started to come back. I still didn't drink after that, but several times have felt that reflex as we are still continuing to deal with the ex and her shenanigans.

You are describing THE PROGRESSION that is happening to you.

And now you say that

the demon apparently woke up. I'm still OK today, and I haven't drank since that night at dinner, and don't plan to. But I think it scared me a little that while I'm not completely out of control yet, I certainly have the propensity to get there if I am not careful.

I am not going to sit here and say you are or are not an alcoholic, but it is clear you do have a problem with alcohol at this point.

I know that when I was honest with myself, this sentence in the first paragraph of Chapter 4:

If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if, when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic.

Sure helped me make up my mind.

Again I am glad to see you back. Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so very much!

Love and hugs,

[CDawg]

Hey stranger,

Damn, it's good to see you, even under these circumstances. Hell, especially under these circumstances. You knew to come home. So lets see, you just got the shit scared out of yourself. Now I count differently than the traditional 12-steppers, and I believe that there is a difference between getting back to basics and starting over. But let's just take a look, shall we? Where exactly did the train start to go off of the tracks? Because this didn't start on the day you decided to have that beer. Events in your life led you to that point. Events in your program led you there. Now this is just my opinion, but somewhere, sobriety maintenance got lost. When we drive on that smooth road for so long, we tend to forget that there are potholes and construction sites and traffic jams. But you remember now, don't you. So quit kicking yourself in the butt for hitting a pothole. Remember how you got from that cow path onto that smooth highway. Find your way back to the road that you were traveling. We're here for you.

Hugs,

C

[jpeace]

Very good points, Laurie. Especially that last one. It was what helped me think I needed to be here last time--the can't stop when you do drink part. Sometimes I can, but a lot of times, particularly if I am upset about something, I can't. Or won't. Or both.

Much food for thought here and thank you all so much for the warm welcome home. Drinking aside, since there hasn't been much of that going on since the slip, there's a lot of other crap driving me batty and I am trying very, very hard to stay focused. Knowing you are all here helps tremendously.

[Chy]

Well oh my gosh! Look who's home! So glad to see you girl!
I'm glad you're back.

[remi]

Jpeace,

I really got a lot out of your post. Many of the things you described sound like they could have happened to me. Thank you so much for sharing.

[justme59]

Oh! Welcome back !
it is soooooooooo easy to become complacent isn't it ? especially when things are going well.
I had a period of time when I became complacent, and although I didnt pick up a drink, all my old thinking was returning . I had been unable to get to meetings for legitimate reasons AT FIRST, and then it just became so easy , too cold, too tired , too busy ect , i also drifted away from my sponser, although I had done my steps with her, but I just didnt rng as often, and finally stopped .

I was under a lot of stress at work, and not physically well, and i was on a treadmill. I was close to retirement age, and thank God I had my programme, and realised what was happening. I DID retire, and got back to meetings, rang my Spons, and got involved in 12 step work, and am back on an even keel again , thank goodness!
I know now that to achieve results I actually have to DO something, LOL it doesnt all just seep in there .

For me, acceptance has definitely been the key to ALL my recovery

I can do ANYTHING in this life, except drink grog

So glad you got back

HUGX
leigh

[jpeace]

Hello and happy Saturday!!! Thank you all again for the warm welcome home.

I had an amazing recovery "thing" happen today which I wanted to share with everyone, because I know you will get it and I am still sitting here shaking my head--in happy amazement and gratitude for the way HP is always there when most needed.

I have been reconnecting with a lot of old friends from high school lately and my very dear friend from GRADE school found me a couple weeks ago. She lives very close to me now and we haven't seen each other in 25 years. We went to breakfast today, and as we were catching up, she told me that she met her husband........at an AA meeting! She is a program sister! I was shocked, she was always so put together and straight-laced in school. Her story is even in the latest edition of the BB. That blew me away too. I had no idea, and of course neither did she about me.

We spent a lot of time talking recovery stuff at breakfast after that, and I expressed a lot of my concerns/reluctance about going to meetings in our area because of all the sleezebags and 13th steppers. She told me about a women's meeting not far from my work that she goes to, and a step study group that a friend from that meeting runs at her house. I am going to try it out next week. My Naranon group's anniversary is this week and my favorite of all NA speakers, one of the members' husbands, is speaking. I always go when he speaks, I love his story and the way he presents it. But next week, I am going to try the Monday meeting with her.

We both have the same philosophy about meetings, the steps, and taking what you need and leaving the rest. She's way more active in the program than I am, and she has never fallen once she hit bottom, at a way worse point than I was, and she is very much at peace. I told her what you said, Laurie, and she agrees with you that while I was lucky not to get where she had gotten, that I still can if I don't watch myself and be wary of the progressiveness of the disease.

So we shall see what happens....but apparently it is no coincidence that we just "happened" back into each other's lives right now. But then again, is it ever?

Thanks for letting me share again....I thought you would all find that a neat story! I did.

Oh, and PS---still not drinking today!

[laurie6781]

but apparently it is no coincidence that we just "happened" back into each other's lives right now.

Nope sure isn't. That was a GOD SHOT for sure!!!!

You go girl!!!!!!

Love and hugs,

[Peggy Power]

What a wonderful story, jpeace! I agree, there are no "coincidences" -- you were meant to find each other at exactly this time. Sounds like you're doing GREAT! Thanks for sharing.

[justme59]

WOW! what a God job !

That's fantstic jpeace, I DO hope you enjoy your meeting with your friend, and how wonderful to have a best friend in recovery !
What great support you will be for each other

That's our programme at work

HUGX
Leigh

[jpeace]

Our program is truly a blessing, one that I was grateful for today. I had a rotten day at work, a lot of stress and three proposals due this week, much mayhem and chaos. This group ALWAYS, I am learning, waits til the last minute to do stuff, which is really not like research types at all. It is difficult, although they are all really nice people so it is hard to get mad at them. Couple that with struggling to heal from a particularly tough breakup last week, and boy did I want to do something stupid tonight so I did not have to "feel" anymore.

I came home and wrote and wrote, let a lot of anger and cursing and really vile stuff out, and now I am good and tired and ready for sleep. And sober, which is the best part of all. Plus, I got to see Zanna's eaglecam. If you haven't seen it, its in the May-low Yel-low thread in peer support groups. It is a live webcam pointed at an eagle's nest, and we are having a lot of fun watching them daily. Good therapy, animals are.

Good sober night, peeps. Whew!

[Autumn]

Hey Genie - I don't know how I missed your post Saturday! That's way cool about meeting up with your old friend, and beyond coincidence, no doubt!

Sorry to read about your breakup. That's rough. You've gotta do what you've gotta do to take care of you, tho. Good for you staying sober through it all.

[Chy]

Wow that's so cool! Glad you are doing great and what a God Shot for sure!

[kathy]

What a cool phrase "God shot"... I like it. An awful lot.