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#41
05-26-2009, 09:44 PM
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Try anything and everything. I've heard a lot of people have success in curbing the craving with Camphral or one of those meds. I did not end up having to take those. The IOP in combination with my desire to be sober was enough. I tend to go back and forth on the AA deal. It saved my life on more than one occasion, and it is what I use to stay sober. [I have NEVER heard of any place that would require you to have your sponsor involved with your family]. Check out some meetings - if you don't like it, try something else, but I will tell you from my experience, after really listening in meetings and really working a program for awhile, this huge light came on in my head and something was lifted from my shoulders. It was like one day I woke up and I GOT it.
I would like to get back there again. I am not there yet, but hopefully will find that feeling again with my continued sobriety. Obviously, nothing but you has the ability to keep yourself sober. AA, medication, etc. definitely help. AA - because you are "part of" a community of people who WANT to be there (for the most part - of course there are always those that are there on court card, but you want to find those people who want to be there to hang out with). Also, there could be a lot about AA that you think is crap. That sounds like a joke. But, let that gloss over you. take what you want and leave the rest. Eventually, you may decide it is not for you. OR, you may decide it is. But you can never ever know without giving it the ole "college try." And Believe Me. I am no AA "Big Book Thumper." And never was. I just remember that feeling when I was sober for awhile and actually working those steps. And it really felt good. You owe it to yourself to take some action - whatever it might be. And, if your work schedule is sporadic, AA might be the best option as there are meetings ALL the time. But, if you can do some kind of outpatient program, I would HIGHLY recommend it. Best of Luck and keep posting.;
__________________
From what we get, we can make a living; what we give, however, makes a life. - Arthur Ashe        
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#42
05-27-2009, 01:50 PM
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Quote:
Quote:
You also mentioned that you were worse earlier in your life and that you believe it's a sign that you are getting better slowly. I think that's actually a sign of progression. I've read that later in alcoholism it doesn't take as much to keep the dependence in high gear. I also believe (from experience) that the obsession is FAR greater than the intake of alcohol later in the progression. That's what brought me in. I couldn't shake the thought of alcohol even though I would drink a few days in one week and nothing the next week. No one on the outside would have ever guessed I was so messed up on the inside.
__________________
Denial will lead you down a path of destruction while making you think it's a joyride.
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#43
05-29-2009, 09:10 AM
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I haven't had a day off all week. I'm determined to go to an AA meeting, but I'm going to Chicago this weekend so it'll have to wait. I think I have two days off when I come back, and I already have the meeting schedules pasted on my desktop. It's taken me this long to really get my head together, stabilize my depression, incessantly talking myself out of it. I feel very surreal still, like a grownup having the same childish nightmare, and I've had actual nightmares too all this week, or at least very disturbing dreams, very disturbing... I don't know what else, I'm like a blank slate right now, slippery, all thoughts slipping right off me, defense mechanism? I'm not sure. Maybe I've finally drank myself into stupidity. Thank you all for advice, empathy, well wishes... I'll post more when I return, I will not drink in Chicago... I will not drink in Chicago... I will not drink in Chicago...
__________________
“The true enemy of god is boredom” - Soccergirl
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#44
05-29-2009, 10:43 AM
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You can write a new story, a new life on your 'blank 'slate' All the very best for the weekend we have faith in you please go ahead and take enough that you need.
__________________
 'Love is life believing in itself'. Manitonquat.
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#45
05-29-2009, 10:52 AM
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KT - sending you some love and hugs (unconditional and non-judgemental
 ).Just wondering if you have ever tried meditation at all. Praps something to explore when you get back from Chicago. Take care  Fifi 
__________________
"Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive." H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama
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#46
05-29-2009, 12:06 PM
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Hi KT
 I was reading your posts and feeling a lot of empathy for your pain and struggle. This comment stood out to me: Quote:
Good luck in Chicago. I'm attempting my first sober weekend in a very long time so maybe we can swop experiences if you feel like it. lelli
__________________
Its not your fault, look around, there's so many of us There's so many of us, you are not alone Ever, ever, ever. Stop.
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#47
06-04-2009, 07:08 PM
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I'm back from Chicago. I didn't drink. It was actually a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. I masked all the meaninlessness and hoplessness and pointlessness that I felt inside and was able to act out a good time. I'm so tired of pretending who I am, it's so exhausting...
__________________
“The true enemy of god is boredom” - Soccergirl
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#48
06-04-2009, 07:29 PM
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I am glad you made it through!!!!! Good job!!!!!!
Quote:
The FREEDOM I received from abstaining, although the abstaining was VERY ROUGH at first, gave me the ability over time to figure out WHO I WAS and has allowed me to become that person for the most part, as I am still evolving, lol I have slowly learned how to be TRUE TO MYSELF. And the funniest (not funny ha ha) thing of all that has come about is: When I stopped 'pretending' and was just me, and yes even with my sharp tongue (it has softened also, lol) had to make many amends, I have come to find that not only do folks accept me, even my family, they even like me. WOW not that was really a revelation. See KT when I got sober, I had NO CLUE who Laurie was. Not a clue. I had been so many different people to so many people, I had no idea who I was. As I stayed sober, One Day At A Time, and learned how to 'interact' with others in a new and different way, (mostly at the meetings to begin with) had a sponsor who would call me on my Chit when needed (usually to remind, when she saw some 'old way' creeping out) I started to learn how to be sad, happy, lonely, surrounded by friends, etc and just be okay with it. Yeah, I know, another part of 'acceptance.' This is when I really started journalling. Sort of started trying to figure out WHAT I WASN'T before I could figure out who I was. I know you said you thought you might give AA a try. Well .......................................... whether you embrace the AA program or not, I would sincerely suggest going to the meetings. I found they were a great way for me to stop ISOLATING. And low and behold I found many others there, going in part for the same reason, to stop ISOLATING from the world and other human beings. As I have said many many times before, the meetings were where I felt SAFE. The meetings were where I could just sit and listen and absorb information and WATCH how other people interacted with each other. Where I got to see the 'realness' of some folks and started to see that it was okay to "let it all hang out" so to speak. I also think you might benefit from seeing an 'addiction therapist'. You may have to go through a few until you find one you 'click' with, but it will probably, in the long run bring only positive results for you. You and others know KT that I have been around a long time now, and when I got sober AA was the only game in town. Years into recovery I started hearing about CBT (the term wasn't even in existence when I got sober, rofl how's that for OLD?) and thanks to Don found out about SMART and started checking it out some, I realized that those Old Timers in AA had given me those tools, and I just hadn't known it. Everything was INTO ACTION, changing my actions, in order to change my THINKING. Looking at THE PRICE a particular action was going to cost me or was costing me, etc Then PRACTICING AND PRACTICING AND PRATICING a 'new way' of doing something. Man, I have done so much practicing over the years, rofl but it has made a difference, a good difference in my life. So, even though you are feeling EXTREMELY OVERWHELMED, please take heart and have hope. You can do this! You can find the 'real' KT (whom I suspect is a pretty darn compassionate caring person) and you can live a full life. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, you know we do care so very much. Love and hugs,
__________________
 "God Bless You All As You Trudge The Road Of Happy Destiny (especially when you are trudgin thru alligators up to your butt)."
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#49
06-04-2009, 07:49 PM
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 ((((Laurie)))) Thanks Laurie. The real KT... hmmm. Well, yea, that's what I need. I am very good at staying sober, getting sober, I'm very good at 'tasks' in general. But sustainability will never last unless I (A) figure out just who the funk I am and (B) STOP ISOLATING. So, this is my short term goal, by Sunday (since I'm working every night until then)...I didn't realize they had 'addiction therapists'. Makes sense though. I have a list of numbers for IOP's in my area, I'll ask around about this, I have to figure out what my insurance will cover first... I can't think too well today, I just wanted to say I'm back and I didn't drink and I'm horribly depressed but that's ok...
__________________
“The true enemy of god is boredom” - Soccergirl
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#51
06-04-2009, 10:43 PM
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Congrats KT!!! One day at a time. You know all that. But heck, you went to Shy town and didn't drink!!! That is awesome and I know really really hard. So, I am truly impressed.
I so know exactly how you feel, so you are definitely NOT alone. And I do see an "addiction" specialist. He is a psychiatrist who specializes in helping people with addictions. . .I think finding a good shrink, psychologist or other therapist who specializes in the feelings we have, would be really helpful to you. I know I have a hard time knowing whether or not I have justification to feel the way I feel. Like this week, for example, I found out on Monday that my storage facility (the place which has been paid automatically from my bank account for EIGHT YEARS) unlawfully auctioned off my personal belongings without telling me. EVERYTHING. All of my photos, college diplomas, you name it. Every piece of sentimental property I had. I completely went numb. I feel violated and numb and I just can't put my finger on it. . .and then I don't know whether or not I am overreacting or how I should feel. It's like I have been robbed or something. And I don't know what to do. I mean nothing can be done (other than my suing them) but that is not going to get back the items which are permanently gone. And I just am filled with this feeling of distrust and fear and violation. And I know no one has died, and no one was hurt and that type of thing, but I still feel like I have suffered a tragedy or something like that. And really, I went off on a tangent there. . .but in that circumstance, I just don't know what to feel. I mean, I wonder - am I overreacting - this is just STUFF after all (except for the irreplaceable photos and college diploma, commendations I have received over the years for professional accomplishments, etc. . .), OR do I legitimately feel the way I do?? I'm sure a part of it is that I have always been so good at masking and drowning my feelings that now that all of a sudden that I am sober and all these feelings are just IN MY FACE, I am lost as to what to what to do. . .or feel. . .or whatever. You know? And maybe I am just being forced into feeling when I don't want to be. . like you are sitting there trying to figure out your feelings, and hiding them because you DON'T KNOW WHAT it feels like to have them!! Does that make any sense? Anyways. . .I think it would definitely be helpful to see someone on top of just meetings. In fact, I think I need to make an appointment to see my guy asap. Big hugs to you!!!
__________________
From what we get, we can make a living; what we give, however, makes a life. - Arthur Ashe
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#52
06-05-2009, 12:16 AM
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I'm full of admiration for you KT for getting through the weekend without a drink. That is such a big achievement and a really important thing to do for yourself.
It's got to be a very helpful start to sorting out the other problems to face them head on instead of masking them by drinking (like I often do). You've inspired me tonight and I hope you keep going and get the help that you need. Thanks for sharing. lelli
__________________
Its not your fault, look around, there's so many of us There's so many of us, you are not alone Ever, ever, ever. Stop.
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#53
06-05-2009, 07:14 AM
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Well, KT, I'm sorry about the depression, but so pleased that you made it back from Chicago without drinking.
 One day at a time, my friend, it will get better bit by bit. And I'm sure you will get to know you and love you as the days go by. Hang in there!
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#54
06-05-2009, 07:28 AM
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Quote:
About three years ago my anxiety/depression issues got me to the point where I had to try something different than I already had (self-help, medication etc). I joined a support group that is run by a therapist who uses Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and fairly quickly derived some benefit from this approach. Combined with mindfulness meditation I am now in a WAY better place. If you are interested I can send you more information on what has worked for me."I just wanted to say I'm back and I didn't drink and I'm horribly depressed but that's ok..." If when you say "but that's ok" if it really IS ok with you, then you are starting to show signs of acceptance which is a good thing. A huge revelation for me was SELF acceptance - something that takes a little getting used to after a lifetime of self doubt and loathing. Take care my friend. Fifi
__________________
"Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive." H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama
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#55
06-05-2009, 08:35 AM
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((((snowshoes)))) I'm so sorry that happened to you
You've every right to feel violated, and you've every right to SUE! It won't bring anything back, but it will go a long way to assuring that they will never do that to anyone else ever again. Consider it, it's how the laws stay effective.I remember exactly what you're talking about with learning your feelings again. It's a big, confusing part of early sobriety and when first faced with it I had a complete mental breakdown. If not for some wonderful people at another site I may not have survived the shock at all (remembering Dee, afrita [whom I miss], dan, Margi..). Luckily I'm past that initial stage now and I have a whole different level of masterful feelings to overcome.  But listen, you do figure out how to separate things and you do redefine those feelings and once you do that you have the possibility to move directly forward. Most people do in fact, I'm just a 'special' case I guess, I'm pathologically self defeating, live in complete isolation from other human beings, and am predisposed to tempt my fate. Marry that with a very low sense of self worth and it gets dangerous, so, that's my story, I just don't want you to think this really has to last as long as it has for me... (((snowshoes)))(((Indigo)))) Veux-tu m'epouser?    Feef, I'm totally interested, I never heard of that before. Can you explain it to me some more? PM me please I'm very interested in anything I can do to help with my depression that doesn't involve drugs or living in a fortified underground bunker in my head. (((Feef))) Thank you all for your kind thoughts, I think I'll post my account of my last slip for Lelli who's struggling with weekends. This was two Fridays ago now, it was actually my second to last slip as I drank the next Tuesday I think, but it was my Wakeup call. I wrote it down because I had to remember, so, I hope this helps anyone else thinking of taking 'a' drink this weekend to remember too...
__________________
“The true enemy of god is boredom” - Soccergirl Last edited by KilgoreTrout; 06-05-2009 at 08:43 AM.
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#56
06-05-2009, 08:41 AM
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Fri 6pm I'm just going to buy a six pack, have a few beers, watch the game, go to bed early. Gotta work early tomorrow so not too much, it'll help my insomnia, help me get rid of this pack of cigarettes, help relax my manic mind...
9pm Only two left, might as well finish the other two, two beers alone is lonely and I want them FUNK it! I can drink once every month or two! Like anyone cares, or knows... It's summer, It's Friday, everyone who works Saturdays works with a hangover. Sh*t, I should call my brother, I have to work out the details of our Chicago trip, he's fighting with my father and they're both flying there together, I need another pack of cigarettes, I WON'T buy more beer at the store, just some cigarettes... 10:30pm I'm really glad I bought the two 20oz's with the six pack, it's a good primer, I'll call John now, after I swig this second tall one down for prep, another moderator phonecall to funked up family, I'll need the extra few.... 11:15pm Discussing situation, being too honest with brother, told me he envied me for my freedom, told him not to envy me, told him specifically WHY not to envy me, talked about my depression, alcoholism, lonliness? social phobias? suicidal thoughts? no one in my family has ever known about any of this, EVER, and I want them never to... dream or memory? dream or memory? I'm not sure, .. I remember heated words, yelling, was that in the middle or the end of the conversation? I don't remember. There is a second call on my phone to him minutes after we hung up. Did he hang up on me? Did I try to call him back? I don't remember. Maybe we lost the connection. Maybe I ended in weeping. How big a fool did I make of myself? Maybe it was all fine, maybe I was honest and he was accepting? Maybe that part was a dream afterwards, I don't remember, I DON'T remember! dream or memory? Sat 5:15am Ipod Alarm goes off, Violent Femmes, 'Nightmares', how apropos, my ipod haunts me... There's spilled wax all over the arm of my couch, thank GOD the candle is not still burning! My watch, my hat and some cd's caked in wax, candle on the floor. Overspilled beer next to unopened beer next to candle next to pile of cigarette butts next to self esteem... Windows wide open. How much did my neighbors hear? I was listening to loud music at (1am?) after I got off the phone, singing, how loud was I singing? No hangover, too soon for that, wide awake, only tiny nagging in the back of my head foreboding my coming punishment... 6:30am At work, thank god i work alone today, have to go up soooo many stairs, feel good, light, but like I'm slowly sinking every step, it's hot in here, REALLY hot, sweat smells like beer, where did all this sand in my eyes come from? ...is gravity shifting? Was that just a tremor? No, I don't live in the northwest anymore, where am I, yes, ok, midwest, maybe wind, am I going to pass out? Maybe I should gag myself, puke up... puke up what? I didn't eat last night, I must have forgotten to, only drank and drank and drank, how many? 13 at least, somehow, i'm appauling... I've no way out of this... 10am I HATE the sun! Why can't it sleep today? I miss Seattle, at least there was no pounding, retching, mocking sunshine!! Holy crap, what did I tell John last night? What did my neighbors hear? Why did I do this NOW?! I have to SEE him next week! Crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crapcrapcrapcrapcrap!!!!! I HATE this, I hate myself, how can I end this all today? No, I don't want that, it would be easier, it would be kinder, it's MY fault! It's MY FAULT! There's no way out, this is crushing me, my head pounds, my nerves frizzle, my chest feels heavy, I smoked two packs of cigs last night? WTF!? I can't stop hearing myself talking to myself when I'm not saying anything in my mind. That girl looks plastic,... is this real? Am I real? Please please please PLEASE be a dream!?! 2pm A few more hours, food felt good, I'm soooo sleepy I could die, I think my brain is about to short out, I feel the frazzled ends zapping randomly through my forehead to the back of my skull, my eyes mechanically flinching, my consciousness trembling, heart hesitating, somehow going on, human design was good, somehow keep going.... 5:30pm Can you overdose on St. Johns wort? I took twelve today, it was necessary, it's the only reason I'm able to allow myself the privilege to steal breath from the world anymore, I don't deserve it, I don't deserve to live, I don't want to EVER talk to ANYBODY ever again! I need to hide and neglect and FORGET! What do you call beneath shame? Can there be definition for such a piercing depth of hopelessness? It doesn't matter, NOTHING matters, I want this all, all of this to end, I don't care how, just soon... 6pm Walking home, joggers, couples walking dogs, beer cans discarded on the street from Friday night frivolities, why does everyone look so happy? How do THEY deal with life? Haven't they been hurt? Haven't they hurt themselves before? Why am I not one of them? Why is there no one for me to love? To love me? Why is it so EASY for them? What is wrong with me? Why do I know no one here? I've lived here for a year now! Why does Saturday MEAN anything anyway!? funking happy deluded faces, they only THINK they're happy, they're robots, automatons, I hate them,... I HATE THEM ALL!!!! 7pm Laying in bed, rotten soul, rotten brain, rotten body, I stink of failure, I can't begin to digest it all...
__________________
“The true enemy of god is boredom” - Soccergirl
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#57
06-05-2009, 12:44 PM
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((((KT))) you are not all of those things you say about yourself, you are having a shitty day, I still get those and now I try to accept them and to kick out the stinking thing thinking, by the way if i wasn't too old and already married I would say yes. Decide this wekend is going to be different and give yourself a break you haven't left any anxiety for anyone else!!! hugs indie
__________________
'Love is life believing in itself'. Manitonquat.
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#58
06-05-2009, 12:51 PM
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(((((((KT)))))))) Thank you so much for posting that account - I found it incredibly moving. It made me cry for many reasons...the raw honesty of your emotions; a strong sense of empathy with you for your suffering; a recognition of some of my own thought patterns and behaviour.
I think it's great that you felt you needed to record your thoughts and feelings and can use it as a wake-up call and foundation for some positive changes in your life. I will PM you with some info on the ACT and Mindfulness stuff. The final reason I cried is that you want to marry Indie, and not me *sniffs*. Always the bridesmaid, me ... Take care and have a lovely sober weekend buddy. Fifi
__________________
"Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive." H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama
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#60
06-06-2009, 01:26 AM
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(((KT))) What a moving, honest, heart-breaking post! Does it seem like a lifetime ago? SOMEONE will read that and decide NOT to buy that six-pack. Your pain will have benefited someone, I'm sure. Now it's time to be kind to you!
 Fifi, I'm wondering if you could post a thread on ACT? Is it similar to REBT? I'll bet there are several of us who could benefit from some acceptance therapy (myself included!)
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