I want...

[Snowshoes]

((((((KT))))))) Incredible post. I read it twice. Amazing those feelings/experiences/depression/devastation, etc that I think is so unique . . . is so NOT. You have written what I have lived. And so many other like us I imagine.

No drinks this weekend!!!!!

[Muse]

What a powerful account of what it used to be like, how I used to do the same thing. Start out drinking a bit and before I knew it, I had polished off two bottles of wine and had to work in the morning. I would wake up to the radio alarm blaring and think "I did it again." I told myself I wasn't going to do this anymore, and I did it again." I would show up at work so sick and fuzzy and I worked at a bank. I had to keep track of money and numbers. The anxiety was horrible and my brain would shut down. My cure, start drinking again at lunch. What a horrible solution. You can beat this. You will be amazed of how different you will think and feel when you give up the drink for good. Make the commitment. You deserve it.

[Velvet]

((KT))

[KilgoreTrout]

Oh Muse that's the worstest I worked at the Federal Reserve when I first moved to Seattle and that was at the height of my daily 'drinking to excess' stage. I had to do several hours of encoding in the morning, I got pretty good at it hungover, but you know how much that sucks cause you just can't make a mistake, or more than a few anyhow, I hated that job...

((((Peggy)))) It doesn't really seem like a lifetime ago, that's the problem, I can't let this one go, a lot has happened and hasn't happened in the last two weeks, but I still feel somewhat hungover. I have been rereading that account I wrote at least once a day, maybe that's it, but I'm not letting it go this time. I may be a procrastinator but I'm going to plague myself with this memory until I am goaded into definite action. I want to remember, I don't want to forgive, not yet, not this time, I'm sick of this game and I want it to end with this.

I'm at work I gotta go ...

[indigo]

You take your time ((KT))) work through it at your own pace and then peace will be there waiting for you to grab it with both hands. I have much respect for you.

[Velvet]

KT, I just want to say that if you can't forgive yourself for past actions then you can't heal and get better. Let the past go, otherwise you will be blaming yourself and that leads to drinking to get over the pain. It's that vicious cycle that you are stuck in. Forgive yourself.

[KilgoreTrout]

How? I have great problems with this Velvet. Not for drinking, but for things past done. They hammer at me incessantly, shrink me into self reluctance, obedience to my AV, not all the time, but still, after all these years, how do you forgive yourself of the past? I need help with this one, this is a root.

[Don S]

Ok, don't focus on the word 'forgive'. Try acceptance instead.

[Muse]

What worked wonders for me was the fourth step. I wrote letters to those I held the most resentment toward. I never sent them, but it was very cathartic to get it out. Address all the issues, lay it out there, write it out. I know you aren't AA, but addressing the issues is what helped me.

[Velvet]

ok, instead of the word forgive...which is obviously a hot iron for you, do as Don suggests and replace it with acceptance. Accept the fact that you cannot change the past. Accept the fact that those behaviors, those 'bad choices' are gone, you cannot go back and undo them. We all have done things that we're not proud of. We can't change it now.
Write it all out, like Muse suggested.
http://www.selfcreation.com/acceptance/
I think you might find something in these pages that may help you. There's lots of info.

[Leesa]

KT,

I think many have problems quitting their addiction or staying quit because of the underlying issues that brought them to it or keep them there.

If we can understand it we can heal from it and then the self-abuse no longer is desirable.

[Fifi]

Originally Posted by Peggy Power

Fifi, I'm wondering if you could post a thread on ACT? Is it similar to REBT? I'll bet there are several of us who could benefit from some acceptance therapy (myself included!)

Peggy, I am posting a thread with some links and info in the Alternatives forum - hope it is of some benefit (but if not, I will ACCEPT that )

KT - sending you hugs, and hope you are enjoying the weekend, even though you have to work

Fifi

[Peggy Power]

Thanks Fifi!

KT, how are you doing today? Sending hugs and blessings.

[KilgoreTrout]

I'm a bit down, but ok, I don't have any words lately...

[Fifi]

No words is fine KT, just allow yourself to BE (gently).

[indigo]

Acceptance seems to be the key for you((KT))) as Fifi said be kind to yourself.

[lellipops]

I just read your incredible post KT and cried through most of it. The reason I was so upset was because it was like reading about me. Thank you so much for sharing. I feel like it would be helpful for me to accurately record one of my "episodes" in that way to show me what I am actually doing to myself.

Sending you love and hugs

[Snowshoes]

(((((KT)))))))

Hope you're hanging in there. Have you made an appointment with a psychologist or psychiatrist yet? Might help to just start there and maybe they can give you some other things to think about or do. . .to stave off the depression and the obsession.

Thinking of you.

[indigo]

((((KT))) keeping you close.

[KilgoreTrout]

I'm hanging in there yea, I had ridiculously horrible cravings last night, it was strange, more than mental cravings, I haven't really felt that in a long time and I'm wondering how I could, maybe it was just nicotine cravings masquerading as alcohol cravings, anyway, it was pretty scary. My mental state hasn't been all that good lately, I think I might be losing it, I'm not sure. I don't feel very aware of myself, sometimes I kinda get lost in my mind, lose track of vast amounts of time, I'm not sure what's going on. I don't feel like writing much lately, I can stare at a blank screen but I've nothing to say, I just get mesmerized at the whiteness of the blank screen and trail off into myself, I dunno...

I got up a bunch of courage the other day to go to a meeting, I went to the gym before so I would be tired and not so anxious, I stalked the place hours before hand to make sure I knew where the entrances were, I paced around the block in the rain for a half hour before the meeting so that I wouldn't be too early, and then I walk up to the door ten minutes before it was supposed to start only to find the parking lot empty and the doors locked. I guess they cancelled that meeting or something. Oh well.

I'm sober now, that's good, I'm sober now, that's good, I'm sober now, that's good.....

Thank you for holding me close indigo... ((((indigo))))

No snowshoes, not yet, but I'm looking into it, amassing information as is my usual way, but this time it's NOT gonna be a procrastination method, it's going to birth into action (as long as my insurance covers it anyway).