It Could Always Be Worse

[Muse]

It could always be worse. I realize this now, but did not realize it while I was drinking. While I was drinking, I crossed new lines and entered into new territories. I reached the "yets" which I had not reached before. Each time I thought it couldn't get any worse, it always did. Reaching new lows and new negative landmarks, in life, is not the best of feelings. What a lie I was living. I drank to escape, but became trapped in my own hell. I drank as a problem solver, but my problems became worse. I was losing control of every aspect of everything I knew and if I continued, I would slip further and further until I hit the ultimate depths, death.

Why did I continue to drink? Denial was huge. I always thought I could get away with what I was doing. I would fool everyone, lie to them and convince them everything was fine when it wasn't. All I did was prove I was a lier and ended up with a disaster of a life, a very heavy heart and a damaged soul. It became clear that the progression of the disease is real. There was no denying that fact no matter how hard I tried. I proved that to myself with my last drink. I had a few sober days and drank which spun me into a viscous cycle of insanity. The scary part was that my drinking escalated into a whole new territory. This was an area that I never ventured into before. It scared the hell out of me. That was when it finally "clicked". If I wanted a life, if I wanted to live, I needed help. My drinking was a problem that I could not handle on my own. If I did not reach out for help my days ahead were numbered and guaranteed to be unbearable.

My lowest point, my darkest days, were while I was drinking. I will always remember that time. It wouldn't serve me well to forget. One thing I have gained from my "drinking experience" is that I realize those days are still waiting for me. I can easily re-enter the madness. The only way to avoid going back is to not pick up that first drink. My goal is to maintain this every day. I gauge each day with my past experience. As long as I stay sober, I am doing the right thing. No matter how bad life gets, it can not get as bad as it was. If I stay sober, my mind is clear, my conscience is clear and I can make good, rationale decisions. If I persevere through the bad times, they will soon pass. If I succumb to drinking, they are here to stay. As long as I stay sober, I will never slip into what "could be". Yes, it could always be worse. I've lived through the worse and I know it doesn't have to be. I'm grateful to have each sober day. With each sober day I am working toward the solution, not sabotaging it. Stay above your darkest days. Stay sober.