Lelli's Life

[lellipops]

Someone on here who is very special to me and has a lot more experience and wisdom on this matter has suggested that I start a new thread and tell you what has been happening to me.

As some of you know, I joined a couple of weeks ago and was instantly filled with enthusiasm and joy at the incredible resourse that is the SV. So many amazing people, so non-judgemental, so helpful, such strength. I felt empowered, how could I fail with all this support behind me?

The first week I was sober Mon to Thurs and felt calm and in control. Things weren't so easy at the weekend and I succumbed to a few drinks but still felt ok. Last week I felt even stronger and managed to sail through the week including Friday night which felt great. On Saturday morning when I woke up sober I felt so good. Like a weight had been lifted and a new start had begun.

On Sat night I again succumbed to drinking but not excessively and although I was disappointed , I didn't feel too bad about it. Sunday night I had more (again without losing total control) but on Monday night I lost it.

I drank more than I have done in a long time and couldn't stop until I had finished everything in the house. This is a Monday night when I have to go to work the next day and my daughters are upstairs sleeping. On top of that, I ate badly, didn't go for my evening walk, smoked loads...it's all or nothing with everything for me.

I don't remember going to bed but I left the tv on, the window open, candles still burning and my daughter got up and found this in the morning. I felt so ashamed that I could let myself get this out of control. I could have burnt the house down.

I got up and made it to work and instead of learning a lesson from it, promptly bought a bottle of wine on the way home and drank it last night. And I lied to my BF when he asked if I had been drinking.

I feel like shit today. So ashamed, like a failure, full of hate for myself. And I was so positive just days ago. I need to find the strength to get up and get back on the horse and I know that I will but it's so tiring going through these cycles.

I have read a lot of your stories and felt so humbled about the hugely difficult experiences you have been through. You give me hope. Surely I can do it too? Sometimes I feel strong but sometimes I feel so weak and it seems like the pattern just keeps repeating itself. I have to sort this out and I want to be free of it.

Thank the universe that I have good people around me and can come here and ask for help. At least I am not alone with my struggles.

Thank you all for being there and understanding.

Love lelli

[Fifi]

((((((Lelli))))) my darling Sis, I love you so much

You did the right thing by putting the truth out there. You have asked for help, and you will find the best help of all here from people who know, understand, and don't judge.

The biggest key for me has been to learn how to forgive myself for my perceived transgressions. It's easy to beat ourselves up innit?

Don't hate yourself Lelli - you are a wonderful mother...just ask your gals

I gotta go to bed since it's almost 3 am here and tomorrow is a skool day! I can see you using this thread as a way of measuring your personal growth... keep at it.

Love,

Fifi

[indigo]

lelli you have the strength inside you we understand how hard it is and can always be there waiting for us to weaken, when you feel the urge do something nice for yourself a bubblebath with candles, a walk and think of what you can buy for yourself and the girls with the money you'll save, want it enough and you can have it, you really can. This old hen thought she would die before she stopped in the end of my drink/drug love affair I wanted to die, I didn't I fought back everyone rallied and it's over 3 and a half years now (although I say I don't count) I don't know the exact day but I began to live and not just exist. hugs indie

[Rocketman]

(((Lelli)))
Thanks for sharing & for your honesty.
Don't ever give up trying.

[Giyana]

Lelli, so many of us have "been there done that". Our old friend "Wingsfree" has started a thread (again) about a "bus". Hop on.

Amongst us are many stories of sobriety, and loss there of, but "Wingsfree" is probably responsible for Oh say, 100,000 + posts on various versions of "Don't Quit".

Get on that bus with us, and hang on because there are several of us who had many years of sobriety and this stupid thing got us "again".

Let's hold on together,

Gianna

[lellipops]

Thanks to all of you for your support, I really feel it.

Feef: you are the best and I love you lots. You helped me so much today

Indie: you are a true inspiration and I value your words so much. I love the bath with candles idea..haven't done that for a while..thanks

Rocketman: thank you, I won't give up trying..ever.

Gianna: cheers for the encouraging words..I know you guys really understand and it helps a lot. Hold that bus..I'm jumping on!


I'm feeling a lot calmer and less upset tonight. I cried a lot today which was healthy and a good release (much healthier to feel things than to hide from them I think).

I forced myself to go for my hour long evening walk in the beautiful sunshine and ended up smiling at people and getting lots of smiles back.

Spent time with my lovely girls and ate healthy soup. No drinking today.

[Chy]

I hope you'll allow yourself when ready, many more of those Saturday mornings. It's still for me, the strangest thing to wake up refreshed and sober. You know it took me several YEARS to get used to my Saturdays sober. I still get that twinge every now and then right before waking wondering.. that's the severity and damage addiction plays on your brain. I've been sober several years now and STILL have moments of uncertainty because I so badly abused myself when drinking for decades and decades.

Yeah I'm sure you feel pretty damn bad, guilty to right? Swearing you won't do it again, that you really want to be sober but damn just are not sure as you proved to yourself you were able to "moderate" for a couple of days. LOL .. I did to.. damn two whole days I could manage and would "reward" my self. I was a fool. It's just the nature of the beast I suppose. It's what the grips of addiction to whatever do, it controls our body mind, and... cars to.. LOL

It's a struggle, I know it is, but everyone who really has beat themselves up and had enough of being sick and tired of being sick and tired, does eventually do one of two things... realize they don't have the courage and live life as a drunk feeling worse and worse as the years go by or simply get sober. It's all a process, emotionally as well as physically. You'll be done when you're ready to be done.

[lellipops]

Yes Chy..it was strange on Saturday morning, strange and beautiful. It's interesting to hear that you still get twinges after so long. I guess I have to hold on to that feeling and keep linking up those Saturdays.

I think it's safe to say that those moderation mind games I've been playing are rapidly going out of the window as I realise what the reality of the situation is.

I did feel really bad and very guilty and also today I realised that I was angry that I couldn't just stop. It's hard to admit that to myself but it feels like an important part of the learning process.

There is so much more in life and I want to be around and in a fit state to enjoy it.

[Fifi]

Hey Lelli,

How goes it in your neck of the woods?

Fifi

[lellipops]

Hey Feef

It goes well right now merci! Didn't get through the weekend without a few drinks again but wasn't beating myself up about it and stayed calm and happy.

Think I will do some work on not having to be the party animal when I am out with other people. Guess it's all about loving yourself the way you are and not being concerned with impressing people and whether they like you.

Got the meditation Cd's. Will have a listen and let you know what I think. Thanks so much for sending them

[Fifi]

Hey Lelli,

Glad to hear you aren't beating yourself up (leave that to me )

Just kidding of course.

Originally Posted by lellipops

Guess it's all about loving yourself the way you are and not being concerned with impressing people and whether they like you.

This is very true (I know all about loving myself! ) But seriously...you have a chance at making some behavioural shifts when you do learn to love and accept yourself unconditionally. If ever you struggle with this concept, then its time to call yer sis, cos she loves you and accepts you unconditionally

Enjoy your week.

Fifi xxx

[KilgoreTrout]

Hey Lelli How are you feeling today? Weekend's coming up, do you have a plan? I was gonna try not to work so many weekends this summer, but in my current state I decided to take a bunch of hours the next few weekends. Of course, that last big slip was in spite of working on the weekend, but I think it's still fresh enough in my mind (as I read my slip diary every day now) that I will not be tempted. Anyway, it's good to start thinking about plans by Thursday, have some excuses ready for yourself and arguments for the AV and such, so, if you need help, maybe you could ask?

((((lellipops))))

[Giyana]

Fifi, when did you get so wise? (Probably when I was out there wrecking myself again...)

Lelli, you are a great addition to our village.

KT, not that I would wish this on you but I am getting a lot out of reading your own struggles and the helpful posts on this thread.

Gi

[Fifi]

Gi, I wrote a great big post about how wise I am, but I wasn't wise enough to back it up and ensure that it didn't disappear . Oh well.

My sense of you is that you need to learn how to forgive yourself again. If you aren't able to do that yet, you know those of us here are

Yep Lelli is a great addition to the Village. Just wait till I get our wee sister here... (don't hold yer breath).

KT - I don't mind you kissin my sis, as long as it's just on the cheek

Fifi

[lellipops]

Hey lovely people thanks for all the responses

(((Feef))) I agree that I need to work on loving and accepting myself unconditionally and thanks for saying that you do ..back atcha sis!

(((KT))) Thanks for thinking about me and my weekend issues! This week I am back to being calm and fine with no drinking midweek. I haven't even smoked a cig since Monday.

This weekend I am taking my two girls up to Glasgow to other sister's place and we are meeting up with our long lost cousin and her family who live in Oz and we haven't seen in about 15 years. Not sure of exact plans but we are only going for Sat/Sun.

So plan for Fri: Get home from work and RELAX....(without alcohol) at home. Go for nice walk, spend time with girls, cats, candlelit bath and a good night's sleep (hopefully following another of the meditation CD's that Feef sent me).

Sat: Get up reasonably early and get girls and myself organised to leave for Glasgow. If we go into town to meet cousin then I will drive (so can't drink). If we stay in for the evening at other sister's then ...errr...HELP! Other sis will be drinking so I need to find a way to resist.

Sun: Will be driving home later so whatever we do I'll be fine not drinking.

So my main difficulty will be getting through Sat night when other people around me are drinking. That has been the case for the last few weeks and will be even harder next week when BF and myself are off to Spain for 10 days holiday.

So why do I feel the need to drink in social situations? To fit in? Ingrained habit? Shyness? Most people think I am very outgoing and confident but there is a very shy and insecure part of me that is often kept hidden (or masked by being outgoing, often with the "help" of drink).

(((Gi))) So sweet of you to say that I'm a great addition to the village. Thank you! I know that reading your experiences has helped me.

(((Feef again))) Yes you are a very wise girl...you have a very intuitive and intelligent mind (and a wicked sense of humour!) and lots of helpful resources. Long live the Feefenator! Interested in your comment about forgiving myself again. Can you expand on this please?

Lots of and (on the cheek!) for all of you.

lelli