Exchange Words...from Don S

[Giyana]

FROM DON S

(I am starting this thread again as a new one-so much help here. Thanks Don!

Change your vocabulary to change your behavior


A simple exercise, which you can do anywhere and anytime, brings home many of the concepts of cognitive behavioral change. It is the process of learning to exchange vocabulary. So any time you hear or think the absolute words, consciously exchange them for the less demanding words:

ABSOLUTE/ LESS DEMANDING

must / prefer

should / it is desirable

have to / choose to

need / want

can’t / choose not to

ought / had better; it would be better if….

never / rarely

nothing, nobody / very few

everything, everybody / most

all / many

always / often

can’t stand / don’t like

awful / highly undesirable

bad person / bad behavior

I am a failure / I failed at

A good person / A person with good behavior

An evil person / A person with bad behavior

Start listening to others, and you’ll realize how often we use the absolute terms, and how limiting they can be. Can't stand, must/must not, and should/shouldn't are probably the most common. As the saying goes, don't should on me.

You can see how simply exchanging our vocabulary reduces black/white, all-or-nothing, good/evil thinking. You’ll begin to cringe when you hear people making what will now seem like extreme statements, as you realize that it is rarely accurate to use an absolute term. Simply describing our situation more accurately can be the first step in enacting change.

Albert Ellis coined the term musterbation for what we’re doing to ourselves when we go through life using absolute words, filtering events and judging people through these warped absolute prisms. When we view ourselves and others in absolute terms, we exacerbate guilt, we exaggerate situations, and we cut off the option of change.

So we “rarely” say never, and “not much” is absolute.
__________________
cbtrecovery.org

[laurie6781]

Sometimes I also use:

an evil person/a toxic person to me

hate/dislike immensely

absolute/this is what worked or works for me

never/I learned early in recovery to 'never' say never because as soon as I say that word about something the 'something' will happen, lol had some real hard learned lessons on that one.

I personally am a firm believer that by changing the way I word things, I also start to change the way I 'think' about things, people/places etc It is a slow process but an ongoing one and over the years has changed my way of looking at life in general.

By practicing 'changing words and phrases' I had to stop and think before I spoke or wrote something, gave me a lot more awareness about myself.

Thank you for restarting this thread.

An excellent reminder for me to KEEP PRACTICING.

Love and hugs,

[Pink]

Bad Day \ Slow Day or Active Day

Depressed \ Lowered Feelings

Crisis \ Event

Seems to me I saw a similar list as the Don S list but designed to reduce the drama words. Something like I posted above.

Thanks for the post I'll copy it.

[indigo]

Thanks Gi for restarting this thread it is time for a refresher for me & as I see above others contributing. Thanks for all the positive input.

[Hopefloats]

GREAT THREAD for everyone! Thank you.

Anger/ unsettled within
Rigid/ without acceptance

[Giyana]

I love the new contributions. I particularly needed:

depressed/ lowered feelings

It had been solid rain here for days, and cold, and my dog (and wild rabbit) were nowhere to be found. What I have been so used to doing at least a little on a day like that was to make a fire and curl up with one or more dogs for a few hours. Actually loved such times. "Lowered feelings" is about right for the temporary state.

Thanks Pink,
Gi

[Autumn]

I'm glad you started this thread Gi.... I've become rather slippy lately in the vocab department.

You know what's kinda funny? I'm a lot more careful about using absolutes on the forums where anyone can see them, but in pm's and e-mails I sling 'em around all the time, lol.

[Hopefloats]

You know Autumn, I tend to do that too. I am going to try to be more aware of my everyday language. This thread really piqued my interest. It has me thinking.

How about:
Should/ consider

I say that because I often have said he or she "SHOULD" do something. I'd like to watch that one.
Should sounds like I am imposing. I am doing better if I say "In my experience.." and then let the person decide for themselves. Afterall, I don't want to be responsible for someone elses outcome.

[Giyana]

bumping this up for some of the newcomers

[Giyana]

...Skeptic, here's another....

[TheWillingSkeptic]

Wow...I think I am a master of inaccurate absolutes...toss em around ALL the time! For real...
I never really knew that about myself...until...never really thought about it...till now!
Thank you all!

[Giyana]

bump. and feel free to add. Thanks as always for this list, Don S.

[Pink]

I'm too short of time today to review the list; perhaps these are already listed:


Loneliness / Being alone
Alone/ without company
Isolated/ Inaccessible
Trapped/ Ensnared

[Dolphin]

angry / annoyed:
I'm so angry I could kill something or somebody!! (which isn't going to happen and won't help if it does) / Darn! That's annoying. It's a setback but it's not the end of the world...

[Giyana]

No warm feeling of love/ ?

need to love.../ ?

this may sound really sad, but since I lost my dog, this is a deep overriding feeling...of loss, and damage to my heart.

Suggestions? Am I being very self-centered? Volunteering at the SPCA helps, but not having kids, siblings, parents, ...

[Pink]

The point of these paired words in my previous post is that some words that seem like feelings ... are just facts if I change the word; and other words that seem like facts ... are really conditions that I have control over.

If I play with the words the committee in my head is using, I can sometimes work out the true issue. These word pairs deal with my winter "Blues" :

Originally Posted by Pink

• Loneliness / Being alone
  Alone/ without company
  
  Isolated/ Inaccessible
  Trapped/ Ensnared

-------------------------------------------------------------
Ensnared = a situation from which it is difficult to escape.
Difficult = requiring a lot of planning or effort to do, understand, or deal with
Blues = a feeling of unhappiness or low spirits


]

[Rocketman]

Originally Posted by Giyana

No warm feeling of love/ ?

need to love.../ ?

this may sound really sad, but since I lost my dog, this is a deep overriding feeling...of loss, and damage to my heart.

Suggestions? Am I being very self-centered? Volunteering at the SPCA helps, but not having kids, siblings, parents, ...

This is my own opinion. It is better to know someone or a pet for a short time, rather than not know them at all.

[Giyana]

Thanks for reminding me of this Jeff.

You are right, and each day is a new beginning to do better some of the things I regret doing so badly while I was drinking. What I would not give for one more walk with that dog.

My life is very full of regrets these days, and I look at the future with no hope, often. This is what I wish to change. I do not want to be here 5 years from now wishing I HAD changed.

This day is going to be awful/ Do the next right thing.
This day is going to be awful/ It will be what you "think" it will be.