Preparing for a rather hopeless interview!

[equus]

I'm flitting in and out of here with ants in my pants!! I'm trying to write my interview presentation and keep getting distracted by monologues of what I'll say. I'm also facing reality that it's highly unlikely I'll get the secondment, here is my reality now, I want to move but I also want to stay to the curtain comes down, I want out but I also want to know I did my honest best - I have an old promise to some kids to keep.

I have hardly any chance of getting the job (a secondment) because the tempory worker is also applying and is both good and well liked - it's very rare for a temp not to get the job if they are already doing well. As if that wasn't enough I'm helping her because we're working together on two projects which to do well means me sharing all the experience I can.

But the interview is panelled by 3 hugely influential people and I want the chance to present, it's a chance to reason my outlook freely and offer something which really helps inform them. I'm not going for a presentation of regergitated information, they can test me on that if they want. I'm aiming at large concepts that can help really make a difference in reference to current changes. At least that's what I hope it will do.

I'm also waking up to how much I want to own my own mind, I want my freedom - I only want a job given happily to a free thinker who loves research and delivers evidence, references and expects their reasoning to be held to account, rather than gather dust.

I'm so tired of my plain office and shelved work, everything stuck waiting because no-one can disagree and no-one will ok the work. I wait with it, determined to last as long as I can sane, producing more, and still requesting again it gets it's place at the table, they promise then they don't, everyone agrees it's legally tighter than a duck's bottom, that it will go straight through - but no dates, deferred, waiting. They commissioned me to answer questions, I have and the answers just grow dust.

On the bright side we have a new director and I'm sure he asked me a question in code (Yeah - I know how whacked out that sounds) he asked me what the difference was between participation and engagement, I answered one involved sharing decisions with YP and the other to talk to and encourage YP to talk. He has arranged for a private meeting on the 14th this month - he agreed with my answer and added that he didn't like much of what goes on. Is it honey to trap a fly? Either way I've had the courage of the damned for a long time, I will politely answer all he asks but not water it down.

I'm scared I have nothing to offer, I'm scared of thinking I have, all I have is my mind, my less than 100 IQ, my tenacity, my listening, my memory. I'm scared to rate that - I'm scared not to. I want my freedom to think and write and then take it from there, either it will be good enough to help or it won't - at least I'll know.

I'm tossing up whether to apply to a very interesting job that ends in March next year - short tempory post working to resettle kids leaving care or prison.

If I got the secondment I could still look after my babies (the projects gathering dust!), if I leave there are some others who've said they'll take care of them - in a year or two. Some projects would just rot.

If I stay all I have to do is stay sane through hours of a working day either waiting or making more stuff to collect dust, but it means I am here for each and every chance and it's all waiting if a chance comes good.

I have thought so many times the final curtain is here and been relieved the choice is out of my hands, but it doesn't fall, at least not yet.

Back to the presentation and the suggestion it's not children we need to engage or interest - it's adults that need to start being interested in children.