INTERESTING

[CAPTAINZING]

For a few days, I thought that Bob Jones
University had seen the light. The
Greenville, S.C., university recently dropped
its ban on interracial dating. School officials
somehow realized that the 1950s are over,
perhaps after turning on a television and
noticing that even popular host Maury
Povich, a white man, is married to, let’s just
say, "a person of another race."

But three days after Bob Jones joined the
rest of America in the new millennium, the
fundamentalist Christian university stepped
back into the 1960s. University president
Bob Jones III announced that students who
want to date outside their race must bring a
note from their parents. Yes, even those
students above the age of 7.

"Dear King Bob Jones III,

Please allow my Asian son to date women
of other races. He’s majoring in science
and he likes to experiment. I don’t know
where he gets such ideas. Perhaps he’s
been watching too much "Jerry Springer."
Now I know why you forbid students from
watching television on campus. Television
is evil. Why, just the other day I saw Connie
Chung touching that white man Maury
Povich. Like she couldn’t have married
someone of her own race, like that cute guy
Deepak Chopra. I’m sure most
professional golfers agree with me. If it
wasn’t for an interracial marriage, they
wouldn’t have to deal with Tiger Woods.
Anyway, despite my concerns, I’m giving
you permission to allow my son to date
women of other races. I’m doing this partly
because my son isn’t having any luck with
the Asian women on campus. Yes, both of
them. They think he’s ugly. Do you think
that’s true? Fundamentally yours, Jenny
Chang."

"Dear Mrs. Chang,

Thank you for your permission note. But you
need to specify which races your son can
date. Here at Bob Jones, we admit
students of various races, including black,
white, Asian, Hispanic, Arabic and
Pakistani. Regarding your question about
your son’s looks, let me say this: As
Christians, we’re taught not to judge people
on their appearance. But your son is
definitely ugly. Because of him, we’ve had
to replace several mirrors. It’s probably a
good idea to allow him to inter-date. He
may get lucky. By the way, you're right about
television: It is definitely evil. That’s why I
was so reluctant to appear on "Larry King
Live." But I like Larry. He usually dates
within his race. And he’s been married only
27 times. Fundamentally and separately
yours, Bob Jones III."

A friend of mine is quite proud of Bob
Jones University, her alma mater, so if I
don’t post within next week, you’ll know
that she has killed me.

Of course, she’d never do that. She’s a
woman of great character. I hope.

"I don’t judge people by the color of their
skin," she says. "Neither does Bob Jones.
They are open and encouraging to all
students." But even she thinks the idea of a
permission note is "stupid."

Bob Jones III explained the note like this:
"When you date interracially or marry
interracially, it cuts you off from people."

That reminds me of four interracial couples
I know. They’ve been happily married for
many years and have produced 12
beautiful children. Poor folks. One of these
days, when they least expect it, they’re
going to be cut off from people. Yes, them
and Maury Povich.

Hey Bob Jones III, here’s a note from me:
A good way to cut yourself from people is
to be concerned about their race.