Making The Decision

[Hopefloats]

I was faced, as many of you know with the decision of taking my daughter in upon her release from State Prison.

Yes, we had had many a conversation about what woud be basically the rules, and what I would or would not want to happen in my home.
In hindsight I did not have that contract done in the appropriate way and it was not long before things began taking that negative turn.

Before I go any further, may I please add that the addict is going to have their own views on what their recovery looks like to them, and we all know that what they do or do not do, regarding meetings...hooking up with friends from the past, seeking prescription medications (which is OFTEN TIMES an issue)...or just how they will handle their lives IS going to be something that only they can decide.

What I did not give enough thought to, was this. Just how much was I going to be able to handle if my daughter and I disagreed upon things. I did not think enough about how "I" would be affected and what happens is this...

IF something goes amiss and in my situation it did, what happens at first is we the parent appear to be controlling and we appear to want to direct and lead our child's recovery. After calming down and taking a break from my daughter, I was able to better communicate what I was feeling, wanting and needing. (to my closest friends) And although I want for my child to work her a** off in her recovery, and get it right this really IS about my comfort level and what I am or was able to deal with, or could in the future deal with that would not keep me in that constant state of fear and worry.

I did not realize my "triggers" For example: My daughter gave out my phone number to 2 gals that were in prison and are now released. That was a huge no-no and when I mentioned this, I was not received very well. The feedback again, is that "I" am controlling. This is NOT about control..... I simply do not want people calling my home, A that I do not know and B, that are or have been in prison for many reasons. It disturbs me....and partly because I was threatened by my daughter's old boyfriend for drug money owed, 4 years ago. I think it is appropriate that I protect myself from being worried or upset over things that bother me. My health does not allow this kind of stress. This is just ONE example. Oh and my daughter knows better as she is not supposed to be in contact with any other felons while on parole. Those are the kinds of things that she does not take seriously and it always leads to problems...eventually. I have the God given right to say "not in my house!"

I think taking our children in after they are released from prison leads to many, many, many MANY unforseen problems. It also puts a terrible strain on the parent/adult child relationship. WE are also NOT equipped to handle their recovery issues. WE are NOT equipped to handle their overall issues be it needed therapy...medications...etc.............. We end up being the bad guy period. The dedication, the time and the love that we have put into our kids, is quickly forgotten because they get caught up in one thing and one thing only "WE ARE CONTROLLING THEIR LIVES!"

I remember giving my daughter what I thought was some sage advice. We were not arguing at this time, but I was reminding her of a certain behavior that IF repeated would reap the same results. Her reply was "Maybe if I heard it from someone else, other than you, I might believe it." Okay....
NO progress made there.

I guess what I want to convey and I am not sure that I am doing a very good job at it is this. I believed that this would be a simple thing to do, even though I did not expect a smooth time. I did NOT stop and think about all of the things that would come up and how that mother/adult child thing, is always there. I know for a fact that if my daughter was living in a sober home she would not tell the people running the home to "grow up"...or make the faces that she made at me when she disapproved of something that I was trying to bring to her attention because it affected ME.

And I also want to say, and I am NOT proud of this, that I became VERY, VERY cranky and I found myself "reacting" and saying things to my daughter that were not nice and that I needed to apologize for. SO talk about a hornets nest with someone getting stung every other day!!!!

Our kids are not, I repeat NOT getting the help that they need in prison. Prison is NOT recovery. So when they come out, aside from being punished, they are right where they were, recovery-wise, before they were incarcerated. The 28 day program done inside prison meant NOTHING...
My daughter had done every program available to her before she got arrested and sent to prison.

I really did not mean to make this so long....I guess I needed to get some things OUT of my system too! But that is okay...we take what we need and leave the rest right?

Please if you are a parent thinking about taking your child in after their prison release....think long and hard before you make this decision. My bottom line is we are not equipped to give our kids what they really need, which is a structured environment.....meetings....and and environment that enriches their recovery, and keeps them going in the right direction. Yes, we do not want to see them on the street. Yes we can, if we are lucky provide them with a home to come home to. But what starts out as " I have the best mom in the world" quickly turns into "I have the most controlling mom in the world!"

You just need to pause... please when making this decision. I would never tell anyone what to do....but I can tell you about the challenges and how difficult this will be. I can tell you about the unknown and the emotional roller coaster that this WILL be....even if things go really well.

I am not going to post publicly at this time what my decisions are going to be going forth for personal reasons. I love my daughter more than she will ever know and I mean that literally. She really does not have any idea just how much I love her. But as we know, love does not do a thing when two people disagree on so many things. That love gets pushed away or aside and all the crap once again gets piled on, so that you find yourself upsidedown in something, asking yourself "HOW DID I GET HERE?"

Hindsight is 20/20 of course. If I had this to do over, because I love my daughter SO much, I would of tried harder to find her a wonderful sober home (they are limited on the inside regarding research).....because if having them come into our home, puts a strain on the relationship ONCE AGAIN, and causes SUCH TURMOIL, well, that is NOT what I want for my daughter nor for myself.

And when the day comes that you have to tell your child that you need a break from her, don't kid yourself, because that hurts.

Two things that my daughter said to me that really, really bothered me..
Which were: 1. "You only see me as an addict." and 2.."You are not happy unless you can find something to pick on me about."

After 18 months of being 100 percent dedicated to my child while she was in prison, (let alone years of being afraid she would die, and her being in and out of jails and all of the horrific things that go with addiction) and being one of the ONLY ONES that visited her, took care of her, championed her.. and to now give her a roof over her head, after being released, well yes, I do suppose I took that personal.

Thanks for reading. I may add more at another time as I work this through.
Somehow we think that "prison will do it this time!" No.....prison was just a delay of releasing my daughter back into the real world...it was a "legal punishment" BUT after being released they are RIGHT WHERE THEY LEFT OFF...recovery-wise. I am not saying prison was a walk in the park....but it did nothing, NOTHING for her recovery. Us thinking ANYTHING different is US only fooling ourselves.

A little P.S...You know when sometimes things get crazy and you temporarily "think" maybe you are crazy ...WELL, my daughter was speaking to me about dating. We all know what new relationships do regarding recovery, especially when the person needs to do SO much work on themselves, both regarding their program AND therapy. That IS a fact.
My daughter knows this, because I have in my possession a letter from her while she was in prison, and she spoke to this matter. She spoke about how she knew that she could not be in a relationship with any man and why.
She spoke of how the only "little man" in her life would be her son and how he needed her SO much, and that she wanted to dedicate her time to him only and also rebuilding our relationship. One of our arguments was low and behold about her dating. She now says "I am 37 years old and I need a life!!!!!!!" This may seem petty, but it is very significant in my life, if you had more details. Just an example of "jail talk" and "out of prison talk."