True testimoney

[indigo]

> IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER>> These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are> things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
> published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
> these exchanges were actually taking place.
>
> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
> morning?
> WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> WITNESS: My name is Susan!
> ____________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> ____________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> WITNESS: I forget..
> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
> forgot?
> ___________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
> voodoo?
> WITNESS: We both do.
> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
> WITNESS: We do..
> ATTORNEY: You do?
> WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
> ____________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his
> sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> ____________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
> WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
> ___________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> WITNESS: Are you shi!!ing me?
> _________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> WITNESS: Getting laid
> ____________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> WITNESS: None.
> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get
> a new attorney?
> ____________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> WITNESS: By death..
> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> WITNESS: Take a guess.
> ____________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
> _____________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
> notice which I sent to your attorney?
> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> ______________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on
> dead people?
> WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
> _________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go
> to?
> WITNESS: Oral...
> _________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
> ____________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
> ______________________________________
>
> And last:
>
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
> pulse?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
> WITNESS: No..
> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
> began the autopsy?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
> nevertheless?
> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
> practicing law.