My Story

[Kahlia25]

I started using drugs when I was married to my first husband to "buffer" him hitting me.....Xanax, Valium, Vicodan, anything that would make the emotional pain go away and him go farther away.....
After my daughter April was born, I stopped because I wanted to be a good mother. Then the beatings got worse and the rapes got worse daily. I had no family, so no place to go. I never did have anyplace to go as I felt I could not put it on my co-workers. I used to go to work and be beat up, but the bruises never showed so nobody ever knew. He, Dave was a Doctor, and no one would have believed he hit me anyway. He was Mr. Perfect in public, Mr. Attentive but Mr. Cocaine.......He was brutal. He controlled all the money, he was so jealous that I could not look left or right when I was with him. After my son Nick was born, I started using and stealing valium and Percocet from the Hospital again as he told me Nick did not belong to him.....
I was crushed by that. The beatings continued. I decided to get out but Dave told me he would kill me....I was a well tolerated functioning addict. No matter what I took, my kids came first and I was working on a helicopter at trauma sites.....go figure. One day, I got up the nerve to leave and went into a stress center, I left my children with his parents....he recieved custody as he served me with divorce papers while I was in rehab in a dual diagnosis unit. Over the years I experimented with everything, acid, pot, hash, methadone, dilaudid was my drug of choice. I got clean in 2000. I have never touched another drug. David committed suicide in 2008 and now my children blame me for his death.....what am I to do? Their father chose his own path as I chose mine. As a little girl, I always wanted to be a nurse and today I am one. I just never wanted to be an addict and I am one. That is O.K. because I like me. I am a good person.......I can give love to other people and my self esteem is higher now. My children are doing better but still angry. Life takes time...I Have had 6 suicides in 7 years in my family...life takes time...lots of it

Blessings,
Kahlia