ANYONE STRUGGLING? Post here!! part two

[Giyana]

Don has asked to start a new thread as the other has gotten so long...

I struggle each day (some more than others) but a think a "daily struggle" is much more manageable, don't you?

Please, anyone who wants to drink or use today, hop on board; lurking and reading is great but we are a village of people who are, have been, or will be where you are. Your posts count, for you, and for all of us.

Presumably part one is available (maybe if it is bookmarked in "thread tools"? I dunno; please advise, Don.

Back here sooonnnn,
Giana (aka Gi, Giyana)

[Chy]

Gi I just added the link in your post for you.

[TheWillingSkeptic]

I was starting to feel pretty good...finally stumbled upon the "exit" from the colorless existence I think we all find ourselves stuck from time to time...(although while I'm there I would swear nobody else could feel like that...very strange...)
And then...and after this I will try to lay off the whining...and then...
I went to my neighborhood heart center to get checked out by a specialist. My GP sent me there after seeing a "blip" on my EKG during a routine physical. So I go there, have another EKG...marginally abnormal..."not bad" he says. Then they do an ultrasound, take some measurements, he comes back in and tells me my heart is enlarged and only functioning at about 50% of normal...how exciting!
So I get to go in for a cath in the am to look for blockage...I guess...
At this point, I don't even know if I feel like using...ok, yes I do...I wont bs anyone...
But mostly...I just want to wake up...I want to go home (wherever that is)...I want to crawl back into bed at 12 years old, wake up in the morning and do a retake.
I better get spiritual pretty soon eh? ;-)

Hey Morning Glory...
I watched the clips you posted...very interesting stuff...so, is an addict staying clean on the order of a class 2 or class 3 impossibility??? Ha!

[TheWillingSkeptic]

I didn't see how to quote from the last "Strugglers" thread...but...this was from LittleMissy...

For me, early sobriety was a selfish time. It had to be. I couldn't worry about what other people were doing and what they thought of me or wanted from me. I had to focus on me and my recovery. I was so lost, I didn't know which way was up or which way to go. In fact, nobody could think worse of me, then I already thought of myself.

I cried, I yelled, I begged, I blamed others, look at what they had done to me. I didn't know what to do, so I did what was suggested by other alcoholics in recovery. And if that meant being of service and making coffee, that's what I did. (Even when I'd go make coffee, leave to get money for beer only to come back and sit on the curb and cry before walking my ass into that meeting!!) If it was journaling with a pen on paper that's what I did. Cause EVERYTHING I had tried up until that point had failed!!!!! My best thinking and best intensions got me drunk everytime!!

Thanks Missy...VERY helpful for a hardheaded, non-conformist, know-it-all, I know best, nobody's gonna tell me what to do damnit!...kinda of addict...

There was soooooo much awesome posting on this thread...I've read most of them multiple times...slow enough that hopefully it will sink in...because, as a result of the aforementioned lovable (right!) characteristics that I possess...I am also sort of thick, slow, not to quick on the uptake, head-n-the-sand dumb@$$ when it comes to being open minded and really taking to heart suggestions that I do not see the need for, are uncomfortable for me or that come from anyone that I can somehow twist and interpret as telling me what to do or controlling me IN ANY WAY!!!!!
Well, then I just stop listening...ha! At least that is how I used to be...
I AM listening to all the folks here...
Thanks everyone...

[laurie6781]

Listen to your Drs they can do 'wonders' today.

Mine was quite enlarged when I got sober and clean and they monitored me for months, no blockages, just too much 'speed' drugs (so I could drink more). As I stayed sober and clean and no more 'rushes' many times a day, my heart did settle down. Today, many years later it is still functioning pretty good for someone with diabetes (congestive heart failure is a given with later stage diabetes) so, so far so good.

IF you do have a blockage, it is a fairly easy pocedure to clean it out. So look on the bright side ....................................... you're clean and sober and they found it ................. out there still using they wouldn't have.

Call it whining if you must, but it is not whining to me. You are in a rough place right now (early recovery usually is) and a very confusing place, and your first instinct (old habit) is to numb yourself. You have a choice today and by not doing that it puts more stress on you. As time passes and you grow and change in recovery, it won't be as hard to walk through things that we used to run from by numbing.

Also know that I was as hardheaded and bullheaded as they come. When my sponsor told her hubby (who also became my sponsor, they 'double teamed me, lol) that she was going to sponsor me, he looked at her and said:

"GOOD LUCK!"

And he was serious. At that point he didn't give me a 'snowball's chance in hell' of making a year. roflmao Another fellow who's nickname was Tinkerbell (because he was a 'mucky muck' at Disneyland) bet 20 bucks with someone I wouldn't make a year. When I took my first year cake he told me that was the best 20 bucks he ever lost.

We all come in sick and shaking with a chip on our shoulders the size of a 2 x 4. Sorry Skeptic, your are NOT unique. lmao Kick and scream all you want, just don't use, .................................... it does get better, and we do become more willing.
Please keep us posted, we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

[TheWillingSkeptic]

Yeah, ya know...I am kind of embarrassed/frustrated/pi$$ed at times that I am not much farther along on this "journey"...
Cause...I will be clean one year on 1/1/10...and:

I only just finished writing step one...and I am not even sure about some of that...
I still feel like I am walking on the edge of sanity more often than I feel comfortable with...maybe thats just who I am and Ill never really feel normal! Ha!
I still feel like using way more than most people I talk to with similar clean time...
IDK...

But, on the bright side, I am getting tons of great input, suggestions, support, hope, strength, experience and info here from the Laurie6781's, MorningGlory's, Giyana's, Indigo's, Chy's, Wired's, Rocketmen, HopeFloats', Don'Ss, Velvet's, Eskimobluday's and SophieAnne's of the world...or of the Village that is!

I plan on going back and reading through what I wrote on step one next...Thanks Laurie...
And thanks everyone...this has really been an invaluable source of help for me... :-)

Well, that took my mind off of tomorrow for a minute...!

Thanks for "listening" Villagers...

[indigo]

Keep coming back Skeptic we're all rowing the same boat only some at different paces, my heart is enlarged I have mitral valve prolapse & double murmers I used to worry, I don't anymore I do what I can with what I've got & that is make the life I have now count, we all of us only have now let's make it work for us let's live.

[TheWillingSkeptic]

I will try to keep both oars in the water...
Thanks for the timely doses of "navigation for addicts" ...
I'll keep coming back for regular reality checks!

[joshuab]

hi folks....

happy to hear those honest posting....
going through sober is really a hard risk...but it is the least that should be done to get yourself from sinking down deep..

[Little Missy]

We are a stubborn bunch!! Kind of makes me laugh sometimes. Nothing will set me off quicker then someone saying to me, "You need to..." "You have to..." Automatically my brain says, nope!! I do not like people telling me what to do. They can make a suggestion and I'll consider it and make my own decision. Tell me I have to do something, and I'll do everything in my power NOT to do that!! lol

Example: My daughter is in kindergarten. Her teacher sends home this sign up sheet for helping out in the classroom. It said, "Each family needs to sign up to help out a day." Uuuum, I didn't sign up. My husband did, but I refused. IMO, the teacher should have asked if we would be willing to help out. I know, it's stupid, and I may be a bit better about it then before...but I don't think I am!!

That's what I like about the program of AA. Nobody told me I had to do anything!! They made suggestions from what had worked for them and others.

So, knowing how I "react" to those words, I try not to say them!!

[morning_glory]

Hey Skeptic, glad you watched those clips. I was hoping it would put you in a different 'space' pardon the pun. Dr. Kako rocks.

Just let me be Pollyanna for a minute and say that tomorrow you will be close to living the life you want! Functioning w/ your heart at 50% is not easy-imagine how good it will feel when the blood is flowing easier and oxygen is flooding your brain and being! YaYYYY!! How could you not feel better? This may be enough to reconsider your skepticism, but not all at once, ok? What time to you go in? I will send Reiki healing (will need your time zone). We're all behind you, so just throw your favorite teddy bear in the car and you can hug it to pieces all the way home. Remember-comfort and more comfort!

Laurie lol-your sponsors 'double teamed' you!! Missy-you sound like a force to be reckoned with! Ah...the death of ego doesn't come easily for most of us-especially since we *knew* we had it all figured out!!But when the walls start to come down and we find that we are truly our worst enemy, then a higher power sounds more reasonable. Defenses take up so much energy.

I remember a time in early recovery when I was really thinking hard about my defenses-intellect, dissociation, self destruction, control, etc. I was thinking about the concept of a wall around my heart. What did it look like?? I then imagined a huge brick wall with large iron spikes on top of it, and barbed wire!! Then, I felt very small and overwhelmed by it. I had trapped myself in it and got what I thought I wanted-to be left alone. But, I also wanted a choice! So, in my very little image of self, I tore down that big wall-used a bomb, some heavy equipment and cleared the space. Then, i felt too exposed and vulnerable..

So, I built a sliding glass door with pretty drapes pulled to the side! I liked the door open a little most of the time, but knew I could lock it whenever I wanted to. I have never revisited that design; it fits my highest path and allows me to fall in love with the world and people while releasing the illusion that I can ever truly hide who I am from others. The truth is, that we do see each other more clearly than we want to admit at times and that is ok!! Even us smarty pants know-it-alls have a place in the world.

[TheWillingSkeptic]

Go in at 6am Eastern US...I guess the best thing would be if they found a nice easy blockage to fix...! I already gave up on the "maybe the echo was wrong" idea! Ha!
Thank you so much MorningGlory...but I must admit...I don't really know what Reiki Healing is...do I have to know what it is for it to have an effect??? If so Ill cram tonight!
Any positive spiritual assistance would be appreciated...Ill take all the help I can get...

But then, if anything became...evident...to me...I'd have to change my name...
Ha! That'd be a small price to pay I suppose!!!!

[morning_glory]

i'm on PST so I'll be able to sleep in tom orrow and do distance healing LOL!! no, you don't have to know what Reiki is for it to work. It's Japanese energy healing-over 2000 yrs od tradition. You can pm me your pic-face works best or name-all kept confidential, if you want to as that helps me direct the energy. If not, I will work off the vibration of your posts-I know-it sounds crazy, but the recipients love it. Reiki can do no harm-it goes where its needed and leaves people feeling much calmer, along with many other positive effects. Just relax and imagine golden white Light coming in through your crown Chakra (top of head) and swirling through all your chakras and back again, also going where it's needed. I will work on the intentions of peace, perfect energy balance and a quiet mind! Tell me anything else you'd like to add. Remember to breathe in the Light and exhale the stress, negativity, fear, etc. Breathe...

New name? Enlightened Skeptic??

[Rocketman]

Best of luck Skeptic.
I am running late this morning.
Be back tomorrow.

[Giyana]

Skeptic, I am sorry, I just missed you (6AM EST) but I know all will go well for you. We are on the road today driving to michigan, but I will be thinking of you and am very happy you are here in our village; what a great neighbor!! I will check back as soon as I can.

Sophie, Eskimo, thinking of you too, because I know what a tough time of year the next month+ can be; then again, each day is only one more day that we are fortunate enough to have.

Thankfully for me, I am out of NYC: a place of a lot of pitfalls (my fav wine bar overlooked the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree, and I passed it every night on my way to the subway).

Thanks for all the good posts here; I get a lot of strength form the honesty as well...

Hugs all, Gi

[indigo]

I'm late on today been shopping & then catching up with a dear friend. I'm still here though & still got my best ear forward so I don't miss too much.

[Little Missy]

((Skeptic)) Hope all went well today!! Thinking of you!!

[TheWillingSkeptic]

Thanks everyone for all the kind thoughts and support...I am finding it difficult to find the words to express my gratitude...and amazement at such heartfelt responses from folks I don't even know...this site has been a great source of strength and hope for me lately...thank you all...!

Well, it appears as though I am somewhat of a mystery...so far anyway. I went in for a cardiac cath yesterday and they found no blockages. I also have no high blood pressure, no high cholesterol, just a weak, damaged heart...
They tell me a normal heart of someone of my age has an Ejection Fraction of 50-65%...mine has an Ef of 25%...for no apparent reason...
My heart is pushing out less than half the volume of of blood per contraction of the Left Ventricle as a normal one.
Right now they are calling it Congestive Heart Failure...and enlarged heart. How come the Grinch never had this problem when his heart "enlarged"???

So...time to make some drastic changes...in diet, in lifestyle...
The good news is, I already have a jump start on quiting alcohol and drug abuse!

The doc tells me that with this condition...it could just decide to go into fibrillation and stop any old time...particularly if fluid builds...how nice! One too many scoops of Thanksgiving gravy, vapor lock, TheSkeptic crashes to the floor and leaves a story to be told for generations to come! Ha! Sorry for the pity party...

Seriously...Hopefully someone reading this might think about their own diet, history, lifestyle etc...so they can avoid doing any damage to their heart up front...because...I have had no symptoms...of course now, every time I feel anything it freaks me out!

I joke about it but...to be honest with you all...I'm pretty scared...so is my wife...

Anyway, I hope this doesn't belong in some other medical related thread...I just know the friends I've met so far here will find my blabbing here...If I should be posting this type of thing somewhere else, please just let me know. I don't want to get reprimanded by the Village Constable... Ha! Then where would I go to blab...?







THis

[laurie6781]

My first response is GET A SECOND OPINION. Do some research on 'cardiologists' then request a referral from your primary doctor.

I'll post more later and I am PMing you now.

Love and hugs,

[TheWillingSkeptic]

Laurie,

Yeah that is what my wife was finding too...her brother is in the medical field and had some input...of course the " ya know if it doesn't get any better or even worsens even with changes in diet and lifestyle...there isn't really anything they can do for it...and if it turns for the worst, the only option at that point it transplant...OH SURE...JUST SCARE THE CRAP OUT OF ME WHY DON'T YA!...Jeez!
Worst case I.m sure but...scary just the same...

I did think of using yesterday, often, but if I did that, I really run the risk of driving my wife and kids the rest of the way away out the door...then what would I have...Not Much!

So...today, I am resolved to to not use...and wake up tomorrow and repeat...and so on, and so on...