Sparing feelings?

[Gooch]

I thought this might be a topic I could use some feedback on. It's one I definatley feel a need to share about.

I just received a froward from a friend. No hi how are you, no pat the kitty on the head, or how's the weather.

Most of the emails I have received from this person for the last 6 months have been jokes, links to pages, and the only human response I have had was when I made the effort to query them. It seems that the only reason I am included at all is because my name is on the "friends" group of their address book.

We started out as chat friends, met last fall, and sparks flew. They were flying a little too fast for me, I wondered whether this was a casual fling, or did it seem as though we might wind up taking it any farther. Definately felt like a mixed message even at that point. Seems my phone rang 20 times a day, and when we did get together, I almost felt smothered by the affection. (I really enjoyed that feeling.)

The relationship cooled down pretty quickly mostly due to distance and work schedules that did little to foster physical intimacy. It seemed that we did well staying in touch despite the distance. After xmas contact dropped off and all along I had reiterated that if the sitation arose and they met anyone else they had feelings for, I'd understand and hoped we could still be friends.

She repeatedly assured me she had no one in her life and was just very busy with work.

Yeah right. Over the last 3 months I have left a couple voice messages, and once in a while would get a call to chit chat for a few minutes. I sensed that something had changed. There was no voluntary info, and if I inquired after her daughter or grandaughter, her responses were clipped and terse, and left me feeling as if I was prying.

On one level I was being told to "keep in touch", on the other I was sensing rejection and felt pushed away.

The don't believe anything you hear but only what you see maxim comes to mind.

A week ago Friday, I called and got voice mail and left a message and wish for a Happy memorial day weekend. I was at work and about 20 minutes later the phoine rang and her caller id came up. When I ansered it and said "Hi stranger" there was no reply. I thought the cell phone had dropped the call.

As I was leaving in a few minutes, I figured I might as well try again once I was out of the building. When I called back a fellow answered the phone and I asked for L. He said "who's calling? and I told him. He said, "She doesn't want to talk to you" I replied and said" gee thats odd, I got a call from this number a few minutes ago and since I was at work insdie, I thought my call got dropped. I was just calling back to chat."

"Well she must have made a mistake"

I said "Ok then ...apparently she has made a big one" (Ow... I hate that I still find it so easy to retort) and hung up.

I am normally not the type to "write people off" and will always try to understand and accept others as they are. My defintion of love is "wanting the best for my loved ones even when I can no longer be a big part of their lives."

This is always the toughest part for me.. the letting go. It frustrates me no end when their is nothing left to salvage, or the price is too high for the return.

I'm supposed to have more love than that. The unconditional love we toss around. Why can't I just accept the fact that these folks are at a different place and leave i be. I sometimes have to bolt and padlock the door they closed from my side, because I can;t stand the suspense and fear they might open it again to toy with my affection.

The people that are left are the ones who know how to compassionately put the truth in front of me, inform me of their choices, and smile and tell me that although the future will be different, the past has been valuable and rewarding.

I cannot bear to have my feelings spared as an excuse to avoid the truth. In the long run the rift grows deeper than any chasm.

I'd rather be told to take a long walk off a short pier that there is no going forward the way things are, than to be strung along or "be saved for later" when I'm needed again.

I guess I have some sort of "expiration date" coding... like a carton of milk.. I feel like I'll expire if ignored and left out on the table.


I wrote a reply and asked her to remove me from the address group, let her know that she hadn't spared me anything at all by her secretness, and wished her happiness and all the best things in life.

I don't harbor any ill will for her, but it is difficult to understand how someone needs to be in that sort of relationship. Aha thats where I went wrong. perhaps I should have gotten her a collar and leash.

I hope I haven't put anyone to sleep and if you've hung in this far, thanks for listening. I know that I'm not the only one who feels this way, hopefully not the only one who responds this way.