ugh, wth

[BioXtasy]

▼▲so..lately ive been feeling really i dunno shit i never could explain feelings or emotions to well but damn man i just get this overwhelming urge to just cut again, and ive ignored the hell out of it an still am ignoring it but its there and god damn its a bish. what triggered this? hell if i know it started like.. hmm a week ago. i think it was kinda b/s to run outta prozac and stop doing meth and then! i lost my weed which was ALOT and then im going clean anyway so i dun care about either or any of um for that matter.

ugh i can't sleep right anymore im not thinking right anymore my shits all screwed up its so damn weird to have this feeling wash over my body. talk about some shitty feelings being sober blows.


oh an in other news on Monday ima finally go see whats up wit adult school. 4sure ill be going to school by next monday! unless theres somethin on there side holdin me back from going that soon.

gosh though..right now if i had a razor ooo..the things id do. damn just thinking about it drives me alil nuts.

**** man i could call this pain rather then shitty depression. then i have to act like im on one in front of everyone or else ill be all damn depressed an unenergetic. its like work keepin that up esp when inside i feel so down in the dumps, but not so much of a i wanna die just a kinda..**** i need to itch but i can't for whatever reason but if i do itch it'll go away but ill end up messing up w/e the reason was i can't itch. like a healing cut it'll itch but not for long,
▲
in regards to that last little piece|
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Wow that has to be the most useless shit ive typed in like 4years
as a matter uh fact that last lil part i really don't know what the hell i was even trying to say..and i really don't wanna reread it and then end up rewriting it all then doing the same thing like 5times over THEN finally wondering..why am i wasting so much time doing this...PRESS SUBMIT FOR GODS SAKE!!!!!!▼▲

[Done-With-It!]

Nothing you say is 'useless'.

How are you doing kiddo?

Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you. Just had a lot going on, and have had a hard time focusing enough to put any thoughts together to say what I wanted to say. That ADD thing you know,

How's it going?
How are you?
How's the girlfriend?

What's up?

[BioXtasy]

Originally Posted by Done-With-It!

Nothing you say is 'useless'.
LOL, i dare say many things i say are useless.

How are you doing kiddo?
eh could be better but than again when can't it be

Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you. Just had a lot going on, and have had a hard time focusing enough to put any thoughts together to say what I wanted to say. That ADD thing you know,

How's it going? <- didn't you ask that twice? O_o;
How are you? ISNT THIS THE SAME QUESTION AS THE OTHER TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! O_O!!!!
How's the girlfriend? yea..her 13yr old bro was curious about drugs and i was high when i was at there house a couple days ago and i enticed him into smoking some weed with me, and the next day she found out so she searched his room found his weed and a bag of meth, which was mine..i guess i dropped it when i pulled out the weed and he musta kept it ._. so yea >.>

What's up? Nothin but the sky an dark clouds

<.< >.>

[afrita]

I am really happy to be supportive of you and your recovery, Bio, but I am really quite saddened to see that you are smoking pot with a thirteen year old. I hope that was the last time.

[bikewench]

Bio...
I relate to the ugh feelings.
Seems like.. even though I WANT to feel different... I have this "thing" tugging at me all the time.
I can put on a happy face..
but underneath.. it's all blah. Besides which.. I feel like an imposter..

The slogan "act as if and the feelings will follow" IS something I believe in... and have experienced to a point in my recovery.
But it's such a grueling mental exercise for me right now that I just can't wrap my head around it enough to pull myself out of the yuck.


Although.. by communication with other recovering addicts this morning... I have now pictured my "thing" and my crap in a suitcase that I carry and am presently unwilling or unable to put down.
.. but I know that suitcases are not meant to be carried 24/7...
so.. I've managed to identify less with it.. and picture it as something that I will let go of one day.

This little glimmer of hope is all I need today.

Regardless of how and why I slip...
and slip I do...
I will always be a recovery in progress.

Your not alone in how you feel.

[BioXtasy]

Originally Posted by afrita

I am really happy to be supportive of you and your recovery, Bio, but I am really quite saddened to see that you are smoking pot with a thirteen year old. I hope that was the last time.

shit man round here? pfft thirteen year olds smoke me out i really don't know anyone thats thirteen that doesn't smoke weed. lifes stressful ya know >.>

[Done-With-It!]

Bio, Need I remind you, You ARE on a Recovery board....

i enticed him into smoking some weed with me,

Not acceptable... on a board like this. You know this.

You are 19 years old for crying out loud, don't give me any excuses about stress and why you helped get a 13 year old high.
If you are happy with yourself about this, don't look for support about it here.
You going to get your little brother high next? Never mind I don't want to know.

Please remember this IS a "Recovery board".

You are above behavior like this, I know you well enough.

[BioXtasy]

I wish no one cared about me, so that it would be so easy to just end everything and stop all the sadness, happyness, lonelyness, hurt, hope, love an any other emotion.

the world is a shitty place to live in. but i guess ill be here for awhile *Sigh*

[Done-With-It!]

Originally Posted by BioXtasy

I wish no one cared about me, so that it would be so easy to just end everything and stop all the sadness, happyness, lonelyness, hurt, hope, love an any other emotion.

the world is a shitty place to live in. but i guess ill be here for awhile *Sigh*

I've felt like that soooo many times. I can totally understand and I know it does feel unfair, I'm not sure what the answer is except to keep on trying.
I know the drugs that you are doing make it worse but I won't preach.

Are you still on the Wellbutrin? Are you seeing a therapist or anything?
I'm sorry I wish I could help more, If I could I would. I feel your pain, been there more times than not I think, still am some days.



Keep talking kiddo

[BioXtasy]

wellbutrin? wth wasn't i on prozac? anyway though nah i ran out and my homies gf had gave me some of her pills since she didn't like them+meth, but i used those since she only gave me like 20 or so. i can't go buy any cause i dunno most of my money is to tied up in other things. as for therapist no never seen one not in my whole life. Wish i was though! to hectic around here to get anything like that going though..i just can't ever find the time to find a therapist and go..etc time is not my fav thing to keep track of

[afrita]

You can't get better by taking antidepressants off the street. When it is important enough to you, you will make the time for the things that can get you well! One could likely be a doctor, one could likely be a therapist . . . but it is your call. All I know is that twenty days of prozac or wellbutrin could not put you on any kind of even keel: you have to gradually take it, in incremental doses, so it will build up in your system. Are you interested in going to your doctor to get a prescription?

afrita

[BioXtasy]

no what i meant was i had like an hour to sit in the car with her while my friend went to go handle 'business' an anyway i had already been taking prozac i had mentioned to her i was running like hella low so she offered to kick me down some of hers since they were the same. but i do wanna go fill my prescription cause i think i was doing better with the meds then without but till i really go sober again like i was for awhile i really won't know how im doing.

[afrita]

Ah, I've got it! I'm glad you are going to get your prescription filled! I hear what you are saying about how you don't know if they actually help--I went through that for a looong while taking antid's but still drinking, which cuts their effectiveness, so you don't know if you feel ok, so I kept drinking . . . not fun.

[Done-With-It!]

Ahhh B.... Go get your script filled, and yea sorry you were on Prozac, I'm on wellbutrin, lol, Make the time to find a therapist, You are worth it. It will help
you more than the meds and more than the drugs..... Really it will

[BioXtasy]

Yeah, see when i first got back from texas i got help an stuff an i was sober when i started taking prozac an i had went awhile without using i could tell there they were doing what they were intended on doing, but i started to drift off from my soberness an back to my old ways i went..