Hello again family

[jpeace]

I missed you all! Life has been crazy, crazy the last year or so. I can't even remember how long it's been since I have been here, but I have thought of you all and kept you in my prayers.

Since I read a couple other confessions, and our program stresses honesty always, I guess I should fess up too. I'm starting over after almost 4 years sober. I was trying not to make a big huge deal of it, but I at least have to say something to those of you who have been so loving and supportive for so long.

I think I got cocky. I was never truly sure I was an alcoholic, and part of me still isn't--I know I have a tendency to abuse alcohol, that I can own 150%. I don't/didn't ever drink every single day, never got far enough gone that I lost my job, my friends, family, etc...like so many others have. I was the dangerous kind--a "functional drunk." I could go to work sober, be fine all day, and even sometimes all week, but come the weekend, it was ON. Or come a bad day at work, I was running for the bottle to make it go away.
I managed to honestly stay sober for all that time without much besides this forum and my sponsor, who I have kinda drifted away from in the last year, probably due to busyness on both our parts. It's not her fault. I didn't really "need" her after a while, and since she is not close by it was becoming next to impossible for me to finish my 4th/5th step with her. It's done, for the most part, all written and ready to read, but I guess I didn't take enough initiative to get it done. Anyway....I'll figure that part out later.

There's no big dramatic story here really. I almost feel silly "confessing." I had a beer or two while out with a group of friends a couple months or so ago. Just two. No biggie. It didn't spark cravings, or a drinking binge, or any of the things I have seen some of you struggle with. It was just two beers. Nothing else after that for weeks. Then, I started having some stress in my current relationship. One night, we decided we wanted a glass of wine with dinner. OK, I can do that. I had the beer and nothing bad happened. But we were having a bad day--his ex wife is a royal bitch and is trying so hard to rip us apart--that we, or I should say I, kicked the whole bottle while cooking dinner. We stopped at that, but I was pretty buzzed, having been clean for so long, and the old feelings of....more, more, make this shit go away.....started to come back. I still didn't drink after that, but several times have felt that reflex as we are still continuing to deal with the ex and her shenanigans.

I honestly have not felt the urge to drink when I was stressed out for at least the last two of the four years I was sober. I had other tools, other options, and used them. Religiously. But ever since I had a few here and there, the demon apparently woke up. I'm still OK today, and I haven't drank since that night at dinner, and don't plan to. But I think it scared me a little that while I'm not completely out of control yet, I certainly have the propensity to get there if I am not careful.

So there you have it. I humbly come back to my family, who I truly have missed. I'm not asking for forgiveness, and I know the doors are always open here, but I guess I just needed to get this all out today. It's been a rough weekend and it is only Saturday morning. But I am sober today and plan to stay there.

Thanks for letting me share. I love you guys, and it is good to be home.