How to help a grandchild who's parent is incarcerated...

[Velvet]

There are more than 721,000 parents living behind bars. Where are the children of these prison inmates? It depends. When Dad is in prison, most children live with Mom. When Mom is in prison, many children live with grandparents and other relatives.

Are you raising grandchildren who have a parent in prison? Your grandchildren are dealing with a lot right now, aren't they? Their needs may seem overwhelming to you. Don't despair. There are steps that you can take to help your grandchildren cope with what is happening in their lives.

What to Tell the Child

When a parent goes to prison, children want to know what happened. It's always best to tell the truth. If you make up a story to protect your grandchildren, it could backfire. The story may not make sense to the children. Kids are smart. They'll know you're hiding something from them—and they may imagine that it's something far worse than what really happened. This could make them nervous or afraid. Or, the grandchildren may hear the real story from friends in the neighborhood. Then they will feel that you have betrayed them.

Remember: children of incarcerated parents need stability in their lives. They also need to know that they can trust the people around them. Don't let white lies damage the trust your grandchildren have in you.

How much should you tell? Give young children a simple explanation of what happened. Older children can handle the complete story. Most kids will understand what you mean when you say that the parent did something wrong and is being punished.

Not everyone in the family will agree on what to say to youngsters. You will have to work this out with other family members. Help the family come to a decision that is best for the children.

Dealing with Difficult Emotions

Your grandchildren will probably feel many conflicting emotions when their parent goes to jail. They may feel angry and ashamed that the parent has done bad things. But, at the same time, they could remain very loyal to the parent. They may be afraid that they will never see the parent again. They could fear that you may leave them too.

What can you do to help? Let your grandchildren know that you love them and that you're not going anywhere. Listen when they want to talk about their parent. Let them know that it's "okay" to feel the way they do—even if their feelings are different from your feelings. A child may miss his or her parent and want to see the parent often. On the other hand, you may be angry at the parent and want no contact. You and your grandchild don't have to feel the same things. But you must respect the child's feelings. Don't try to change those feelings.

Ongoing Communication

Helping your grandchildren stay in touch with their parent helps everyone. The children will feel loved and connected to their family. They'll have a chance to make peace with what the parent has done. This will help them adjust more easily when the parent comes home. Staying in touch could even help the parent turn his or her life around. Inmates with strong family ties usually do better after they leave prison.

Your grandchildren can talk with an incarcerated parent on the telephone. Or they can swap letters with the parent. Help the children keep a list of things they want to tell Mom or Dad. This will make it easier to write letters or make phone calls when the time comes. Mail cards on special holidays. Send report cards and other school papers, too. Remind the parent to send cards on the children's birthdays.

Think about taking the children to visit the parent in prison. This might not be an easy thing to do. The prison might be far away from where you live. Getting there may cost money. Plus, the prison may not be very child-friendly. Try to go anyway. Studies show that children do better at home if they can visit a parent in jail. Kids usually think that prison conditions are much worse then they really are. Seeing a parent in prison can set their minds at ease.

Several organizations sponsor programs that make it easier for children to visit their parents in prison. Find out if the prison has these programs.

If the Child Doesn't Want Contact

Some children don't want to have any contact with a parent who is in jail. There could be many reasons for this. Maybe the child didn't get along with the parent before the arrest. The child may not like going to the prison. Older kids may think prison visits are boring.

Don't force the child to visit. But don't give up too easily, either. Try to gently convince the child to stay in touch by phone or mail. Not having any luck? Don't bring up the subject for a few weeks. It may help if the parent tries to reach out to the child.

[indigo]

Thanks for posting such useful info Velvet, you know I believe telling the truth in a way children can understand it is always the best way. As you said otherwise things backfire, I see that with both the parents & other grandmother of my grandchild, their lives are built on secrets & lies. Children have rights to be protected & rights to know & understand also.

[Velvet]

I know Hope takes great care of her grandson and I know that you would move the earth for Lou, but thought some others might be experiencing the same thing and thought this was good.

[Hopefloats]

Oh Velvet this WAS good! Thank you!!!!!
My grandson has adjusted nicely. PLEASE know, that I am not saying it was easy or that it came without a ton of emotion because it WAS hard and the emotions spilled over. What my grandson got from our family was a talk about this situation in words that he could understand. My grandson was also allowed to ask any question that he had. I remember his first visit to his mom, when the tears came flooding out and then the anger came. He told his mom he was not mad about her being in prison but he WAS MAD ABOUT HER DOING DRUGS! We teach our children about drugs, so my little grandson had a mixed bag of emotions.

You know, for the longest time, when daughter was in and out of jail, we told her son that she was away at school. He was little and not old enough to have the "talk." The therapist at that time agreed. We also knew as my boy grew that we could no longer continue with the school idea...and the truth needed to be told. We also explained Why we were unable to talk to him when he was smaller and we explained that he was little. My grandson was good with that, and he appreciates the truth, AS hard as that truth is.

We take him to see his mom 1 to 2 times a month. They talk almost daily on the phone and cards and letters are exchanged. We let my grandson tell US what feels comfortable. If he did not want to go for a visit, which has not happened, we would not force him.

This past Sat. we went. We brought in Pizza Hut, and we had a great time playing Uno and another board game. I bring snacks for the ride up, and of course that is our night, where after he sees his mom, he comes back to grammy's house for our sleep-over. My grandson also uses this time to talk about his mom and it helps him a LOT to be able to do this. And being a strong woman figure in his life, not just his grammy.....I think that he needs a "surrogate" mommy's love at that time...if that makes sense to you. I fill in a LOT of the blanks being the woman/mom role for my grandboy.
He has a SUPER dad, so my family is blessed that way.

We live by that rule that I think is CRITICAL in my family.. "We love the child MORE THAN, we could possibly hate anything else." Therefore our decisions are based on what is best for him, and not tainted by our anger or our pain or our disappointment or anything else that anyone may be feeling towards my daughter. The children must ALWAYS come first.

[Velvet]

You're a good woman, Hope...a good Grannie too!

[Hopefloats]

Thank you for those kind words Velvet