Hi again!

[Jernau]

Hi, It has over two years since my last post on here and I am back again to try and stop drinking.

Mine, I guess, may be a common problem and one which is ruining not only mine but also my family's life.

For me this is the first step in trying to combat my problem. By writing this on here hopefully I will find help, advice and inspiration in my journey.

I am 42 years of age and I have been a "heavy" drinker for all of my adult life. I don't need to drink every day but to be truthfull there aren't many days that I don't drink. I don't allways get drunk, maybe just have 2 or 3 beers but there are the days when I don't stop until there's nothing left, I pass out or I am taken home by my wife or friend.

Usually these days are a social function. I have convinced myself over the years that I need alcohol in order to give me confidence and to be sociable.

This happens maybe once every 1 or 2 months. There's no real pattern, just every now and again I just get horriblly drunk and upset Sara, my wife. There is also the terrible feeling the day after when I wake up. I try to remember what I did the night before, who I have upset, what embarrasing things I did, how many people did I make a fool of myself in front of........

The catalyst for me coming back here is that I was horribly drunk again yesterday. We were at a wedding of Sara's family. Not the best set of circumstances to get drunk. Most of the people present had never seen me drunk before but they all have now.

Another reason for me to try and stop drinking now is my children are at an age where they notice things and realise that their Dad is drunk. That is a horrible feeling.

So, how do I go about stopping?

I tell myself that where I come from, a small ex-coal mining town in Northern England, that everybody drinks there and it is in my "culture" or my blood to go out and get blind every now and again. Maybe this it true, to a certain extent that there is a level of cultural influence but it is more than just that. When I am drinking it seems that there is a "switch" that turns itself off. All common sense goes out of the window and from that point onwards I am just drinking to reach oblivion and nothing else.

In the cold light of day the following day I ask myself why I do that and I don't really know the answer. It is not a pleasant feeling being blind drunk and people looking at me and asking themselves who is this idiot making a fool of himself.

Maybe understanding the mechanism of why the "switch" gets pressed is the first step in stopping? Why do I persist in testing Sara's limits of endurance when I know that I have so much to lose. We have been close to ending our relationship many times but she has always gave me another chance. I can't have many chances left and I know that if the day ever did come where we were to split up that I would probally sink into a deeper cycle of drinking which is not a very nice prospect and ultimately brings with it a dark horizon.

Why can't I just enjoy a few beers or a couple glasses of wine like a normal person and leave it at that? Is it possible for someone like me to eliminate the "switch" scenario and enjoy a few social drinks with friends or do I have to stop all alcohol consumption alltogether?

So today is day 1. (again)

I guess I will be spending more time on here in the coming weeks/months so I look forward to getting to know some of you.

This has been a bit of a rambling monologue but I think it has helped me realise where I am and where I want to be. Now it is just the hard part inbetween that I have to address!