What do you do?

[Don S]

What are you?

The problems with labels.

When you describe yourself, it is very difficult to avoid rating yourself.
When you describe your behavior, you can take a step back from it. It is not your identity. You are not your behavior. Feel free to judge your behavior, and to set goals for how to change it. But be careful not to judge yourself.

When you label yourself, you usually oversimplify. We are complex beings, capable of many different roles in the course of our lives. Often we fill different roles just over the period of a day. There are roles we are proud of, and others of which we are not proud: because we are judging ourselves in the role.

So the first step is to try a simple exercise.
Whenever you find yourself labeling yourself, add to the label to remind yourself of the many things you do. If you say “I am an alcoholic,” then there must be other things you “are” as well. I’ve never met anyone who was just an alcoholic.
Are you a husband, a father, a brother, a son? A wife, mother, sister, daughter? A business owner, employee; an artist, a cook? Are you a naturalist? A philanthropist? A spiritual seeker? An activist?
You aren’t just what you were born into or married, or baptized into, nor are you only what you get paid for.

Here’s the problem. We almost reflexively assign a grade or judgment to each role. “I’m not a good father.” That oversimplifies one of the most complex relationships in humankind. “I’m a pretty good musician.” By what objective standard?

So now the second step. Stop defining yourself by what you “are” and describe, instead, what you do.
I sell plants and help people succeed at gardening. I write, I play the piano. I get paid for the first two things. There are parts of the natural world about which I am knowledgeable. I make time for my adult children and their friends, and provide a home and meals that they enjoy. I work to some degree on local “causes.” I used to drink a lot, and I don’t drink anymore.

There are many things that we hope to do more effectively or with greater skill. We can set goals, practice, learn from others. We can acknowledge our skills as well as our imperfections. It may be harder to change a label than to change behavior!

So, what do you do?