dirty little secrets

[CAPTAINZING]

“I’m scared to let anyone see me naked.” “I manipulated my daughter into dating a boy who reminded me of the man I loved and lost.” “I post nude photos of myself online to affirm my confidence in my body.” If you’ve ever felt tempted to share your deepest, darkest secrets, you’re not alone. The confessions above have shown up, along with hundreds of others, on the website PostSecret.com. And while there are times when it’s okay to spill the beans, there are also times when it’s better to lock it in the vault forever. How do you know when to come clean and when to clam up? Read on to find out…
If the provocative website PostSecret.com – where people send anonymous postcards bearing secrets they’ve never told anyone – is any gauge, there’s a lot that Americans want to get off their chests. The site, launched in 2004 as an art project by Washington, D.C. business owner Frank Warren, now draws about 200 submissions a day – 100,000 total and counting.
No one knows for sure why folks are so eager to bear their souls online. But according to some therapists, many of those who share their secrets could do themselves – and their confidantes – a favor by sealing their lips.

Some confessions feel great for the confessor but lousy for the person who’s supposed to keep it confidential,” says Dr. Joy Browne, an author and psychologist who hosts a nationally syndicated radio call-in show (DrJoy.com). “They can also cause great stress for the other person. You may have forgiven an uncle who molested you, but the spouse or relative you confess to may not.”
What Qualifies as a Secret?
According to Dr. Anita Kelly, a psychology professor at the University of Notre Dame and author of the book The Psychology of Secrets (Plenum, 2002), a secret is any piece of information you work to keep people from knowing. Secrets usually fall into one of three categories: sexual, mental health-related and failure-related. The last is most often tied to competence on the job.
If you’re unsure whether to tell all or reveal nothing, ask yourself this question: Would people generally expect me to give them this type of information?
“If the answer is no… you don’t have to reveal it,” Kelly says. For example, having had a mustache removed by electrolysis is private info. If discussing it would embarrass you, keep your now-fuzz-free lip buttoned. (Does your new beau really need to know?) On the other hand, if a friend is considering the same hair removal treatment, you might want to reassure her that it worked like a charm for you and she should try it, too

However, if the information is of a more serious nature – an abortion you underwent as a teenager, for instance – you’re under no obligation to tell other people. This applies even if someone asks directly or if a friend is facing a similar dilemma and hearing your story might help her. On the other hand, you may choose to tell if it would unburden you from keeping it under lock and key.
When debating whether to ‘fess up or keep mum about a serious issue or event in your past, Browne suggests asking yourself this: Is this information something the other person might learn about independently? If so, how would he or she likely react? Odds are, “It’s better for him or her to hear it from you first,” Browne says. “If you’ve been arrested or divorced three times, tell. Sexually transmitted diseases should be confessed upfront. It will only be more upsetting for the person to discover later.”
Likewise, a physical condition that manifests itself occasionally – such as epilepsy – and requires attention from those around you should be revealed. And parents of adopted children should always tell them as early as possible, Browne says.
Generally, secrets pertaining to job performance should be divulged. Say you forgot to ship a large order to a key customer, or you suddenly realize that you miscalculated and charged a client for 45 hours instead of 35. Be honest in both cases.

Ignorance Is Bliss
If the secret involves something that occurred long ago and presents no physical threat to your loved one, keep it to yourself. “I think it’s not a good idea to reveal adultery that happened in the past,” Browne says. “It puts the innocent spouse in the position of having to either punish you or forgive you, both of which are hard.”
Even if a secret won’t lower your colleague or friend’s opinion of you, it may be best to keep silent. Why? Studies show that it’s stressful for friends to keep secrets for you. The desire to tell someone else when we hear confidential information is a normal, human response – not a malicious urge to gossip, according to experts. By unburdening yourself, you in turn pass the burden of your secret along to a friend or loved one.
What’s more, just because a friend cares about you, doesn’t mean she’ll say the right thing or give you the comfort, validation and reassurance you crave. Not everyone knows how to contend with revelations – especially those of a serious nature, like drug use or sexual abuse. Nor do friends always refrain from passing judgment or making inappropriate remarks that can leave you regretting your decision to spill.
Despite the popular perception that it hurts to hold a secret inside, sharing isn’t always best for your peace of mind, Kelly says. People with secretive natures in general sometimes suffer from unusually high degrees of stress. But in most cases, keeping one specific secret to yourself won’t do major damage. It won’t cause paranoia, depression or chest pains, she assures. In fact, worrying that your confidante will pass your secret on to others (what if your BFF becomes your ex-BFF?) may be more likely to trigger paranoia and panic attacks.
How about naughty little secrets like having a crush on your friend’s husband or your married boss? “Keep your mouth shut to everyone,” Browne advises. “Enjoy the fantasy. It’ll be much better kept a secret.” Your friend might feel threatened rather than flattered if she finds out you’re overly fond of her hubby. In the workplace, your adoration might not seem so innocent after traveling through the office grapevine. It could leave you blushing and your coworkers snickering at the next morning meeting. At worst, it could jeopardize your job.
What about small gaffes, like spilling red wine on your white jacket in front of a key client? Keep them to yourself even if it would make you feel better to tell. Your boss might not find it as funny as you do. It might even undermine his or her confidence in you.
So what do you do when you simply can’t hold your secret in any longer? If it’s a juicy tidbit about the gorgeous guy you hooked up with at the company Christmas party, tell a friend who doesn’t know him, doesn’t work in your field (let alone in your office) and knows nobody from your staff. Better yet, find an anonymous outlet like PostSecret.com or a chat room.
If a secret is bothering you, and it’s something serious, such as a traumatic childhood incident, it might be time to turn to a professional. “That’s what psychologists and [religious figures] are there for,” Browne says. “They’re the ones trained to deal with these things, and you can trust them not to tell.”