Why won't friend's family help him??

[Rose]

Hello all! I'm new here & was hoping someone could assist me. I have a friend who is addicted to pain pills. How do I convince his family to get him the help he needs? Every time I mention things like..Baker acting, staging an intervention or something. They say "it won't help because he can sign him self out the next day". Or some crazy thing like that. His sister is on pain meds & he has stolen them from her, taken meds from his parents medicine cabinet. Just recently he got pissed at his sister because she will not sell him any pain pills and started saying things like he did'nt want anything to do with her anymore, she can't see her nieces anymore and that he was going to tell people she molested her nieces....etc All this in an effort to get pain meds. He's 30 years old, lives at home with his parents and has 2 beautiful daughters that live with their mother(he's going thru a custody battle now). His parents do everything for him, they cook his meals, do his laundry, paid for his car & pay the insurance on it. He does'nt work, he was on workman's comp but they stopped that & he won't find another job. He has a therapist that prescribes him percaset(don't know if I spelled that right) because he say's it calms him. Just a few weeks ago his Dr. gave him a script for 30 pills right before he took his daughters to North Carolina with his parents to their cabin. His mother stated the whole time he was there he could'nt walk/talk because he was so f***ed up. They could'nt even go out to dinner and he did'nt do anything with his girls there. His sister found the bottle from the Dr. that he just got(30 percaset) and it was empty, he had just gotten it the day before. He has come to my house before and been so stoned that he was standing in front of the tv bobbing up & down & when I came back in the living room he was passed out on the floor. All this while he had a pot of water boiling on the stove for his tea. He will sleep for days, while eating his face will fall into his food. He's gotten into so many small accidents from driving being stoned, a few times he has gone to use the bathroom at my house an urinated all over my floor/shower curtain. His sister and I are roommates and I told her I did'nt want him over anymore he told me I could'nt see his daughters anymore. He seem's to use them as a pawn to get what he wants. He's always' texting his sister asking if she can sell him any pills & when she say's no he get's verbally abusive towards her. I'm getting sick and tired of listening to his family complain about him and when I put my 2 cents in about him they get deffensive towards me. They refuse to do anything about his addiction, it's like they have blinders on. Don't they know he can overdose, hurt someone else while stoned and driving, he been violent towards family memebers before while stoned(once I had to call 911 during an argument with his dad/sister) he took off running down the road befor the cops got there and when the cops got there they told them he was just stressed over his divorce and his ex wife not letting him see his girls. What can I do to make them see the light. I'm afraid to do anything on my own, in fear of repurcutions(don't know how to spell it).

[Velvet]

Hello all! I'm new here & was hoping someone could assist me. I have a friend who is addicted to pain pills. How do I convince his family to get him the help he needs?

The sad truth is, the family can't make him get better. They can't do anything. It is the addict, himself, that must decide to make changes in his life.
He probably isn't going to want to change or get help if someone is always paying his way and making life 'easy' for him. That's called enabling. If he is enabled and never has to face the consequences for his actions of using, it will take a heck of a long time to reach his final stages.
It is very hard for family members to detach and let go, but Alanon and some good co-dependent reading will help. It took me a good four years to finally figure it out. It doesn't mean we don't love our children, it means we don't want them dead. The problem with us 'enablers' is that we don't want them to feel bad, to look bad, to go without, to have to 'suffer'. In the long run we are helping them kill their selves. It's a tough long road for both the family and the addict but once you educate yourself, you'll slowly start to see.
We can only take care of ourselves. We can only control ourselves....not the addict.
We can not make the addict want to get help....we can only get help for us....so that we can be okay when the addict is ready for help.

[Velvet]

Here's a link of one of our great threads with several stories about our own addicts, whom we dearly love and want to see get well. I think if you take the time to read through the pages you may feel some relief.
http://www.thesobervillage.com/forum...ead.php?t=6837

[indigo]

Yes what Velvet said is sadly very true, only the addict can change their own behaviour, they have to choose to change & want it. It's so sad to have to detach with love & watch somebody you care deeply for destroy themselves. Otherwise one is co-enabling the addict to continue. It's often called tough love & it appears to be the way forward. There is never any certainty in the outcome I'm sorry for all concerned it is a very sad & all too frequent situation.
Welcome to SV there are wonderful people here to listen, support & not give judgement.

[Rose]

Thanks for responding. Alot of people have told me what his family is doing is called "enabling" him. It's just so damn frustrating to see them do it. He has alway's been the little prince in the family, he can do no wrong. Their parents can bitch all the time at his sister(my roommate) about losing weight, getting a job, finishing school....etc And they don't do a damn thing about their 30yr old drug addict son that still lives at mommies & daddies. Just the other day he texted his sister that he was going to cut back on the summer visitation time with his 2 daughters & that when their mother get's deployed to Iraq here soon he's going to let them stay with their mother's parent's instead of staying with him while she's gone. His mother said that he has not been taking his meds that the dr. has prescribed him and he has been VERY moody lately. Why is that, is that withdrwals or just another addiction thing? In the past he has talked about killing himself, but no one seems to take him seriously on that either. They just think he's saying that to get attention(throwing a pity party). One minute he can be the sweetest person & then a few hrs/days later he is a real a** I just wish that his family would wake up & smell the coffee before like I told his sister....something terrible happens & everyone say's "why did'nt we do something to help him in the begining?" Or "I could'nt see this coming or did'nt think it wold come to this."

[indigo]

Addiction is very unpredictable we can choose to enable or not it took me many years to stop enabling & it was one of the most difficult things I faced. Perhaps he will decide to change I hope so.

[Velvet]

The moods swings could be a bipolar issue or just the drugs taking control. On and off...up and down. The addicts life is a roller coaster ride taking everyone else along. The most important part is not getting on the coaster with the addict. It takes alot of learning and patience.

[Giyana]

Have a look

[Rose]

Thank you Giyana, I will take a look. His mother is bipolar is that inherited? The Dr. just said he is OCD, I thought that had to do w/ alway's wanting things in a certain place or doing things over & over again....etc?

[Chy]

OCD comes in many forms and can be managed with either drugs or behavioral therapy. It's hard to know what really is going on with him. If he is bipolar and not taking his meds for that it would cause the mood changes.

At least he knows he's not able to take care of the kids which is a good thing for the kids. People who enable are often called codependent and need to work on themselves in managing that when it comes to an addict or alcoholic. Unfortunately as a by stander looking in there is not much you can do until everybody involve agree to get help. Addiction can totally enmesh families into unhealthy behavior. I hope this family gets help.

[Rose]

I know there is nothing I personally can do. Everytime I try to speak up about it I get told not to say anything about him. I to hope the family wakes up & smells the coffee.

[indigo]

I hope so too Rose unfortunately familes tend to somehow "not see" (don't want to see or can't face) problems ot the type you describe it's essential he takes his meds. Look after yourself sweetie.

[Rose]

just wanted to say HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!! stay safe