I had another awakening...

[serenewmn]

Hi all, hope you are all doing great!

Last week I had what my sponsor calls another awakening.

Yup, my new awakening was that I am full of shit.
I get home from work on Monday nights, eat dinner, freshen my makeup, and off I go to my home group.

I love my homegroup because of the people, the energy in the room, and the honest sharing that takes place.

I realized last week that I have gone week after week, month after month, and just tell everyone I am fine, and rarely share. I encourage the newcomers and talk politely to the ones who have been in the rooms for years, trying to come off like I have all my shit together and have no problems or issues. What a crock of crap!

I have benefitted from their gut wrenching, honest sharing, and not contributed with my own honest sharing. I walk away from my mirror thinking, ya, I look ok, and off I go to my meeting where I continue to wear a mask.

I know their deepest darkest secrets and fears, and they know virtually nothing about me. I feel like such a fake. I wonder how many of them could smell my ***** even though I was oblivious to it. They were gracious enough not to say anything about it, but I am glad that I finally smelt it.

I try to impress the newcomers and the ones who have been around for years, more concerned about how I look than how real I am.

I have lost almost 50 lbs. this past year, and came to the realization during this awakening that I am still looking for exterior sources to make me feel more confident and better about myself, instead of doing the work I need on the inside. What an eye opener.

While I'm on a roll, I want to also say that I have been going to these singles group functions (outside of NA) and men have been taking more notice of me, asking for dates, giving me their numbers, and I take their numbers and smile my little flirtatious smile, knowing all the while that I have no intention of calling them. But I take the numbers and continue in my game.
Why...another awakening came to me that I am feeding my ego at the expense of these poor men. Am I guilty of leading them on, of making them think that they stand a chance when I know damned well I have little or no interest? Absolutely! I feel so bad about myself since coming to this realization. At the beginning of this week while all these realizations hit, I felt like shit. I felt anger, I felt shame, I felt so much disappointment in myself. I actually thought I was working my program to the best of my ability.

My Higher Power has allowed me to be knocked off my pedestal a few major times in my life, and I feel this was another time. Things were going so smooth for me in recovery... probably too smoothly.

My view since yesterday is that I am glad I finally smelled my own shit. I'm glad for this awakening. I need to stop taking myself so seriously, stop being so fearful of slipping up in speach or actions, and just be human. I need to humbly accept that I need to get in the game in my homegroup at a different level. What difference does it make how good I look, if on the inside I still feel insecure, fearful, proud and cocky?

Thank you for letting me share all this. I plan to do the same at my next homegroup meeting Monday night, and people will probably fall off their chairs.

Big NA hugs
Diana