Don't know what to say to the kids.

[LaTeeDa]

I’m being pummeled by my own emotions right now. I feel like such a wreck.

My husband called on Saturday and said that he realized that he had just been ‘going along’ with me all these years and not really living the life he wanted. He said that he wants the divorce also because he can’t put any more effort into this relationship. He speculated that maybe that was the reason he started drinking—because he was living a life he didn’t want. I know some part of me probably knew deep down that he was not happy in the relationship, but to hear him say it just knocked me down. I wonder what the last 20 years of my life has been.

On top of this, he has been hinting that he wants to keep the sexual part of our relationship. Huh? I’m divorcing him because he can’t commit and he thinks I would be okay with casual sex????? UGGGGHHHH. After twenty years, he doesn’t even know me?

Then there’s the kids. They are starting to see that things are not going to be they way they have been over the past 9 or so months. (the time we were trying to reconcile) They want to know why we can’t do things all together as a family. I say we can, but maybe not as often as before. I also told them that I need some time and space to sort out my own feelings before I can feel comfortable doing ‘family stuff’ with him. They don’t understand my anxiety and mixed emotions regarding the above, and I cannot explain it to them. It’s not their problem.

I think we can end up being friends, but I just need some distance from him right now.

I really don’t know where I am going with this post. I just feel all confused and don’t want to confuse my kids, too. I guess I just needed to vent.

L

[Bruce]

It is entirely possible that he is confused himself. Maybe he does believe he has not been living the life he wanted-everyone feels that way from time to time-or maybe he said it to hurt you. At any rate it was his decision, and it was his decision to drink as well. I hope you aren't putting any blame on yourself here for any of that.
Personally, I think you did well by being honest with the children about your feelings. How better to handle it?
((LTD))

love-B

[equus]

This is from a non parent who works in children's participation - but hell I believe in it!!

I think their sense of powerlessness can make things harder so although it doesn't answer all the questions perhaps offering them chances to call SOME of the shots will help ease things along.

You say they know things aren't going to be the same? Perhaps that's an opportunity to validate their feelings of grief, acknowledge their perception, and ask them if there are things in particular they would like to keep as the whole family (maybe christmas, birthdays, sports?) - but the point being to let them know they can have some say and that you'll tailor some plans around what they want. Perhaps inviting them (age pending but I think most kids do better than expected) to discuss some future plans with you and their Dad.

I rattle on till the moo cows come home about giving kids choices and sharing decisions wherever possible but only because I believe firmly they are little people and like the rest of us need to have a growing sense of empowerment - as opposed to seeing life as happening to them. If it was me I'd be squeeling like a stuck pig! You're handling it with so much dignity.

Counselling might give you a real boost. As much as anything else as a means to get some you time for what you feel.

Take so much care of you L - you are such a cool Mum, you'll figure a way through and they will always have you there to grow up with.


On another note - I'm SO SORRY you are having to deal with all of this. I try but can't imagine how confusing and sad it must be.

[Judy]

It sounds as if he is being honest with himself and with you. You have been saying for months that this is really what he wants, now he has admitted this to himself.

It hurts that this man who is everything you want with the exception of a few things has decided that what you have been saying is right.

((( LTD ))) everything will be OK with time.

[Minx1969]

(((LTD)))) -

The part that struck me (because I heard the same thing from my ex the musician) was that he didn't want to put any more effort into the relationship. My ex said it was "just too hard"...

I was unable to accept my ex for who he was..and he was a guy that didn't want to have any responsibility.

(oh yeah..mine would call me after we broke up to tell me "I'm horny"..I was like WTF?? as if!!)

I'm sorry that he is so quick to go and not truly look into being a good partner at this time but also I'm relieved that you are getting so more answers - however painful they must be.

I feel for you..

and like Judy said..it will get better eventually...

[Chy]

Originally Posted by LaTeeDa

He speculated that maybe that was the reason he started drinking—because he was living a life he didn’t want.

L

Hold the phone, havent' read beyond that.. that's a crock, he drank because he didn't want to participate in life and preffered the grog and fog... don't take ANY blame here... he found an excuse....it wasn't about you.....will go finish reading now

[LaTeeDa]

I think their sense of powerlessness can make things harder so although it doesn't answer all the questions perhaps offering them chances to call SOME of the shots will help ease things along.

Well, I think I may have the opposite problem here. The thing that prompted my uneasiness was that they called Sunday morning and invited their dad to come watch the Super Bowl with us. I told them that was fine, but next time please ask me first. This prompted from them "why can't you guys still be friends?" I said we can and will, but I need some time and distance to sort all this out. I don't want to lay all my confusion on them and I certainly don't want to say anything that will cause them to think badly of him. I just don't want to be around him right now.

Perhaps inviting them (age pending but I think most kids do better than expected) to discuss some future plans with you and their Dad.

That would be great, but as I've mentioned before, he sucks and making future plans. I've hardly known him to plan further ahead than next week in the twenty years I've known him. And even when he does make plans, there's about a 50% probability that he won't show up. This is something we need to discuss and work on, but again, I just don't want to be involved with him right now. I need a little distance to get my balance back.

Counselling might give you a real boost. As much as anything else as a means to get some you time for what you feel.

I see a counselor once a week and so do they. Going on a year now. I did mention this morning that this subject is one we should discuss with her this week. Sometimes, I feel like once a week isn't enough. Sometimes, once a day wouldn't be enough. LOL

(oh yeah..mine would call me after we broke up to tell me "I'm horny"..I was like WTF?? as if!!)

Thanks Minx. I have been telling him for so long that the good parts of a relationship come along with all the other parts. (responsibility, etc.) And he thinks that now the relationship is over, he can still get the percs. If it wasn't so painful, it would be funny.

I'm not blaming myself for his drinking or his inability to commit. I am questioning what is up with me. How could I have spent 20 years on this?

L

[Chicago Patty]

Originally Posted by LaTeeDa

Well, I think I may have the opposite problem here. The thing that prompted my uneasiness was that they called Sunday morning and invited their dad to come watch the Super Bowl with us. I told them that was fine, but next time please ask me first. This prompted from them "why can't you guys still be friends?" I said we can and will, but I need some time and distance to sort all this out. I don't want to lay all my confusion on them and I certainly don't want to say anything that will cause them to think badly of him. I just don't want to be around him right now.


That would be great, but as I've mentioned before, he sucks and making future plans. I've hardly known him to plan further ahead than next week in the twenty years I've known him. And even when he does make plans, there's about a 50% probability that he won't show up. This is something we need to discuss and work on, but again, I just don't want to be involved with him right now. I need a little distance to get my balance back.



I see a counselor once a week and so do they. Going on a year now. I did mention this morning that this subject is one we should discuss with her this week. Sometimes, I feel like once a week isn't enough. Sometimes, once a day wouldn't be enough. LOL



Thanks Minx. I have been telling him for so long that the good parts of a relationship come along with all the other parts. (responsibility, etc.) And he thinks that now the relationship is over, he can still get the percs. If it wasn't so painful, it would be funny.

I'm not blaming myself for his drinking or his inability to commit. I am questioning what is up with me. How could I have spent 20 years on this?
L

I wanted to say more on this but your last sentence stood out at me this very
moment....I think when we have a family, we are busy raising our kids and
getting on with the business of everyday that the time seems to fly by
sometimes things are unnoticed for the time....even for 20 years.

[Little Missy]

((LTD))

[Chy]

Okay finished reading and LTD my heart is breaking for you.. I know where you're at, we love ya kid... you got us. When ready talk with the kids, they're knowing and confused to. *hugs*

[Minnie]

(((LTD)))

What a pi$$er. I would have hoped he could have been a little more tactful in the way he handled that, but it is what it is. And don't even get me started on the sex or drinking things - I think you know what I'd say about those.

I have no real clue about the kids thing, except that I know that a united front as far as parenting is important. Has he suggested how this is played?

Hon, it's funny you should mention spending all this time on him/the relationship. I feel like that so much of the time!!! Sometimes I feel like I've been running along the same groove for the past 16 years with only the faces changing. Well, heck, that's exactly what HAS happened. At least you've got 2 beautiful kiddies to show for it - I just have a whiney cat and some memories. All I know is that I have to keep applying the lessons that my past has taught me and my future will be better.

I wish we could all go away for a weekend and ...........I don't know what, actually. I just have a feeling it would do some good.

[equus]

L - I'm so sorry, my post just came from wanting to help. It doesn't really surprise me it's all stuff you do anyway and I can see how having the opposite problem is bloody hard.

I wish there really waas something I could say to help but the reality is I can't imagine what you're going through so all I can really offer is good wishes.

[LaTeeDa]

Thanks all. I know it will get better in time. I don't expect answers. It is really nice to know that you all care and listen. ((((all))))

L

[CAPTAINZING]

I'm so sorry

wish you all the best no matter how this ends!!

You deserve better

[Sarah]

I dont have anything constructive to add beyond whats been said allready.
But, Im listening

[Jazzman]

Oops, sorry I'm late on this....

I fought like hell to keep my 1st marriage together, in retrospect mostly for the sake of the kids. It was frustrating to say the least to feel as though I was the only one willing to fight to save the marriage, but it is what it is.

I found that keeping the kids emotional health the priority was the key. They really did turn out OK in spite of their parents divorce, (and my fears about how they would be affected by it).

After I worked through all my feelings I realized it turned out to be the best thing for ME....to get divorced that is. It sucks going through it but there is a life at the other end.

The one absolute that I always keep in mind, the kids will always want to see Mom & Dad get back together. It kept me conscious of the signals I was sending them.

[LaTeeDa]

Originally Posted by Jazzman

The one absolute that I always keep in mind, the kids will always want to see Mom & Dad get back together. It kept me conscious of the signals I was sending them.

Good point. And another reason not to have sex with him. (as if I needed one, ha!)

Thanks Jazz. And thanks Sarah, for listening.

L