Relationship Tips by Jodi Blackley

[Chy]

Relationship Tip of the Week 2/22/08
Give Intimacy to Get It

Do you wait for your partner to do something nice for you before you return the favor? Are you feeling like your partner isn't doing their part to make you feel loved? Well, here's a question for you...what are you doing to make your partner feel loved?

Many people wait and wait for their partner to make the "first move" and then become disappointed when their partner doesn't respond. It's time to take control of the closeness in your relationship! If you provide love, then you have a higher chance of receiving love in return. Don't wait around and then become resentful of yourself for waiting...that only hurts you in the end.

<!-- 2323,5151,1515 -->©2007 Jodi Blackley, M.S., M.F.T. Tips of the Week
http://www.jodiblackley.com

Relationship Tip of the Week - 2/29/08
Limiting Yourself

Do you or your partner respond to each other with "Yeah....But...."? What are you truly saying when those words leave your lips?

Responses that start with "Yeah..." mean "I agree with you..." or "I understand what you're saying." Follow it up with a "But" now relays the message of "Forget everything I just said and listen to what I really mean." "Yeah...but...." is a way to discount your partner, a way to feel discounted, and a way to break down healthy communication. If you disagree with your partner. It's stronger if you let them know "I honestly hear what you are saying." Reflect that message back to your partner. Then you can follow up with, "I want to let you know how I see it..." and follow up from there. It's a more respectful way to communicate and can help keep lines of communication open.

<!-- 2323,5151,1515 -->©2008 Jodi Blackley, M.S., M.F.T. Tips of the Week
http://www.jodiblackley.com

[Chy]

Relationship Tip of the Week - 3/28/08
Are you a good communicator?

I had a couple this week, who told me, "We're great at communicating," yet, they sit in my office week after week arguing with each other. Why? Because they're great at speaking their minds and getting defensive, but they aren't great at communicating.

Communicating requires certain components:

A willingness to listen to your partner even if you disagree with their points.
The ability to acknowledge their feelings, as a result of their points.
To take the opportunity of responding without being defensive, so your partner, in turn, can acknowledge your feelings and points without defensiveness.

So ask yourself...are you a good communicator? Or are you good at getting defensive?

<!-- 2323,5151,1515 -->©2008 Jodi Blackley, M.S., M.F.T. Tips of the Week
http://www.jodiblackley.com

[Chy]

Relationship Tip of the Week - 4/4/08
Don't Wait Until It's Too Late

Statistically, couples counseling doesn't have huge success rates. Why is that?

Because couples on average struggle with problems on their own for at least 6 years before they seek help. That struggle looks like arguments until total breakdown, or sweeping it "under the rug," never to be discussed. As a result, nothing is really ever resolved. A couple comes to counseling. They usually are looking to the therapist for a type of salvation: "Help us or the marriage is over." Either the couple is mentally 1/2 way to divorce court or they really want to try, but are too exhausted to invest the effort.

So, what can you do? Don't wait. If there are struggles that are preventing the 2 of you from connecting...from communicating...from achieving the relationship you want, then get help NOW! Whether it be your church, a marriage seminar, or a counselor, don't wait 6 years thinking the problem will get better on it's own. Problems don't just go away. They either get buried or resolved. Which do you think will make your relationship last?

<!-- 2323,5151,1515 -->©2007 Jodi Blackley, M.S., M.F.T. Tips of the Week
http://www.jodiblackley.com

[Chy]

Relationship Tip of the Week - 4/25/08
Waiting Until it's Too Late

I had an interesting experience this week. I had a couple who set an appointment with me back in January, but decided not to attend. I had never heard from them again. I get a call at 11:29 PM wanting me to fit them in before the end of the week! So what happened? Was time a factor? Was the cost? Or was it just not being ready to enter therapy, face the issues and really commit to making the necessary changes?

This is a common scenario. I can appreciate money being a factor, but if you're spending money on eating-out, movies and Starbucks, then you might want to reconsider your priorities. As simplified as this might sound, what is more important to you: your relationship or that latte and muffin? Waiting until your relationship is in crisis and trying to contact a therapist at 11:30 PM isn't going to relieve the problem. If you notice struggles early enough, you want to work through them while you're still enjoying your partner. Don't wait until you are at a point of "Why bother?" or "Therapy is the last straw."

<!-- 2323,5151,1515 -->©2007 Jodi Blackley, M.S., M.F.T. Tips of the Week
http://www.jodiblackley.com

[Chy]

Relationship Tip of the Week - 4/30/08
Open Up!

No, you're not hallucinating! I'm sending out this tip a couple of days early as I'm off to a conference for Marriage & Family Therapists.

Today, I watched a couple have a productive argument in my office. What made it productive? She had been holding onto her pain for 10 months. She couldn't express it to her husband and as a result, resentment has developed, and they feel disconnected. Today, she made her feelings known...she spoke and cried. He sat and listened...he didn't get defensive, he didn't try to cut her off. He just listened. She got it off her chest and he was able to hear it. As a result, they made a connection for the first time in a long time.

So, if you haven't opened up to your partner, what do you think is happening to your relationship? How can it possibly get better when feelings are being held back?

<!-- 2322,5150,1514 -->©2008 Jodi Blackley, M.S., M.F.T. Tips of the Week
http://www.jodiblackley.com

[Chy]

Relationship Tip of the Week - 5/9/08Taking Care of Yourself

Even though these tips discuss ways to improve your relationship, I learned an important lesson in self-care as well. We are only good to others when we are kind to ourselves. You cannot be a good mother, wife, or friend if you you are not able to tend to your own needs. Take a personal inventory. Are you really happy? If not, what can you do personally to change that? As much as we want to depend on others for our own contentment, the reality of the matter is that we cannot expect any one specific person to meet all of our needs. If you're looking to your partner to be the end-all to your feelings, it's time to re-examine what YOU can do to make yourself happy. In turn, your relationship will be better for it!


©2008 Jodi Blackley, M.S., M.F.T. Tips of the Week
http://www.jodiblackley.com

[Chy]

Relationship Tip of the Week - 5/23/08Be True to Yourself -- And Your Relationship

Relationships are full of compromise. You take 2 people with different backgrounds, experiences, and influences and merge them into one, there are bound to be some bumps in the road. While it IS important to broach these bumps with openness and honesty, you may find you need to take a step back and evaluate how big the bumps are to you. If you aren't honest with yourself, you can find yourself becoming resentful that you are compromising too much. Ignore it, and you find that bump getting bigger and bigger each time the problem arises.

So what can you do? Take notice of the bumps in the road. Make sure you acknowledge it with yourself and your partner. Be honest with yourself. Be honest with your partner. Look at what that bump really represents to the both of you so you can both take strides to work through it. By maintaining a level of "trueness" to yourself, you can be happier, which in turn helps your relationship.

[Chy]

Relationship Tip of the Week - 5/30/08Have Fun!!

Sometimes tension can overtake a relationship. When things get too tense, you may want to take a break from the tense issues. Focus on something fun to provide you and your partner an opportunity to reconnect on a positive level. Tense issues aren't always going to be resolved immediately or over one conversation. Don't try to force a result as it may not end up being the best result for the two of you. Take a step back, reconnect in a positive manner and return to the issue at a later time. That renewed connection may be just what you need to deal with the issue appropriately...and help you resolve that issue in a manner suited for the two of you.

©2008 Jodi Blackley, M.S., M.F.T. Tips of the Week

[Chy]

Relationship Tip of the Week - 6/6/08You Make Your Own Destiny

Sometimes in relationships we believe we are powerless to influence any outcomes. You may believe that you have to completely compromise who you are and what you stand for in order to maintain the peace in a relationship. As a result, your partner may believe you are happy, when in fact you sell yourself and your partner short. You don't have power over what your partner does, says or believes, but you have the power to speak up and remain true to who you are. After all, did your partner fall in love with who you are when they met you? Or who you believe you had to become to maintain the relationship?

©2008 Jodi Blackley, M.S., M.F.T. Tips of the Week

[Chy]

Relationship Tip of the Week - 8/8/08Appreciate the Growth

Sometimes I see couples who feel futile about their relationship and wonder if there ever will be progress. Suddenly, the same couple will come into my office after weeks of hopeless feelings showing remarkable growth. Have you ever experienced such a positive surge in your relationship?

It's during these times that it's important to recognize the positive changes that have occurred. Appreciate those changes...in yourself...in your partner. Notice what contributed to those changes so you can capitalize on them and continue to work together in a positive way. Don't discount the changes, even if they are small, as small changes have been known to spark larger, & even more, positive changes.

It's a great way to notice when you work together...as a team...as a partnership....


©2008 Jodi Blackley, M.S., M.F.T. Tips of the Week

[Chy]

Relationship Tip of the Week - 9/5/08Respect Thyself

This week, I seemed to have a running theme as I met with my clients. Many of them wanted their partners to show them more respect. While respect is an important part of a relationship, there was a larger issue brewing. These clients weren't respecting themselves. They allowed their partners to take advantage of their good natures. They succumbed to their partners' demands, even if those demands went against what the client, themselves, wanted. They even accepted the verbal abuse (name-calling, put-downs, etc.) their partners gave them.

Obviously, this isn't respect. However, if my clients aren't willing to demonstrate a level of self-respect (the unwillingness to participate in verbally abusive conversations, the continual disregard for their own needs, etc.), then why would their partner want to show respectful behaviors?

Before others can truly respect you, it is important you respect yourself, your boundaries, and what you are and aren't willing to tolerate. Make sure your partner understands what this looks like to you and then, follow your own example. Respect your own boundaries and person. The more you respect yourself, the more likely your partner will follow suit.

©2008 Jodi Blackley, M.S., M.F.T. Tips of the Week

[Chy]

Relationship Tip of the Week - 9/12/08Being Right? Or Being Happy?

You and your partner are having a disagreement. You're staunchly on one side of the issue, they're on the other. Neither of you want to budge on the issue. It becomes more important to prove your side of the issue rather than listening to your partner's. Does this sound familiar?

It's okay to agree to disagree on an issue. It's even okay if you maintain a difference of an opinion. You won't agree on everything throughout your relationship. It's not possible! It's important to be able to acknowledge the difference and respect that your partner and you are on opposite sides of the issue. It's how you communicate your differences that will help the 2 of you come to a compromise. Acknowledging your partner is not the same as agreeing with your partner. If you're able to say, "I hear your opinion & I can appreciate why you would feel [hurt, sad, angry, etc.]. I feel differently, but we can figure this out," you show your partner respect, while being able to maintain your voice. From this perspective, you can work towards a compromise that both of you can live with.

Happiness means much more to the success of a relationship than being right.


©2008 Jodi Blackley, M.S., M.F.T. Tips of the Week

[Chy]

Relationship Tip of the Week - 12/19/08Looking Towards 2009


As we come to the end of 2008, take a moment to reflect upon your relationships. Are they where you want them to be? If so, what can you do to maintain the positive attributes? If they aren't, what can you do to make positive changes? You cannot force your partner to change, so stop focusing on what they can change. Start with yourself. Look at what you might need to do that, in turn, may motivate your partner to change.


I want to thank you all for providing me feedback, ideas and suggestions throughout 2008. I wish you all the best for the holidays and for 2009! If you have questions, feedback or ideas for "Relationship Tips of the Week," please feel free to contact me!


©2008 Jodi Blackley, M.S., M.F.T. Tips of the Week

[Chy]

Relationship Tip of the Week - 2/6/09Don't Wait to Hit Rock Bottom


It has been statistically proven that couples, on average, will tolerate a rift in their relationship for at least 6 years before seeking help. It's never made sense to me why couples want to continually cause erosion to the relationship time and again, having the same argument, never to be resolved....or try to tackle the same pervasive problems, but feel lost in trying to overcome it. They wait until they get to the point of "either this changes or I'm leaving," before they really choose to make the change & seek the help they need...this is, what I call, "hitting rock bottom."


If you notice you're having the same argument over and over, or you're realizing that you're not as happy in your relationship as you'd like, please don't wait until you hit "rock bottom" before seeking help. If the problem persists, then get help as soon as you notice...like an illness, you have a better chance of recovery if you treat it sooner than later. Your happiness is worth it. Your relationship is worth it.


©2009 Jodi Blackley, M.S., M.F.T. Tips of the Week

[Chy]

Relationship Tip of the Week - 11/27/09
Stealing Your Partner's Choice

Ever have the experience where your partner makes plans but doesn't include you until the plans are set in motion? Have you ever really wanted to make a change for yourself, but fear your partner's reaction might be of resistance, so you wait until there's no way of backing out?

What you or your partner are essentially doing in situations like this is stealing your partner's choice to have input on the situation. You have just dictated your partner's course without getting their input as to how they feel about the situation. The reasons could be many: you don't want to be swayed from your decision, you don't want to get in an argument with your partner, or maybe even you're fearful your partner may leave you if they don't agree with the choice.

What potentially (and most likely) will happen is that your partner will agree to your choices, as they will feel they have no choice, only to later feel resentful towards themselves for going along with something they really didn't want to go along with, and that resentment will negatively impact the relationship. Do you really want to be in a relationship that requires you to manipulate your partner or, in turn, be manipulated?

The answer is simple: TALK with your partner about your desires to make changes that may impact them and/or the dynamics of your relationship. The discussions might not be easy, but if both of you are willing to talk to each other openly, honestly, and respectfully, then the possibility of making successful changes is much more likely.

©2009 Jodi Blackley, M.S., M.F.T. Tips of the Week

Jodi Blackley MFT 909.287.3624 | Orange County, CA - Home

[Autumn]

D2 always "steals" my choices, and makes plans for me without asking for my input, especially during the holidays. It's infuriating.

For example:

"So and so will be coming over in a few hours."
"You have to take me here, or take me there."
"You have to pick me up."
"We're going over to so and so's house, so make sure you're ready."

Then if I say "no", or even "!NO!", he makes my life a living hell until I cave.

D*ckhead.

[Autumn]

Oh, wow! I just noticed this is an ongoing thread. Hmm. Looks like a dandy.

[Chy]

Relationship Tip of the Week - 12/4/09
Integrity


When you picture someone who has integrity, what characteristics do this person have? You might think of someone who follows through on their commitments, is honest with others, is reliable, and possibly many other characteristics of this nature. There's another characteristic, which many people overlook. To have integrity means not only to be honest with others but to be honest with oneself.

If you agree to decisions or go along with situations within your relationship that you truly don't agree with in order to "keep the peace," or "not rock the boat," then how honest are you being with yourself? How much integrity are you demonstrating to yourself? To your partner? To the relationship? In the short-term, it may seem like you are "keeping the peace," but if the situation/decision begins to gnaw at your gut, then this will only foster resentment in the long run... but the resentment won't be about your partner, it'll be about the choice you made in the beginning to agree to a situation to which you (if you were honest with yourself in the first place) didn't agree with initially.

So, is it really worth maintaining silence when that silence will later result in resentment? Only you can answer this... but also ask yourself, "Is this really worth compromising my integrity?"

©2009 Jodi Blackley, M.S., M.F.T. Tips of the Week