Opinioins and advice much appreciated

[yeahme]

I met my bf while on vacation almost 6 years ago, we started long distance dating then I moved down here to be with him and start a fresh life. I'll have my Master's degree in May and he knows that I really don't like living here. It's to busy and overwhelming for this small town girl. He agreed that he too would like to move to a more normal place. I mention marriage, he changes the subject. Down here there are drugs and alcohol galore so I prefer to stay home, not to mention I have loads of school work to do. But it's really bothering me that he hasn't made any mention or moves towards us leaving the state. With the housing market the way it is I think by now he should have the condo on the market. If it sells before I graduate we could move to an apartment and save money to go towards our relocating. The marriage thing........... will probably be the demise of the relationship. Sometimes I think it's not all that important to be married, but it really is important to me! Right now, being that I'm still in school I don't want to rock the boat to much and we break up and I have no where to live. I have no friends here to turn to.

I'm just really at a loss with his actions. He avoids questions he doesn't want to answer or gives me some off the wall answer that I just have to walk away from so I don't rip his head off.

I'm to the point of just going with the flow til May and then giving him the ultimatum of marriage or breaking up and I am moving no matter what he does so he needs to start making serious effort to relocate.

Am I over reacting? Should I address the marriage thing more to find out why he avoids it? Should I ask why he isn't trying to sell the condo. May is coming up fast. Keep in mind his answers to any of the above questions have been avoidance, avoidance, avoidance.

[Chy]

The marriage thing........... will probably be the demise of the relationship. Sometimes I think it's not all that important to be married, but it really is important to me!

The key to any health relationship is communication. I think your above statement says a lot about your needs. If his attempt at communicating about future plans is avoidance then it's time you think this through and decide if this is worth pursuing. 6 years is a long time to still not be sure about plans ( on his part I mean). Some men just run in fear at the mention of marriage, but if he really loved you I'd think it be a no brainer, not to say he doesn't love you but maybe he's just uncertain as to taking this leap with you. I say keep trying to talk to him and express the importance of him sitting down with you to talk this through, tell him you are ready to listen to his feeling on the matter to better understand where his head is at with your relationship and be willing to listen to it all calmly. I don't believe in ultimatums at all and don't think you should go there but you can say that now it's time for you to move forward and pursue your goals in life and hope that he's a part of it but if not that's okay to. ..and be okay with that.

[yeahme]

I don't believe in ultimatums either. But I just feel so at my wits end with this. I wouldn't want him to do anything just because he feels like he has to. I guess ultimatums isn't really the word I'm looking for. But it really boils down to an ultimatum I think because after I graduate, he knows I want to leave and as I get my life in order to relocate and he is still doing nothing it's going to come down to - I have my life in order to move are you coming or staying? and I feel like this relationship is at a stand still and if you want to spend the rest of your life with me like you say you do then what's the problem with marriage? We've both been married before so it's not like I'm pushing for some huge ring and wedding hoopla stuff.
Trust me Chy.......... I have tried to talk to him and he just gives me answers to avoid the conversation or he says someday- when or what the hell is someday?

[ayla zaire]

yeahme, when i can't get my husband to listen to me, which is most of the time, i write it all down in a letter........he can not avoid words on a page.........and he can't argue with a letter..........so i can get all of my points across without his interruptions, losing my train of thought, etc.........i would tell him exactly what you have said to us.........be sure to tell him that you want to be with him, over and over......many people are insecure and might hear 'i need to move forward with my life' as 'i would rather not be with you'........tell him how important it is for you to be married, and why.........tell him how unhappy you are where you are........you may think you have gotten these points across, but people can have selective hearing....he may really not understand the gravity of your feelings..........

[yeahme]

Originally Posted by ayla zaire

yeahme, when i can't get my husband to listen to me, which is most of the time, i write it all down in a letter........he can not avoid words on a page.........and he can't argue with a letter..........so i can get all of my points across without his interruptions, losing my train of thought, etc.........i would tell him exactly what you have said to us.........be sure to tell him that you want to be with him, over and over......many people are insecure and might hear 'i need to move forward with my life' as 'i would rather not be with you'........tell him how important it is for you to be married, and why.........tell him how unhappy you are where you are........you may think you have gotten these points across, but people can have selective hearing....he may really not understand the gravity of your feelings..........

This is so true. I had to write him when we first started dating over some issues and he understood. Why didn't I think of that? I guess I can be confrontational when I am afraid that something bad could come of situation and usually it does turn to anger. Writing will help me get my points across without any emotional interruptions or him doing that oh so manly selective hearing.

Thank you!!!!!

[indigo]

Yep I agree with Ayla a letter is something you can't really miss the point in, of course unless he chooses too, it's still worth a try .

[Chy]

A letter is a wonderful idea!

[yeahme]

I have so much to say........ hope I have enough paper j/k trying to keep my sense of humor up

Thanks girls......... I'm going to have to wait for all my thoughts to collect and I'll just let them flow

Gotta wait til this little dude is out of my head

[indigo]

You go for it girl!

[Rocketman]

Whether by letter, phone or in person I would pin him down and get an answer one way or the other.

[yeahme]

Originally Posted by Rocketman

Whether by letter, phone or in person I would pin him down and get an answer one way or the other.

Hearing that from a man helps, not that the ladies advice isn't wonderful. But men usually have a different perspective. But you all are right!

I'm just waiting for the right time....... when my thoughts are together and I'm not so erratically (SP?) emotional.

[Rocketman]

Ya but I am old fashioned.

[yeahme]

That's the only way to be! Thanks Jeff

[yeahme]

The letter has been written. I used "I" statement so it wouldn't seem threating and just laid it out. He wants to go to the casino tonight. Just take a little cash give it a try so we can get out and do something. So tonight is not a letter night, I think it would be best for us to go out and have fun then give him the letter.
I should have named this thread: the journal of the heavy letter. LOL (trying to keep that sense of humor, it keep me sane). So I'm thinking of leaving it in his bathroom Tuesday morning. He goes straight to the shower when he gets up. Then for the next 2 days I have internship all day and school that night. Gives him the days to mull it over. Plus he could discuss it that night if he wanted or if he isn't ready I'll be tired anyway so it won't bother me if he doesn't bring it up.

Excuse the rambling from the head! Just having to sike/psych myself up for this and try to remain positive and prepared for whatever he says

[indigo]

Enjoy tonight and good for you for coming to a decision you can feel good with.

Yes Jeff is great isn't he? he's just too modest about his light.

[Blossom]

Oh dear, I think that this man is not the man for you. There is nothing wrong with pushing the issue. Everyone would rather know what's going on and what you want out of the relationship. If you are struggling before even living together then, it will not be better. Good vibes and all that.


xxxxxxx

[Liss]

Hey Sweetie!!!!!

Im with Jeff and Indi and Ayla and Chy here!!!! Just from personal experience(and I am known for my B!TCH attitude sometimes!!Imagine THAT!!LOL) But ultimatimums (wayyyy misspelled, sorry) they just SUCK....However, a letter given with a couple days of thinking time is AWESOME!!! You dont want to push but yet at the same time, you DO need to let your honey know where you stand, it is only fair to BOTH of you!!! I am praying for your both and hope that all goes FreAkIn FaNtaStic!!!!! for you both!!! Your a very great gal!!! BTW....CONGRATS on the up and coming Masters!!!! Let us know how things go!!!!

Liss

[yeahme]

We went to the casino and had dinner last night. Had a really good time, we always do when we are together. I think he is the man for me, I've never been so able to be myself around anyone. I think it's just that most men (not all men) aren't really into discussing emotions etc. They don't like the deep conversations etc. I'm not much into that deep stuff either but it's come down to it. I have the letter folded setting on top of the computer tower with some other stuff and noticed it had been moved a bit so I wonder if he's already read it???? He'd never say anything if he did read it. But I hope he did so he can mull it over, then when he actually gets the letter he will know I'm serious and hopefully will realize I was waiting on the right time to give it to him.

Please keep positive vibes and prayers going for this to all work out. He really is a great guy, never has he raised his voice or hand at me. He's easy going and really I believe he's my soul mate. We just have to have a conversation to make sure we are on the same page. I have class tonight so maybe I'll put it on his pillow or something before I head off to class???????

[indigo]

Those positive vibes are still zooming their way to you, I do hope something good comes out of it for you, you deserve it.

hugs indie

[yeahme]

The positive vibes came through. When I got home from class he just started talking. He told me his fears of moving but he did want to and had been planning all sorts of stuff in his head, saving money, etc. As for marriage he is waiting til I graduate and we discussed the fears of that, since he was previously married to someone that turned into a totally different person than he met in the beginning.

All in all it was a good talk. I feel much better about things and agree that nothing needs to happen until I graduate so I can put all my energy and focus on my studies. Whew! I am so relieved. He even said I'm a man and you have to break things down to me so I understand how you feel cause I know what's important to you but you have to tell me just how important and that you need to talk about things. While I just have everything in motion in my head. I was surprised to hear that admission, so all is well. Thank you so much for the positive words! I'll keep you posted as we go. But things are just going to be as they are until May, which is fine I just had to know what he was thinking and feeling about us and our future.