Step One

[c'est la vie]

When I have had time away from alcohol, and with all my knowledge (to drink for me is to die.) of that fact, I still went out and drank. At my very best, there are blank spots, and I commit the most insane act totally sober - to pick up again. This happened over and over again.

I felt cornered, I will drink again- my mind will get me there. I cannot control this fact.

THIS is the power alcohol has on my body. It's not just when the alcohol is IN my body, as some people like to interject into the phrasing of this step.

In the 12x12 the following phrases are used that I can completely relate to:

"warped our minds into such an obsession of destructive drinking"
"we were the victims of a mental obsession"
"compulsion"
"we were smitten by an insane urge"
"merciless obsession"

In all the times I've read this step - and even thought I took the step last year! - I never realized how many times it refers to the malady of the mind. My mind is totally warped with an obsession for alcohol.

And the best thing I finally noticed in this step is the description after the multiple experiences of the man trying to control his drinking because he thought he was not desperate enough to "swallow and digest this unpalatable truth".
It says, "After a few such experiences, often years before the onset of extreme difficulties, he would return to us convinced. He had hit bottom as surely as the rest of us."

After looking back at my drinking history, including the 2 years when I was trying to embrace recovery, I can so very clearly see the path heading in the same direction of every person who is further down the scale. I don't need to lose everything to finally become "convinced". I now comprehend "hitting bottom" as simply a state of mind when you finally accept your lot and you stop fighting.

If I loosen up the spiritual fitness, I know my mind will get me back to drinking again. I can keep going down the scale. I have a lot more to lose and much further to fall. I can find a lower bottom, but I don't need to.