Step One

[laurie6781]

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol -- that our lives had become unmanageable.

Step one is now open for discussion, lol.

Have at it gang.

Love and (((((to all))))),

[Chance]

Originally Posted by laurie6781

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol -- that our lives had become unmanageable.

Step one is now open for discussion, lol.

Have at it gang.

Love and (((((to all))))),

Ok this is where I should probably shut up, cause I don't know if I know crap but (there is that but) I would like to see what you all thing.

This last time out, I knew that if I didn't start doing things different that I was going to either go to Jail, Institutions, or death. I am not really afraid to die and yet that might be a lie. I do know however that I don't like Jails, and I have never been institutionalized except in jail for at the most 12 days. Yep found go there and after I got out went right back to the dope.

So what happened this last time? I was so ashamed at the person that I turned out to be or maybe it is the person that I have been all my life. I don't want to be that person again. There was a time in my life that my word meant everything, people could count on my word, everyone knew it. Today or should I say over two weeks ago even months ago, my word didn't mean crap. I turned into a person that I didn't like to see. I knew that if I kept on the path, that I would keep getting the same results, and I am tired of it.

So now what am I doing different than before? I am taking suggestions as they come, both by my sponsor, counselor. I do what I am told even if I don't like it. It really doesn't matter what I like, I know that in order for me to stay clean I have to trust in someone Else's suggestions. Mine have kept me high for months, and if I don't want to get high, I need to do what someone else suggest. I believe that once I stopped digging, I stopped doing things MY WAY (which obviously don't work) and started taking the suggestions and applying them to my everyday life, that is when I have surrendered. I sure in the hell hope that I am not trying to just talk a program today, I hope that I am living a program today. Doing the right things for the right reasons.

OK I am willing to listen to all responses, I am probably way off base anyway.

Love Vic

[Dan]

I remember at first, to make the words of the step even simpler to my addict mind, it was suggested to me I repeat it to myself in the mornings using the present rather than past tense.
I admit I am powerless over alcohol_that my life is unmanageable.
When I drink.

I've proven that longtimer right everytime I tried drinking again.

[Sugah]

I went to sleep thinking about this step.

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable."

I've often heard that this is the only step we have to do perfectly. It begins, "We admitted". It's the step that binds us together. Though we're often cautioned not to "take someone else's inventory," we constantly remind each other that "we are powerless over alcohol." To forget it is to drink, and to drink is to die.

I got the first part of this step a long, long time ago. I knew I was powerless over alcohol. I knew that when I picked up one, then two, three, ten would follow. That was a no-brainer for me. I tried everything, and I couldn't change that one basic fact. I could not stop. I was powerless to stop, once I started.

The second part, the admission of unmanageability, was not so quick in coming. I tried everything to manage my drinking, manage my alcoholism.

I switched from beer to vodka to tequilla and back again. I substituted cocaine for booze, as I convinced myself I could think more clearly, not black out, 'control' myself, then I switched from cocaine to pot, because pot was cheaper, then pot to pills, because, after all, my pill use was legitimate. Pills then required booze to kick them in, as they didn't work alone anymore. In the end, I admitted I could control no substance or substitute.

After all, our problems were of our own making. Bottles were only a symbol.
~Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 103

My husband says in his lead, when he talks about the first step, that it took him awhile to realize it said "our lives had become unmanageable" rather than "our drinking had become unmanageable." It was like that for me. I did not give up, did not admit defeat until I could admit that my life, so long as it contained drinking and any suitable substitute, was unmanageable.

And I took that step before I got sober. I had to. If there was any inkling that I could still control the situation, be it a change in venue or a change in product, I would have kept going. I finally came to the end and realized, on a cold, dreary October morning, sick and alone, that there was nothing I could do that would make my situation any better, however temporary, except stop. I remember the counselors pounding it into us in rehab that if, after 28 days, we had a vague understanding of the first step, we might have a chance. I knew it before I rolled through their doors. For me, it was a necessity that I understand, or I was doomed. My darkest moment most definitely preceeded the dawn.

So...the first step perfectly? Yes, oh, my yes. The moment I think that I can have "just one," that I can do this alone, without the "we" that has helped me recover, without the loving guidance of my HP, on my will alone, I'm a dead woman...if not physically, then spiritually, and for me, there's really very little difference.

Thank you for the topic.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[Maxine]

Many times before getting sober I admitted to myself that I was an alcoholic. The next thought was, "Well what are you going to do about it?" I couldn't answer that question. I knew it meant no more alcohol, ever, and that thought terrified me.

When I told friends and family that I was in AA, of few of them tried to tell me I wasn't an alcoholic. One friend said to me, "You're not a real alcoholic, more like a pseudo alcoholic." HUH? I hid my drinking pretty well, except from those closest to me.

That was a very confusing time for me. I felt safe in AA, I felt as if I belonged, but I didn't want to be there, drinking their coffee and eating their cookies if I didn't belong there. Thank God, I waited it out; My HP gave me my answer a few weeks later when a blood test came back with "ALCOHOLIC" written all over it.

Nice thread Laurie I'm part of a step study group at present; you're helping me get my homework done.

[Chy]

I knew I was powerless over alcohol. I used to say in jest "Oh I'm powerless over Bud"... and I was. I loved to drink, it was my out, my escape, my "fun". Started that way 25 years ago anyway. I was powerless for sure as towards the end it was all I could think about either planning the drink or planning the hangover. Nothing was more of a priority. I couldn't imagine functioning any other way, ever. The tough part was realizing I couldn't function very well anymore. I was emotionally numb. Naturally, like most I used every excuse as to why I drank, never my fault for in my mind it was my only vise, I wasn't in the bars, I was always at home, I took care of my house, I went to work, but that all became increasingly difficult. Real difficult and I was still in denial it was all a result of my drinking. It was hubby's fault, the kids fault..and somewhere it became everyone elses fault rather then having fun.

My husband left me, my kids couldn't depend on me most days after a drunken night of promises, I had no friends, I was alone in my head and alone in this world as I didn't think anyone was like me. I figured it was genetic as it does run in my family, I was going to die young to so go ahead Lord, take me I'm yours was my attitude...but I didn't want to leave. I lied to my doctor all the time and that poor guy I had for 20 years didn't have a clue as to why my health was so deteriorating. I wanted to drink and hated everything abut my life.

One day in another hangover I was online looking for that chart that tells you if you may or may not have a problem with alcohol, well hell that didn't work because I couldnt' answer it honestly.

What I did find was online recovery communities... I was so relieved to see I wasn't alone after all. I saw the success stories, the courageous people that had experianced and lost way more then I could even imagine. I know I was close to. I probably could have skated by another 5-6 years and either completly have lost my marriage, my work or my heart would have exploded. Somewhere I decided I wanted to live. I wanted to be a good mom, I wanted to know how it felt to have a healthy marriage again, I wanted to know what life would be like without hangovers every other day. I found my courage and quit.

I am still powerless over alcohol as even a few 24 hours later I'll be skating along and just wonder "can I have just one"...but HP comes along right away and puts a story in front of me where someone went out to test the waters and came back to say it's no different. I never would want just one, I know that, then I know I'd figure well I already blew it so let's just party it out until I'm sick and tired again....and there is no telling how long that would be. If there is a next time for me I would slither away out of life again, I'd pack my stuff and just go to where I could exist without feeling ashamed and without looking at the disappointment of my family. I don't think I'm one who would make it back. I don't do do over's well.

I know I made the right decision. I'm okay accepting I am powerless still today over alcohol, but I am even more accepting and grateful my life is no longer unmanageable.

[windydakota]

No question that this alcoholic is powerless over alcohol. I was sober 10 months when I thought, "come on, how can you truly say you've licked something when you have to abstain?". That bad idea ran around my brain like a hamster on a wheel until a work function brought me the perfect excuse to drink. Well? I'm powerless. Powerless. As Dan said in the moment: I admit I am powerless over alcohol_that my life is unmanageable...when I drink.

And what of the word 'powerless'? Maybe it's my ego looking for an escape hatch on that sinking alcoholic ship but- am I crazy?- maybe admitting that lack of power really makes me stronger (careful pride!). I feel stronger prying the alcoholic rock from my back and pointing to it...admitting the self-imposed burden. And yes- like Sugah said, the WE makes me feel stronger. The WE lends me strength when I feel the powerlessness of my alcoholism.

I'm grateful for Step One. I'm grateful for this group of people. I'm grateful for your stories, your insights and your fellowship.

[namommy]

Simple.

Honestly admit, open-mindedly accept, and become willing to surrender.

What is, is: What isn't isn't: and I can't do a damn thing about it.

[Music]

Let's face it. Everyone is powerless over alcohol. Anyone who drinks enough will get drunk, stupid, and end up doing something stupid, or feeling bad. Difference is "most" people will never drink that much again. Most people learn after the first time. I didn't! I kept drinking a lot, doing stupid stuff and feeling bad thinking I could master the art of consuming alcohol. I'm powerless over alcohol because I don't have what it takes to stop before it's too late. Tried time after time and never could do it.

Unmanagable?? On the day I got sober, I realized my life was in a shambles. I was morally, emtionally, financially, and spiritually broken. When I say "spiritually" I'm not talking about any kind of God either. My human spirit was broken. I was ready to do anything to get out of the situation I was in. I was able to see that who I was, where I was and what I'd become, centered around the compulsion to drink alcohol.

That's as simple as I can put it. Chapter 3 in the Big Book, "More About Alcoholism" focuses on Step 1.

[laurie6781]

Ok this was up for a week, I think we'll make it a sticky now, so it stays up front and can be an ongoing discussion of this step.

I believe I will try that with each of the step discussions as we go through them.

Love all you guys and gals.

Love and (((((to all))))),

[crs3]

Step one is something I have to do every day. Not just a one time thing. Although I guess all the steps are like that for some. I know they are for me.
For a long time I used step one as an excuse to use.
I'd think, Ok Im powerless. So that means it's ok to do it. I mean, since I have no control, no one can fault me for it. lol, what twisted thinking.
But at the end it was not too difficult for me to say I was powerless and my life had become unmanagable. 7 stays in the psych wards in less than a year.
I'd stop for a bit, but as soon as I started up again, sure enough 1-2 months later I was always on a Mandatory 14 day hold with no garantee of release from the local luney bin.
But after I quite for 6 months things changed. I thought I learned how to make it managable. I noticed I could drink for 3-4 days before I started having withdrawals and then I would stop. Let my body calm down then do it again for 3 days, and stop. This went on and on till I finally realized this was not being able to manage life. I was able to keep control over my addiction but I know thats a time bomb just waiting to explode. If I go over three days, it's all over. Is that a normal persons behaviour? I finally asked myself.
Hell no. And I have to remind myself every day what it was like living constantly in withdrawal and in psych wards.

Bob

[purrdy]

For me this was the hardest step, but my sponsor then helped me to sew this one into my soul....

the word 'powerless' filled me with utter dread!..ME?..powerlesss...we had debate after debate, it took about 3 months in all to work on this one..until one day she siad ..exasperated...KENNY!..you are powerless over alcohol!...

Hmmmm...Duh!

since then i have found that step one applies to many other aspects of my life too...but that day there was a breakthrough!!!!...By jove i think she got it!


its a step i consider daily....I am an alkie, im powerless over what alcohol does to me...and when i drink?...my life becomes unmanagable!


and they said keep it simple!....lol....

[jpeace]

I think the hardest part of accepting this one for me was the feeling that I wasn't "normal" like those of my friends who could drink socially and not have to depend on it. That I was a freak, someone who could never live in the normal adult world, where alcohol is part of the social scene, and part of the foodie world I live in. I'm a chef school dropout who will eventually go back someday and get back into the gourmet world. For me, some of my drinking really was about the esthetics: food paired with the right wine, cooking with wine, and trying the latest microbreweries. I rarely drank Bud, Coors Light or any of that cheesy beer. I liked the fancy stuff for the taste. Granted, there were plenty of other times when it was all about self-medication, but some of it was the whole dining experience, and it was heartbreaking when I finally admitted I was an alcoholic and knew I had to give all that up.

That kinda hit home again the other week when my boss and I had that heart to heart about AA and how he feels it's a bummer that some AA'ers will tell you that you can't hang out at all with anyone who drinks. I know we talked about this on another thread so I'll not repeat the whole conversation, but it's very hard for me sometimes in that respect. It's not hard remembering how shi*ty I used to feel afterwards or how many times my liver enzyme tests came back elevated and how sick I was at one point though. That helps keep me balanced now that it's been almost a year since I had a drink.

[Dan]

We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were
alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery.

Page 30 in the book.

[c'est la vie]

I'm just starting the steps so I hope you don't mind me opening Step 1 again.

I came to AA in January because my life was heading for disaster. I was drinking daily (drunk most days before the kids came home from school) and everything revolved around drinking. It was my first thought in the morning (when I woke up with a headache promising myself I will stop doing this) and my last thought at night (when I fell into bed saying why, oh why did I do it again). I accepted the "unmanageable" part of step 1 very quickly, especially after I unloaded my head onto paper and could see in black and white what was happening.

I just couldn't accept powerlessness. I couldn't get honest with myself about my deepest desires for drinking. I had to keep trying to control it (my sponsor even used the words, "why don't you try some controlled drinking"). After about 6 months of torture, this experiment taught me a lot about myself. Alcohol DID have power over me - even when I wasn't actually drinking. The thought of alcohol constantly permeated my brain. I hated myself. I just wanted to have "just a little" so f*k*n desperately. I was sunk. I couldn't stop the painful obsession.

Now I'm back at AA working with a sponsor and I just finished a timeline showing the progression of my drinking and of my obsession. I can see where it's headed and I'm trying to be as honest as possible with myself about my problem. I'm trying to be open-minded and willing to listen to suggestions.

thank you for letting me share

[laurie6781]

Way To Go!!!!!

I am so happy for you. Each of us comes to the 'acceptance of powerlessness' over alcohol in our own time. Yes, it is an extremely hard concept to grasp, especially for those of us in denial, rofl. I am so glad you sponsor had you do the "timeline" showing the progression, that little tool usually has the ability to open up ones eyes.

Then there was the second part of that dang step, my life was unmanageable.......not mine, lol yeah right, I was living in my junky alkie car that only ran sometimes, at the far back end of the Hollywood Bowl Park Parking Lot, but my life was not unmanageable. It soon became clear that my live was unmanageable when I was using my D O C's.

So I would read that step like this in my head: "I admitted I was powerless over alcohol and my life is unmanageable when I drink." Worked for me, saying it over and over and looking, really looking at the 'timeline' I was able to accept to the very core of my being that yes indeed I was powerless over alcohol.

And you know the greatest thing about that? When I finally accepted my powerlessness, I felt Powerfull. Go figure. It was like OK I am for sure powerless, but now that I have accepted that look at all these tools available to me........wow and that gave me POWER.

I have been following your journey and reading your postings and watching you grow and struggle, I am so happy you have found the Road To Recovery that seems to now be helping you!!!!!!!!!!

Please continue to let us know how you are doing, we do care.

Love and hugs,

[c'est la vie]

Whew! The first step is a doozy!!

So is this what they mean by powerful? I convinced myself that I'm not an alcoholic because of this, that, and another reason and went back to drinking because if feels more comfortable than being sober. Or is it that completely insane rationalization that drinking during the week while I'm alone helps me moderate in public since it helps eliminate the craving. Or perhaps it's having vodka at 10am because it's there and who the heck will know anyway.

I feel like I can understand the powerlessness of the mind more than the physical powerlessness. I was getting to a point once again where I would rather drink than go out and live my life, so I suppose that's the alcohol weilding it's power over me.

[BrandiK]

I have such a struggle with this step. It depends on the day and my mood ...

I suppose my problem ends with the fact that I can so easily talk myself out of this step. You worded examples of it so well C'est, I swear to god those were my exact same thoughts! "What the F! Why not!" was my most common reason for drinking.

But I forget it all so easily.

I have so many masks and faces, I know how to manipulate to a Tee, I know just what to say and how to say it and how to play the game. I know so many of you out there can relate to this - so help with this next part, k?

I am doing what I am told and working a program. Though I think I have to admit I am not working it as hard as I could be, and need to talk to my sponsor about. Maybe that's what I need to be doing more. Anyway, I am doing what I am told, I am going to meetings, I am reading, I am journaling, I am speaking at meetings, and learning how to ask for help. But inside, I still feel like this is another game, another part I have picked up and am playing. I think, if my understanding is correct, that moving through the steps will bring about that awarness, of who I am, and maybe the world won't be a big play anymore but something I can interact in, maybe I could learn how to be genuine.

Ok ... so if that's the case, I start here. See the road block? Am I talking myself in circles? My sponsor says there is moment where it will hit in my gut, a deep reality. I know I am an alcoholic, and that I can not drink. I know it. But how do I get to a point where I 'know' it?

[BrandiK]

In re-reading this, I was hit with a reminder. I can not recall if it is in the BB or if I heard it in a meeting, or maybe in Living Sober ... maybe Drinking, a Love Story? - something about how alcoholics like to compartmentalize. How we have so many double and triple lives.

Just a thought that popped up, I probably went off topic there.

[Sugerspun]

Step one was a very powerful experience for myself. I think what made it that way was using the wordsower, control and choice synonymously. Here I took a look at my drinking
1- When I have alcohol in my body, is there a point where I crave more alcohol? (book states that - "this NEVER occurs in the normal temperate drinker")
2- When I have had time away from alcohol, and with all my knowledge (to drink for me is to die.) of that fact, I still went out and drank. At my very best, there are blank spots, and I commit the most insane act totally sober - to pick up again. This happened over and over again.
3- Sober, my life was still unmanageable, I was irritable, unhappy, miserable on the inside.

Step one is knowledge of your condition and the experience of total defeat, there is no longer choice, control, power in regard to alcohol.

I felt cornered, I will drink again- my mind will get me there. I cannot control this fact. I have no control,choice or power over alcohol (is my master)

So where does one go from this feeling, this experience of hoplessnesss (Are you as hopeless as Bill? He fully conceded that he would drink himself to death(and from his story - started to do just that).

but...there is a solution.