Not Today

[bubblegum]

Ok... I am not going to drink or use today.

I don't know what I'm doing to myself. I just seem to not care anymore. Drank and took pills Sunday night and Monday Night. Yesterday drank from about 11am till I went to bed. Then I wonder why I have a fussy baby all night?

I need a plan. I need to stop. I'm going down that slippery slope and getting closer and closer to giving in completely. In my head if I drink its not as bad as using. I don't really know how much denial or rationalization there really is in that statement. None of it is good.

I just met a friend for lunch, the same one I bailed out a couple weeks ago, she drank through lunch and I kept to my iced tea. I thought I got out unscathed. Then on the drive home she calls and says we need another day to just go get high all day. And here I am romanticizing about that again.

The truth is I just HATE how I feel right now when I'm not drinking or using. But I hate myself for doing it. So I guess I don't know what the solution is. How do I make myself feel better without drinking?

It sucks when you feel like you know what you should do, you feel like you have the tools, but its just not enough.

So today, the plan is to just not drink or use. Seems simple enough, so why doesn't it feel so easy. I've got the ball rolling now, so how to I get off. Why can't I figure this out.