Que Sera, Sera

[afrita]

BBG, so glad you decided against using! Here is a question: did you tell your sponsor about this? If not . . . something to think about!

Stay strong, Mrs. Married!

afrita

[laurie6781]

What happened does happen. I can tell you they get further and further apart as you get further and further into recovery. You did do the next 'right' thing. You got through it. Now the only thing you have left to do is BLOCK that number from ringing your phone, and if you don't know how to do that..................................get the instruction book out, roflmao.

As to Tessa banging, oh yes she was having a good time when we talked, lol I love hearing that. Hope she didn't get too messy from the piece of frozen banana, but I'm glad she liked it and it helped her aching gums!!!!!!

Yes, you are correct, at first we don't know how to handle things when everything is going smoothly and no chaos going on. Just don't know how to deal with serenity and good feelings. That too gets easier and easier!!!!

You will remember today for a LONG time and you will remember how you got past it. If and when that urge comes again, you will call Sponsor first, won't you? lol

Maybe another meeting tonight would be a good idea?!!!!!!!!

Love and hugs,

[bubblegum]

I did talk to my sponsor about what was going on. And I talked about it at a meeting. And with laurie and teje and tamtam I KNOW I have a LONG list of numbers I could have called besides him, and that I chose the wrong person to call when I was feeling like that. Hopefully the next time I am feeling like that I will choose a better person to call.

[afrita]

BBG, that is so awesome! I hope you are proud of you!

afrita

[Teje]

Tejer'ism #3:

There is a time for doing.....and a time for doing nothing. Don't underestimate the value of porch-sitting and rocking-chairing. They are simple gifts you can give to yourself.....and others.

[Candy Scratch]

I am so glad you didn't follow through on that call. I know you are too.

xoxo
Candy

[c'est la vie]

bbg, your experience of walking right into a trigger and sitting in it for a while AND THEN getting the heck out by reaching out to your life preserving network is proof positive to me and hopefully to you and many others reading your story that having a network of support WORKS!

I have tried in the past to work through my feelings and behaviors by prayer and by writing out study sheets only to end up drinking or at best feeling like a squirrelly irritable sober mess (then ultimately drinking later). Remarkably by reaching out and talking through these strange spots I was able to get through them sober and find peace. That's all the proof I needed to keep on working the program. I don't ever have to sit through pain alone and miserable trying to internally diagnose my problem and the solution. And neither do you. I'm so happy for you.

Keep working the program. It's working beautifully in your life.

[Janeeyre]

You did GREAT, BBG! You are an inspiration--I mean it.

[rainbowtwin]

Laurie,that was a great post I am going to keep close to me!!!Thank you.Navagating life without the chaos is something I have never done,so,I need to practice.
BBG,you are an insperation.Sometimes I wish I was as sane as you.You are strong and honest and your life has come so sooooooo far forward.Thanks to you for sharing it all here,I always love to read where you are at.Again,thanks for being so honest.
xrainbow

[bubblegum]

Hahhaha rainbow, thanks for calling me sane, because I feel completely opposite 99% of the time. But honesty is something I have, it is one of the most important parts in my sobriety. That is one of the things I lost when I was using that I hated most, my integrity.

I am working on my 8th step right now and am feeling so negative about it and I don't know why. I guess its making me just feel bad.

[CDawg]

BBG,

Here's a time where it pays to apply some of that REBT that you know to your 12-step. As you go thru this section of the step, bear in mind that these are things that you did - not who you are. I think that this is an important distinction to make....

And I also think that you're an inspiration to many -- me included....

Peace,

C

[TamTam]

What is so cool about this whole thing is being able to see recovery live and up close! Yes, you called your dealer before calling your other options, BUT everything you have learned kicked in and you did NOT follow through. The end of this story would have been so different not long ago. How great is that! There were many times back when that you called me... but it was way after the dealer call and hook up. I also know that you HAVE picked up the phone and made the right call MANY times in the last 5 months.

[Done-With-It!]

[Teje]

Tejer'ism #4:

Live in time. Rushing to get one thing over so you can move on to something "more important" is folly.

[bubblegum]

I think that's a good one for me teje

[laurie6781]

C Dawg makes an excellent point BBG. It need not make you sad. Step 8 is the list making of the people that we harmed and becoming willing to make amends.

Just the list. We've already covered this in Step 4 and have the list. Step 8 is getting us ready and prepared for what may or may not be a long Step 9, depending on when the moments present themselves to make said amends.

Relax, breathe, take a clean sheet of paper, transfer the list from Step 4, add any others that may have been revealed between Step 4 and 8, and this will become your "To Do List" for Step 9.

remember, don't 'over analyze' roflmao.

Love and hugs,

[bubblegum]

It really is the little things. The little good things make my day, and the little negative things that make me struggle more than anything.
Today was a little thing that has just left me beaming all day....
First of all, first weekend home, married, finally feel like I have my family I have always wanted and it was just so special to wake up and hang out doing nothing this am, really special.
But later on Tessa crawled over to me, pulled herself up on my legs, then reached up and said "up". Her first word other then mama, dada, her word for our dog (she can say the B of Bella but that's about it, those L's are hard lol). It was just too precious.

So, my sponsor has been telling me to request 1st step topic at meetings, after my phone call with my dealer. I guess, in my head, maybe I am not so powerless because I WAS able to not use even though I talked to him. She says the fact that I called him, despite knowing the consequences of using, shows the powerlessness. And that what would happen after I started using is where it really comes into play. The second part yea I do get. But it all comes down to, is there a choice or isn't there. I guess it all boils down to I have the choice to follow my program or not. I don't know. Just a rambling I suppose.

I also found a letter from my mom, written about 7 years ago, when I was 16. A very nice letter, and a lot has changed since then and that is hurtful. I thought about sending it back to her, to try open up communication about what has changed; but I think this is just setting myself up for further pain, so I wont do this. Part of me, it is a comfort to have it, but the other part it is very painful.

I still like I can almost feel what its like when that high starts to come. Today at the grocery store I saw a certain kind of beer, and I could almost taste it. It just I don't know, makes me kind of want it. I say I want to drink like a normal person, but like the saying goes, not really, I know I always drank to get drunk.

[ranchlady]

It is truly a blessing to have your own loving family. Work with that now and don't worry about Mom just yet. Get your footing on the ground as a sober and clean old married lady with a beautiful baby girl-lol. Get comfortable in your new skin and don't peel back the layers of the old wounds. When you are strong enough you can maybe work on that part but remember, Mom's place is the second to last place you want to be right now, last place is your dealer's house.

You have a short time going for you although your 5 Months is a tremendous feat, you need more time for you. Remember-I gave myself 6 months devoted to just me. You have people to deal with - yourself, Tessa and A. so more time is needed.

Just step back and take a breath.

[Teje]

Tejer'ism #5:

Learn from life's oldest living things: trees. They impressively break forth with buds and colors - but know innately when it's time to shut down and be unimpressive.

[nycgirl]

RanchLady is right BBG keep Mom way in the background for right now like you said you finally have your own family. You and A are in charge you responsible for you family. Keep growing keep getting stronger some day there will be a place and time in your life for at least some part of your Mother, you'll know when.

.....your dealer on the other hand,there is no place or time in your life for him, unfortunately he is a salesman and his job is to sell you his goods just like the car salesmen if you go looking for a car you'll have to expect those call for maybe weeks or months afterwards....

you might want to look into call blocking I have it my home phone and I think you can do it your cell too. It is where yo block individual numbers from even being able to get through but you also to block restricted numbers too so he can't just cal you from a restricted number.

And in the I am sooooo proud you made the right choices ((((((BBG)))))