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#44
01-12-2009, 09:06 PM
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Hey BBG just reading this now, the whole calling dealer thing. You did the right thing by calling your sponsor and going to the meeting. I am proud of you for that!!
I don't know why we get these tests but we do and you passed it!!! Keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will get there. rose        
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#45
01-13-2009, 11:19 AM
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Tuesdays I know are going to stress me out. Guess I should just get used to the real world! I work myself up into a tizzy before anything happens or I have any need to be, that's where I am at right now, trying to work to calm myself down.
I chair a meeting tonight for the first time, probably really no big deal, but to me I've never done it and it is and my head is thinking RUN. I know it is stupid but it makes me nervous. Have the weekend alone with Tess, A is gone, and he is so nervous about me being here alone. I know I have to earn back his trust but I don't know it is kind of bugging me that he doesn't. Alright gotta get tessa ready to spend the day with grandma  
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#46
01-13-2009, 11:49 AM
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Look at our little cherub! Her pictures just brighten my day!
Have a good day BBG. You're doing great. A will learn to trust you. I am the same way with my daughter and it's gonna take some time, but it'll happen.
__________________
Denial protects us from seeing the reality of what our lives have become.
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#48
01-13-2009, 05:15 PM
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You will earn back his trust in time. It will probably take more time for him to trust you than for you to trust yourself because only you know what's going on in your head and what you are willing to do in times of distress or discomfort. Unfortunately any setback, such as glaring relapsing behavior short of actually using, will loom large in the minds of loved ones. Keep walking forward and taking right actions and eventually the trust will come.
I'm sure you've heard it said before that actions speak louder than words. Simply saying you'll be OK is not enough. Actually being OK is an indication that you'll be OK. Stay close.
__________________
Denial will lead you down a path of destruction while making you think it's a joyride.
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#49
01-13-2009, 08:06 PM
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Teje-that was a ripper!!Thank you!
BBG,my mum just left after 3 weeks and for that 3 weeks she tipped out 1/2 bottles of wine and beer and asked where I was going when I went out alone.I know she loves me and loves that I am sober,but,man!!!She annoyed the crap out of me and I felt about 6 again!!The only thing is,this visit,I didn't drink so maybe next visit she will remember that and go a bit easier on her vigilance.Trust yourself,you are magnificent!! xrainbow
__________________
'What!You too?I thought I was the only one.' c.s.lewis
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#50
01-14-2009, 05:58 AM
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Tejer'ism #8:
Abandon any hope of fruition - stay in the present. Don't get caught up in the hopes of what you'll achieve and how good your situation will be some day in the future. What you do right now is what matters.
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#51
01-14-2009, 12:48 PM
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Last night after the meeting, out talking with a few people, and one of them says that I wasn't a "real" addict/alcoholic because it is too "easy" for me. wtf? This person has been around on and off for the last 4-5 months, but comes so sporadically to meetings, just isn't invested. I said something to the effect that maybe it is "Easier" for me because I am actually working the program. She didn't like that so much. And maybe I shouldn't have said it, I don't know why I got offended and felt the need to defend my "addictiveness". I guess if I am less than an addict that her then lucky me? But I guess I felt like she was discrediting my struggle with things. So, lets be honest, then my brain goes to "well maybe I'm really not?" and that means that I could go back to it someday....but why would I want to? It is all such crazy talk but is on my mind this morning, having a hard time letting it go.
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#52
01-14-2009, 12:50 PM
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Oh, I forgot. One of my friends works at the teen center here, she called me, some of the teens there were wanting to set up a dance workshop, and my friend calling me, knowing I have taught in the past, to see if I wanted to do it. I don't really know how involved it is yet, but I'm kind of excited about it, if I can find a time that will work and stuff. Nice to be thought of. I have kind of been looking for a no pressure way to get back into doing some of the things I used to really enjoy, dance being one of them.
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#53
01-14-2009, 02:41 PM
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Quote:
__________________
My abilty to stay sober comes from my heart, my soul and my mind....
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#56
01-14-2009, 05:21 PM
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You said the right thing... what that person thinks of you is really none of your business anyway, you know? The promises associated with this program of recovery tell us we cease to stop fighting anyone or anything... There's no need to get into an argument, especially with someone who is still actively "not well". I have learned to simply say... "You may be right." Go back to the prayer on pg 99 in the 12 & 12- prayer of St Francis- it reminds us that it is about understanding, not being understood.
If you can squeeze the dance opportunity in that would be so great for you. You would get your excercise and stimulation at the same time-- not to mention the pure joy of working with these kids! Have a good day- don't freeze your ta-ta's!!!!!!!!! 
__________________
Ego isn't what you think about yourself, It's how often you think about yourself.
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#58
01-14-2009, 07:18 PM
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BG
My vote is YES for teaching dance if you don't get over loaded. I am trying to get to a point where I can dance again-really looking forward to it! Hey BG, I just want add to the list of people saying, 'I'm so proud of you!!' You really have taken your life by the horns and turned it waay around!! And with all that turning life round and even turning to your HP, no wonder you feel off balance!! you know, when I worked with prisoners and people coming out after being ocked up for a long time, one thing that almost always came up was grief. You would think they would be so happy to get out and be away, and in ways they were, but they talked about the tremendous taboo around talking about any grief from their old life. It wasn't ok to talk about missing their friends, who had kept them alive (in some cases). It wasn't ok to miss the structure that was given to them. It wasn't ok to talk about their whole life. So, talking about depression after getting out or anxety about being free was really taboo. But, at my program, they could talk about it freely, with no shame and if they didn't bring it up, we would- gently, of course. New sobreity can be much the same way!!Maybe we sometimes miss being able to get high and check out of reality, then to not have to really be responsible because we were high. maybe we had friends and fun from those days. maybe we had major adrenaline rushes from all the drama that fueled energy to even to some good, creative things, and maybe not having all those energy shifts leaves us feeling sort of blank and confused. Makes sense to me. Heck, being 'straight' can get old fast, until we re-learn how to have fun, love ourselves unconditionally and set those boundaries. And on top of it all, here you are , with a baby and an awesome husband-all things you wanted, but can it just be ok to say that you miss the loss of your freedom, the loss of a big chunk of your identity/ Bg, can you let yourself cry and grieve that? It doesn't mean you want to go back to the old life, it doesn't mean you're going to use or drink, just that you've had some HUGE changes and you're living somewhere between loss and the brink of owning a new way of life. Add a dash of perfectionism there and BG is feeling like she's doing it all wrong or not enough, or...or...or STOP!!! OK, now take a very deep breath, and again and again and listen.... You started this post with the idea that you would love yourself, first and foremost-and let me tell ya-there's a lot to love!! I'd like to hear your thoughts on that! Love is an action word. Now, let's not foregt that with having so many blessings, being so pretty, so smart, kicking butt in the sobriety dept., people will be jealous of you-including your mom, the lady at the meeting and many more. They will possibly try to sabotage your sobriety and mess up your scene. Don't let them. It won't make them happy and it won't make you happy. And yes, keep praying!! BG, Anth. does need time to trust you more-trust takes time and he probably trusts you more than you think. Let's be honest-you are learning how to trust yourself and learning that you can't completely trust yourself yet and that's ok. That applies to everyone. It's called being human. Part of the dynmic in marriage involves testing trust. Getting high is testing trust i.e. "Will you still love me if I use?" Why even 'go there'. So, yeah, you have a ton of big feelings going on right now and will for a while. Gradually, you wil get more used to yourself and your new lifestyle, but it takes time and work, which you're doing. Life isn't all work; factor some fun in there and remember, when you get flooded with feelings and/or chaos, you can always say, "Not Now!" and make an appointment with yourself to journal, take a walk, go to a meeting, whatever is healthy. (((hugs)))
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#60
01-14-2009, 07:39 PM
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yw
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