Que Sera, Sera

[bubblegum]

Thanks ((NYC, Jane, Cdawg, tam, vel))

Heck, being 'straight' can get old fast, until we re-learn how to have fun, love ourselves unconditionally and set those boundaries. And on top of it all, here you are , with a baby and an awesome husband-all things you wanted, but can it just be ok to say that you miss the loss of your freedom, the loss of a big chunk of your identity/ Bg, can you let yourself cry and grieve that? It doesn't mean you want to go back to the old life, it doesn't mean you're going to use or drink, just that you've had some HUGE changes and you're living somewhere between loss and the brink of owning a new way of life. Add a dash of perfectionism there and BG is feeling like she's doing it all wrong or not enough, or...or...or STOP!!! OK, now take a very deep breath, and again and again and listen....

(((MoGlo)))
Thank you so much for that post. Don't know how but you were able to totally get and describe where I am at and what I am feeling so much better than I have been able to. Its almost like feeling torn. I like you relating it to grief because thats exactly what it feels like, but then its like why am I grieving something that in reality was so bad? It feels wrong a little bit?

You started this post with the idea that you would love yourself, first and foremost-and let me tell ya-there's a lot to love!! I'd like to hear your thoughts on that! Love is an action word.

You are right I did, and I think I have gotten away from this. To be honest I feel like lately I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I'm still trying to get used to being home and not in a structured sober living environment, and being back to school, and married, and etc etc. Its a lot to get used to and I just feel really really chaotic most of the time trying to figure things out. I think (I hope) I will settle into a routine soon where I can maybe better manage things and be a bit more relaxed. I feel like I'm pretty crazy and just all over the place right now.

Thinking I'm going to have to come back and reread this post often for a while.

[afrita]

Yes, isn't MoGlo amazing?

why am I grieving something that in reality was so bad?

To me, when you are addictive, that is a primary relationship. It makes sense (and it's common) to grieve the loss of the addiction. It was a primary relationship like a relationship you would have with another person. I think addicts almost anthropomorphize the thing they are addicted to. I've recently been seeing suggestions to view the addiction not as something "so bad" as a romantic love affair. What do you think?



afrita

[TamTam]

I started a thread in June '07. It was a letter that I had written to my best friend to say goodby. The best friend was my alcohol- it was there through good bad, up and down, sunny, rainy-- you know how it goes. That relationship, like so many others in life, turned out to be unhealthy for me- toxic- so I had to let it go. It is absolutely a grieving process so let yourself go through that process. It was good for me to write it and get it out there- it got it out of my head which is important because I have a sh!t magnet up there and it's easy for stuff to get sucked to it!

[laurie6781]

I feel like I'm pretty crazy and just all over the place right now.

Well, let's see....................................being newly married is always a chaotic adventure. Being the parent of a child under one year is always a chaotic adventure. Being in college working on one's Master's is always a chaotic adventure.

But CHAOTIC in a GOOD WAY. ENJOY!!!!!! My sweet BBG you are LIVING life. Without hiding behind chemicals to numb you. You hve the best of life right now! Enjoy it. It will be a great memory, when you are older, much older, and you and Anth are sitting some where in your rocking chairs soaking up the warm sun and the grandkids and great grandkids are running around.

Sweetie it is not written on some tablet in some great desert or up on some mountain that life is always serene and peaceful (OMG how boring would that be? lol).

You don't have to be miss perfect. You just keep doing, grab moments of laughter, and you should certainly have plenty of those with that beautiful princess, the overgrown puppy, and a new husband. You will get everything NECESSARY done. And if the house is not perfect, oh well, there is always tomorrow.

Now.....................................take the WONDER WOMAN and the SUPER WOMAN capes to the cleaners. Don't pick them up for a month. When you do pick them up, stash them in the storage locker, AT THE BACK. roflmao

All you have to do is BE YOURSELF. Oh and take that great big 4 foot trucker chain you have been beating yourself up with and drop it off at the nearest truck stop. You don't need that anymore either, lmao

Enjoy your time ech day sweetie. Find some joy in each day, for when that day is over, it is gone forever, except for the memories.

Love and hugs,

[bubblegum]

I like the idea of writing a letter, they had us do that when I was in rehab, but I don't think I was really ready for that yet, I didn't take it so seriously, these feelings hadn't really come up at that pint. It was a primary relationship, lifestyle, so much more than that, and all the things that go with it. You know I've lost a lot of friends, and maybe they weren't the best of friends, but they were my friends for a lot of years, and I am sad about that. Its not that I'm romanticizing I'm just missing some things. There was a feeling of connectedness there, thats gone. I mean I guess I still get it sort of when I'm at meetings, but I feel so unconnected from the rest of the world. Even from A sometimes... he is going off to have a weekend with his friends where I know he will be drinking and at the bar etc, and that is ok, but it just makes me feel so... I don't know. Like I just don't belong in that world anymore? Maybe I never did and I was just pretending. I am trying to enjoy things, I do enjoy things. A lot of times though, I feel like I am still just faking it.

[laurie6781]

he is going off to have a weekend with his friends where I know he will be drinking and at the bar etc, and that is ok, but it just makes me feel so... I don't know.

But you also said you were kind of looking forward to a weekend with him gone. Get together with the girls from the recovery house. Time with your sponsor, etc Time to hog the bathroom, rofl

As Velvet said, we have to sometimes STRESS THE POSITIVE to ourselves instead of looking at the negative.

Yes, I am going back to bed now, rofl

Love and hugs,

[nycgirl]

I used to wonder what people did that didn't go to Bars on Friday and Saturday Night now I woder why they would want too....it just seems like real wast of time and money....you'll get there be patient

[Velvet]

BBG, just focus on the moment. You know that old saying....even the nonalcoholics got this one down pat..."one day at a time". duh. I sometimes picture you in this spider web, like you're stuck. But it's a good spider web, this time, and there's a way out but you're fighting too much of the old stickie part and just can't seem to break free. (I think I'm probably the only one that, that little whatever it was, will make sense to. )

[morning_glory]

BG,
Glad you could connect with your grief and confusion. It feels weird to grieve when the old life was so bad, but let;s remember that that old life was just as much yours as the life you live now. you got up every day and did what you thought was right for you. YOU had all the power-the addict always has the power because they are out of control-quite a paradox, isn't it? So, you had power, and could abuse it, rationalize it and rock everyone's world anytime you wanted. You could make men go psycho over you and reinvent yourself with a call to the dealer. Unfortunately, it all came with a price. Your health, dignity, and even life were threatened by your use and the fallout that came with it. We hate it when that happens-aaaagh!!!! And even more annoying is that stupid 'voice of reason' that insists on whispering in your ear. So, then the day comes when the endless party ends and we decide to do the scariest thing ever-grow up. Yuck. And we get to grow up with out real parents if ours are dysfunctional, or even if they were awesome, we are still sort of alone in all this. Sort of.

So, ok, we'll grow up, but when did we decide to put our development on hold? Hard to say...things were probably pretty messed up and we took that as a cue to PARTY!!! Which kind of worked for a while, then it goes south. Splat!

So, my dear, here you are, in your 20's with a baby and a husband who is out drinking a few beers and that little demon in your hed is saying all kinds of irrational things. Let the little demon rant for a few minutes then tell him where to go and how to get there. Remember your commitment to love yourself. For real. You're young, still getting use to your new planet . You're smart, pretty, cool and loved!! Not bad at all. Only a few million women would chew their own arm off to trade places with you.

But, you still feel crazy, weird and crappy. Ok, let's dig deeper or take a look from another angle. Your baby is exactly at the age where I had post partum depression with both my kids. This may be worth looking at. Not that it would cover all your feelings and experience, but let me tell you-hormones are powerful!!

But, all in all, BG, you're on a healthy track. I honestly have an easier time with my kids now that they're older-even though I have a teen who would drive anyone else up the wall.

ypu know-when I read your words about how people tgink you're cool with life but you feel like you're faking it most of the time, I had an AHA! I realized tht I felt that way my entire life until a few months ago when I got diagnosed and treated for ADD. How weird is that??? Now I feel completely "normal". My brain is wired differently and it doesn't screen out chaos very well without meds. I am thankful every day for my awesome Dr. s who have helped me adjust to this weird planet. It took 48 years, but I'm kicking butt now and I wish the same happiness for everyone. At least you don't feel like a 'late bloomer' next to me, huh???

[bubblegum]

Alright I'm just going to be honest here, because this is when I get confused. Sometimes when I'm feeling squirrelly like this I get "well its ok to feel like that just let yourself be" and then others like now I feel like I get a million reasons why I shouldn't feel this way and I should be more positive. When is it one and when is it the other? Stress the positive... I didn't know I was being negative. Why is having these feelings being negative? UGh... it just gets to friggin frustrating.

[bubblegum]

Originally Posted by Velvet

BBG, just focus on the moment. You know that old saying....even the nonalcoholics got this one down pat..."one day at a time". duh. I sometimes picture you in this spider web, like you're stuck. But it's a good spider web, this time, and there's a way out but you're fighting too much of the old stickie part and just can't seem to break free. (I think I'm probably the only one that, that little whatever it was, will make sense to. )

LOL if you knew how much I hated HATED spiders, you would know how much that just made me skin crawl. Think I need to go take a shower now lol.

[Velvet]

lol....I hate spiders too! Sorry to creep you out there.

"well its ok to feel like that just let yourself be"

PERFECT!

Exactly. It's ok to feel like this. It's ok. Don't try to analyze it, just let it be a feeling that you don't like and let it go. IMO, sometimes when you get to analyzing why you feel this way or that, it comes across to me that you are being negative. It doesn't neccessarily mean that you ARE being negative, I just read it this way because you are dwelling on it. But for you, that's ok. It is. You're journaling and writing down how you feel. That's what you should be doing. I just hate to see you have all these feelings as I know it is confusing for you, but it's kinda just like....what's that word....'life'. lol You're experiencing things for the first time without the mask of the drugs, so it's like you're learning how to live all over again.
Being sober and clean means you have to face things without blocking everything with the drugs. So everything is hitting you with full force, so you are going to feel stressed and uncomfortable. Just do your best, which you are doing a great job at.
I know my words don't always come out on this page like I want them to, but you are really giving it a great shot. I just hate to see the pain.

[Teje]

You're getting a two'fer today - I've been reading along and both of these might be useful.......

Tejer'ism #9:

People cling to their misery simply because they have grown a certain kind of friendship with it. They have lived with it for so long that they are afraid to leave it.

[Teje]

Tejer'ism #10:

It is very easy to think about love. It is very difficult to love. It is very easy to love the whole world. The real difficulty is to love oneself.

[Janeeyre]

You don't sound negative, BBG. You sound like you're just examining things a bit, which is fine.

You're doing great, sweetie!

xo
Jane

[RoseH2O]

Hi Bbg
I think you are doing awesome and just wanted to tell you this. Gosh our life's have so many variables and there just is no book to tell us exactly how to do this. Yes programs to help us but each situation is so different as is each person and their circumstances. You are examining things, asking for help, writing things out and thinking about things. Dang that is just wonderful!

You are so smart, I wish I had been that smart at your age. I hope my girls grow up to be smart thinking women like you.

Kiss the little punkin for me
rose

[c'est la vie]

Sometimes when I'm feeling squirrelly like this I get "well its ok to feel like that just let yourself be" and then others like now I feel like I get a million reasons why I shouldn't feel this way and I should be more positive. When is it one and when is it the other?

I don't think there is anything wrong with saying that you feel bad at a given moment for this reason or that reason. The mere fact that you are feeling feelings is one of the blessings of recovery. It sounds to me that you are talking about two different occasions though - having a feeling vs. obsessing about a feeling (wallowing)

When a negative circumstance arises, we might have a negative feeling that is OK to process. Our Mom hurts our feelings - we feel bad. We are stressed over too heavy of course load - we feel bad. We get sick - we feel bad. We feel the feeling. We talk it over with our support network and maybe identify a root cause to the feeling. But we keep moving forward. Sometimes these feelings simply dissipate in a short time (PMS), some require a change in our life (ie drop a class), and others take more active recovery such as writing out a 4th step (do my parents love me?).

On the other hand if we encounter a negative circumstance and we wallow in the resulting feelings of how miserable life is or that no one likes us or that we'll never get a job or we'll never get out of debt or we'll never stay sober or or or... - - that is focusing on the negative feelings. Or perhaps we so desperately want the feeling gone that we analyze it to bits and pieces trying to get rid of it quicker than it wants to pass. Instead of allowing the feeling to pass through us while we walk through to the solution, we obsess about the negative feeling and fight against it. This is when someone might suggest making a gratitude list. It's a simple action that can jump start the move to positive thinking and get out of obsessing over the negative.

I'm sure you've heard that feelings won't kill you and they won't get you drunk/high. BUT when life begins to be swallowed up by "feeling analysis" or wallowing in the messy bog, the following spiral of negative feelings can pull you down to the place where relapse looms. When you feel yourself wallowing (or if your sponsor indicates that you are) it's time to take an action and move on.


If it makes you feel better, I don't see you focusing on the negative. I think you hit bumps in your road, and you seem to share about it and work to a solution with your support network. That's recovery. You are helping a lot of people see that they too can get through difficulties sober. You will never again encounter something that you NEED to drink/use over. You have the solution at your fingertips and you are using it.


(((((bbg)))))

[RoseH2O]

Originally Posted by c'est la vie

When a negative circumstance arises, we might have a negative feeling that is OK to process. Our Mom hurts our feelings - we feel bad. We are stressed over too heavy of course load - we feel bad. We get sick - we feel bad. We feel the feeling. We talk it over with our support network and maybe identify a root cause to the feeling. But we keep moving forward. Sometimes these feelings simply dissipate in a short time (PMS), some require a change in our life (ie drop a class), and others take more active recovery such as writing out a 4th step (do my parents love me?).

On the other hand if we encounter a negative circumstance and we wallow in the resulting feelings of how miserable life is or that no one likes us or that we'll never get a job or we'll never get out of debt or we'll never stay sober or or or... - - that is focusing on the negative feelings. Or perhaps we so desperately want the feeling gone that we analyze it to bits and pieces trying to get rid of it quicker than it wants to pass. Instead of allowing the feeling to pass through us while walk through to the solution, we obsess about the negative feeling and fight against it. This is when someone might suggest making a gratitude list. It's a simple action that can jump start the move to positive thinking and get out of obsessing over the negative.

I'm sure you've heard that feelings won't kill you and they won't get you drunk/high. BUT when life begins to be swallowed up by "feeling analysis" or wallowing in the messy bog, the following spiral of negative feelings can pull you down to the place where relapse looms. When you feel yourself wallowing (or if your sponsor indicates that you are) it's time to take an action and move on.


(((((bbg)))))

thank you, I needed this!

[Teje]

Tejer'ism #11:

Practice being content. It is both the work and the reward of a lifetime.

[bubblegum]

I'm lonely. I don't like being alone. I don't know what to do with myself. Cleaned the whole apartment this morning, and now its like now what.... Too cold to be outside. Baby is sleeping. I'm Antsy.