Que Sera, Sera

[Velvet]

Are you antsy or Ansthony? lol
Post me a pic of that baby. It's been awhile.

[bubblegum]

Haha, I just posted one the other day! But I think it was on a different thread.

This is my BABY playing this morning, she is getting soo big.... Needless to say we are going to buy her a bigger chair this morning lol.

[Velvet]

She looks pretty comfy in that one! She is so cute.
Thank you. Now I can go about my day.

[Rocketman]

Too cute BBG

[indigo]

AW you just made my day.

[bubblegum]

I'm feeling really stuck. Fighting the biggest urges and I don't know if I can withstand, my whole body is craving it like I need it. My body does need it. I'm a crazy person without. Nobody wants to listen, go to a meeting or stop whining about it get over it, that is what everybody says. I can't even spit out the words of what I feel like inside. Day after day after and it just gets worse, I try to ignore it, try to accept it, pretend its not there and I'm doing great. But it doesn't go away it just gets worse and worse and worse until now it feels too big. I feel like a pressure cooker ready to explode unless I find some form of release and I haven't been able to find it. I just want to be ok and the whole faking it thing isn't working, its just making me feel worse inside. I'm almost 6 months sober why the hell do I feel so ****ing crazy.

[Dan]

Urges pass. Even that I'm going crazy feeling will pass.
Hit a meeting. Someone there needs to hear what's going on with you.
Grab another alcoholic or addict and hang on.

[Muse]

How far are you on the steps?

[RoseH2O]

I know that feeling having been there done that with hooch. I found I had to ask myself am I feeding this feeling? We can feed the beast and not even be aware of it.

What exactly are you feeling BBG? Really, write it for me so I understand. Are you just obsessing mentally that I want to escape? I want to get high? Are you physically trembling? Are you sick to your stomach? The poops? What exactly are you feeling?

It helps me to actually write it down so I can see very clearly what is going on with me. Like I might write I need a drink, I just have to drink today. I am really upset and can't seem to calm down, my nerves are shot, I can't get through XX without a drink, my back hurts and I deserve to escape. I have been good and not drank in a long long time so I deserve it. Maybe I can handle it?

Just a short little thing but you probably have the same thoughts as me when you read it. I don't deserve to get caught in the spider web again, my nerves are shot and they will be much worse if I drink, my back might hurt more if I drink cuz I might do something drunk to hurt it worse, can I find something other than hooch to comfort myself, would a nice hot bath relax me a bit, can I call someone to help me because I am frustrated?

Six months is a wonder place to be BBG. Just hang on, urges will not kill you, maybe make you a little nuts but it will not kill you and you do not have to use.


Oh and thanks for the picture she is so damn cute!!! She looks like how my girls were, I love the thighs ha ha. Blow on her belly for me!
sending hugs
rose

[Muse]

Nobody wants to listen, go to a meeting or stop whining about it get over it, that is what everybody says.

What has kept you sober for 6 months now? It isn't that nobody wants to listen, maybe it is nobody wants to listen to the same thing. You know the answers, just do it. If you don't know the answer, you need to keep looking for it and the answer is not in any drug or alcohol.

It is a simple program, but you have to put it into play. It gets better, but you are at the point where we set ouselves up to fail. Things are going well right now and your disease is looking for every reason to lead you astray. Fight it! You know the drill...meetings, call your sponsor, take you inventory, say the serenity prayer. You have come to far to let it all go. Stop to think about why people keep telling you the same thing. Maybe we need to hear or see what we can not hear or see for ourselves.

[Teje]

Tejer'ism #12:

One of the fundamental laws of life is this: whatsoever you hide goes on growing, and whatsoever you expose, if it is wrong it disappears, evaporates in the sun, and if it is right it is nourished. Stop nourishing the wrong by hiding it and nourish the right by giving it the sun, and wind, and rain.

[c'est la vie]

bbg, this is normal. I know you probably don't want to hear that. Things don't change overnight or once you hit 6 months or once you get out of sober housing. It takes time. I have to believe that part of your behavior in the last 6 months has been sincere and that you are not faking ALL of your life. Try to make a list of those things tonight.

Muse asks a good question. Perhaps you need to move on the steps. My sponsor always tells me that when I'm feeling squirrelly or irritable then I must have some step work to be done. Usually when I have taken some action I feel better. It's good that you are posting here and that you are trying to reach out for help. Keep doing that. Do whatever has kept you sober to date. Maybe you need to try adding a new tool to your toolbox. Try attending a meeting and listening for something new that you can do tomorrow. Just keep moving. If you sit in that yucky place you just might get stuck.

[morning_glory]

BG, if you are truly feeling like you're losing it, then you're in survival mode. Please get to your Dr. asap; this is a health issue!! You need some relief. Please call first thing in the morning...until then... if you can't wait-go to the emergency room(((hugs))).

[bubblegum]

Alright here it goes, and now everyone is going to think I'm psycho

What exactly are you feeling BBG? Really, write it for me so I understand. Are you just obsessing mentally that I want to escape? I want to get high? Are you physically trembling? Are you sick to your stomach? The poops? What exactly are you feeling?

Its just its lingering I guess depression, really bad depression. And I can't keep it from coming it just hits me. I fake it, I hide it from the rest of the world, but after a while it just overtakes me. And inside its eating me up inside. Every now and then it pretty much goes away but I know its always going to come back. Nothing helps, meds don't help, meetings don't help, nothing helps it. I don't know how to explain what it feels like, like I get transported to a black hole. When I try talk about it people shut me out and it makes me feel worse. Or I get these cliche things like get off the pity pot, start your day over, stop doing it, stop being negative; I try, I want it to stop, but I don't know how. By calling, when I call it takes all I have in me to do that, I am trying, but I guess I do just sound negative. Its hard to explain it to people, so most of the time I just fake it and pretend it isn't there. When I am in it a lot of the times it seems like the only options are to die or get high because it just feels so unbearable.

How far are you on the steps?

8th

It isn't that nobody wants to listen, maybe it is nobody wants to listen to the same thing.

Which is why I shut up about it, but I also don't want to FEEL the same thing.

If you sit in that yucky place you just might get stuck.

I am stuck, its like quicksand and I can't get out.

[Velvet]

The alternative to how you are feeling now is SO MUCH WORSE! And I know you know this. Don't go there. Do whatever it takes to stay where you are.

[indigo]

Yep hang on hang on distract yourself in anyway possible the feeling will go and it'll be such a relief and I'll be thinking of you.

[afrita]

This kind of overwhelming depression sounds potentially medical to me, BBG. I second MoGlo: a doctor's visit, ok? You don't have to sit in depression and feel like it must be endured. (((BBG)))

[laurie6781]

Its just its lingering I guess depression, really bad depression. And I can't keep it from coming it just hits me. I fake it, I hide it from the rest of the world, but after a while it just overtakes me. And inside its eating me up inside. Every now and then it pretty much goes away but I know its always going to come back. Nothing helps, meds don't help, meetings don't help, nothing helps it. I don't know how to explain what it feels like, like I get transported to a black hole. When I try talk about it people shut me out and it makes me feel worse. Or I get these cliche things like get off the pity pot, start your day over, stop doing it, stop being negative; I try, I want it to stop, but I don't know how. By calling, when I call it takes all I have in me to do that, I am trying, but I guess I do just sound negative. Its hard to explain it to people, so most of the time I just fake it and pretend it isn't there. When I am in it a lot of the times it seems like the only options are to die or get high because it just feels so unbearable.

I think (J M H O) my sweet girl, that you need to DISCUSS this IN DEPTH with your counselor, not me, not your sponsor, your counselor. You may have depression, and as to the meds "not working" they have only tried a few on you and for NOT VERY LONG. There are many different Anti D's these days, and as much as you don't WANT to take medication, some may be necessary.

That being said, you may also just be going through the 'normal depression' of early recovery (the first year). Please, discuss this with your counselor.

A great singer, Peggy Lee, had a song that was my theme song for the first year of my recovery, "Is That All There Is?" Some of the other 'old fogies' on her may remember it, lol:



I will say it to you again, and again, and again, lol this will pass, life does get better.

You have had 'glimmers', I know these past 5+ months have not all been "faking it until you make it" and those 'glimmers' get longer and the depression gets less.

I also think your weather up there has had a LOT to do with your mood. I hope you will get some of those 'sunlight bulbs' to put in some of your light fixtures in your home, they do help.

We love you, you know that, and to use an OLD cliche from AA "This Too Shall Pass" honest.

Love and hugs,

[morning_glory]

BG,
"Its just its lingering I guess depression, really bad depression. And I can't keep it from coming it just hits me. I fake it, I hide it from the rest of the world, but after a while it just overtakes me. And inside its eating me up inside. Every now and then it pretty much goes away but I know its always going to come back. Nothing helps, meds don't help, meetings don't help, nothing helps it. I don't know how to explain what it feels like, like I get transported to a black hole. When I try talk about it people shut me out and it makes me feel worse. Or I get these cliche things like get off the pity pot, start your day over, stop doing it, stop being negative; I try, I want it to stop, but I don't know how. By calling, when I call it takes all I have in me to do that, I am trying, but I guess I do just sound negative. Its hard to explain it to people, so most of the time I just fake it and pretend it isn't there. When I am in it a lot of the times it seems like the only options are to die or get high because it just feels so unbearable."

I obviously can't diagnose you, but what you're saying certainly has many of the hallmarks of depression. One of the suckiest parts of depression is the hopelessness. I, too, have made those really hard phone calls to the Dr., and yes, even though I wasn't diagnosed properly until recently, I was given enough help to keep going. I don't want to be intrusive or tell you how to do your life or recovery, but I really see you as being in grave danger of relapsing, with all the risks that go with it. It scares me, an I know you just well enough to know that you truly don't wan't to go there. May I suggest a call to a qualified psychiatrist? One that you can even give a printed copy of your post to so s/he canget a view of how dark and deeply you plummet into these moods? You deserve better and we all deserve better. If/when you make the call,be very clear that you are on the brink of using and that that can mean death for you. That will get their attention. girl, none of this mood stuff is your fault, and the moods certainly would be enough to tempt anyone to use, but here we are-you are sober and want to stay that way, but you have hit a wall and it is up to you to make the call to save yourself. I am worried about your safety. I don't think you're psych or crazy, but , like most of us, can make a bad decision to do something crazy. Would it just be a 'slip'? At this point, it would be a plan and you can cancel that plan, and take care of yourself. Please, BG, don't give up!!

[Rocketman]

(((BBG) I hear ya loud & clear.

My wife has taken anti depression pills for years. It took a long time and many different type of pills. Please go talk to you dr. You have come way to far to give up now.