Que Sera, Sera

[bubblegum]

Home from honeymoon, and was told I needed to start a new thread. Lots of new stuff going on that is bringing about a lot of fear and worry for the future and how everything is going to work out and I am finding it really easy to work myself into a huge panic. Lots just seems so up in the air with both A and I graduating and where are we going to go/work etc etc.
A asked what my new years resolution was this year and as a joke I said "love love love" but I'm gonna go with it and say that is what it is, but love for ME this time round. Going to work to change all that negative crap I tell myself daily and start treating myself right. Lots of self-defeating beliefs that I just want to squash. Talking with Teje the other day, she told me she was proud of me, I still get uncomfortable when people say that or other compliments, but for the first time I could really say and feel that I am proud of me too. I know that I have a long way to go, but I've taken some really big steps.
Had a conversation with my mom tonight and haven't talked to her in a while. One of her friends died on Friday, went out with some friends drinking, they all went back to one of their houses and she was staying because she couldn't drive home. She walked downstairs to go to the bathroom, tripped, fell, and hit her head. They say she died instantly. It is so scary and has me freaked out. This is the second of my mom's friends that have passed away from falling when drunk. My mom seems to be in such major denial... "she did everything right, she didn't drive..." Um mom, the drinking to that point of drunkenness is where it went wrong. I mean she does that pretty much nightly I guess so she wouldn't come up with that. I just wish this could be a wake up call for her though. I don't think she will ever really get it. I just keep praying for her that maybe she will.
Classes starting back up tomorrow, and I got nothing accomplished that I wanted to today, was so lazy and tired. Still have all the christmas decorations up. Wish I wasn't starting this semester already stressed out but oh well.
150 days sober tomorrow, 5 months on Thursday. Have been feeling pretty urgey the past few days.

[nycgirl]

Wow Girl 150 days I AM PROUD OF YOU....I know the breaks over and didn't get anything done feeling ... that's the story of my life... back to my dungeon of a classroom tomorrow I am soooo not ready

Congrats on the Wedding ...I typed it twice before and lost the posts ...i have been doing that a lot lately .

Life is a long journey and you are just beginning ...good days bad days ...ups and downs...I envy you a bit, I sometimes wish I could go back and do it over again sober.....but i love what I have now and that I would have to give that up too...so I will cherish it all for what it is...

Bad news about your Moms friend....could have been me, took a few headers fell down a few flights of stairs and such in my drinking days (and nights) .....she won't get it until she does...yo know that ....just keep praying.....Love to three of you....

[c'est la vie]

I'm happy to see a new thread for a new beginning for you, bbg. Try not to put so much pressure on yourself to have the decorations put away - you just got back from a WEDDING AND HONEYMOON! Start the semester and go with the flow rather than trying too hard to get to the point of feeling "ready". I think many of us try to feel "ready" for whatever we're getting ready to do - change careers, have children, get sober... Sometimes (probably all the time) you have to just START. Things will unfold and eventually you will make decisions about your future, but today you only need to do what is in front of you today.

Congrats on 150 days sober


Stay in the moment.
Sobriety first.

[Little Missy]

((BBG)) Congratulations on your 5 months and your marriage!! That is fantastic!!

Sorry to hear about your mom's friend.

[bubblegum]

Thanks all

I am feeling just really tired and emotional today, have started crying like 8 times and I'm not sure why. Probably just PMS or something but ugh. Just feel like a big mess. Going to go to one of my favorite women's meetings tonight, haven't been in a while and hopefully that will help to level me out a little bit. I just feel like I am floundering and not sure what to do with myself which is silly because there are 1000000 things I could be doing. I think I don't know I moved home when school was wrapping up and was home when we didn't really have much to do and its just weird with us back on a schedule and stuff. It is good just I don't know. I guess I don't really know whats with me today and I'm just searching for a reason, I'm just sad. Haven't even been married a week and feeling sad.

[rainbowtwin]

Sending you lots of lovexxxx
Congrats on the new husband and a wonderful time a delicious daughter and all that love love love.
xrainbow

[TamTam]

I'm thinking that you are possibly suffering from something very medical, like post emotional overload meltdown. HELLO!!! Yes you have only been married a week and yes you are very happy, but you are coming off of a lot right now. So much has gone on and now there is nothing dramatic happening in your near future, which believe it or not, is good. Let yourself "be" for now- that in itself is plenty to keep you busy. It's all good, sweet girl! I'm proud of you xoxo

[ranchlady]

Yippee a new thread, a new you, a new husband, a new school year-You go girl-throw out the old and bring on the new. Those are good challenges that can keep you focused on "the new" and away from "the past old stuff".

New can be scary, refreshing, spooky, fun-all the things that make new so difficult. You are uncomfortable with the unknown and happy about the joy of something different. Toss all those emotions together in a bowl and you get emotional upheaval. Then if you take each one separately it brings on it's own spice to the salad that when you taste it by itself you can go yuck or yum.

But when you take a bite at a time, it can be on of those BBG masterpiece recipes that can be magnificent. A mesh of delicate smell and a taste of delight with a hint of tartness but all in all it is delicious.

Life is a journey not a destination, take it one day at a time and enjoy the minute of each hour for what it is, not what you want to make it be or you think it should be.

Allow youself the down time when it happens cause it isn't gonna kill you not doing everything at once. You life will go on.

2009 is going to be BBG's good year. You deserve it.

Luv ya kiddo

[bubblegum]

First day of classes today and I am feeling so exhausted already. Going to be hard to really fit everything in this semester, there just isn't enough of me to go around and not enough hours in the day, but I am trying to really put some time aside for me too. What do you do to not feel guilty about that when you have a million other thingst o be doing? I am SO SORE from working out this week, so out of shape. One of my friends that teaches ballet sent me a picture of some of her girls and I was just like crap, I used to look like that haha..... never again I suppose. Maybe I'm obsessing over it. My mom made a comment "you didn't even try loose some weight before you got married?" She hasn't even seen me in forever but it really hurt. I kind of have let things go a bit and now weight about the same I did when I was 8 months pregnant. She KNOWS I have problems with it. I know she was just saying it to hurt me. But after examining every inch in a wedding dress and then being in a bathing suit for a few days I just feel yuck so I'm trying to do something about it. I'm scared to go to the doctor for my issues going on and have them tell me I can't.

[c'est la vie]

Why are you comparing your new grown up mother figure with those of "girls" in a ballet class? That thinking is dangerous. So is listening to your mother say anything negative to you. No wonder you learned such destructive self-talk! There is an enormous difference between constructive guidance and destructive criticism. Please put your filters on when you speak to your mom and don't let that damaging garbage into your head.

If you honestly have more things to do than will fit in a given day, then you need to assess what is critical to your mental and physical well being. I don't see any reason to rush through the last part of your education if it's going to be detrimental to your future in any way. This is only a tiny part of your entire life but it will set the stage for the rest of your life. Do you want Tessa growing into toddlerhood with you acting like a crazed mother trying to do more than humanly possible? Do you want to enter the workforce so burnt out that you can barely function? There is something in this mix that you can change - perhaps it's simply your attitude, perhaps it's your course load. Only you can determine.

Slow down and enjoy life, your daughter, your relationship. Work will come eventually, but it's not what's worth living for. And it certainly isn't worth relapsing over due to stress and worry! Remember, the drink (or fix) is the LAST step of a relapse - the thinking goes first, so pay attention to your serenity.

[Giyana]

bbg, you are doing so well! I am in envy, both of that, and of going to classes, which I loved.

Dam* life goes by so quickly. I have a few cards left (bought them all when I found them) that said: "Cheer up, five years from now you will wish you that young.
Think about it...

Gi

[TamTam]

At a conference once a woman said.. "When you tell your child you are too busy.... you are TOO busy" xoxo

[Teje]

Tejer'ism (stolen...but who cares.....LOL) for today:

Reduce life to its essence. It is mostly love that matters.........and lasts.

[Velvet]

Pardon me for probably making you mad, but could you just sit down and think about all the good things in your life right now?
Let go of the small stuff.(it's just that, small, not anything to get stressed about)
Let go of all the chores that there isn't enough time for.(those chores will still be there tomorrow)
Let go of what negative things others have to say about you. (who cares about them)
Let go of what your body looks like. (I know it isn't that bad as your head is telling you)

Think about your fantastic Tessa.
Think about your new husband.
Think about your wedding.
Think about the beach that you were just on.
Think about something good and positive and quit wasting time thinking about the negative.

[Velvet]

Positive thinking improves the brain!!

[bubblegum]

Well I went and saw my therapist this morning and we talked, and I came to the conclusion that I am going to drop two classes. I have some feelings of guilt and like I am failing some by doing this. I know it isn't rational and probably ridiculous but I'm just feeling I don't know. I know its probably the right decision. My sponsor and I talked about it last night and I talked about it with Anthony too. Everyone is saying the same thing and I think I'm finally coming around to thinking the same thing.

And velvet, its just not normal to be positive all of the time, we all have our times and moments of being a little down and its ok I think. I may not be great at it but I certainly think I am getting better at looking at the positive stuff. But just because there are positives doesn't mean I don't get stressed or scared or upset. Not everything is small and little and doesn't matter and deserve to be dismissed just like that. I don't think its fair to assume I just am being all together negative. You don't know all of the stuff and feelings and emotions and craziness that surrounds early sobriety and how hard it can be sometimes.

[Velvet]

You don't know all of the stuff and feelings and emotions and craziness that surrounds early sobriety and how hard it can be sometimes.

First let me say that I know way more than you think I know.
Then let me say that yes, I agree with you that everything is not always positive and all matters are not small. But sometimes I sense, in your posts, that you let these things weigh in at more than they are worth.
And I guess you do post about what is stressing you out and maybe that's all I'm reading. That's what this board is for....to vent, to type out your feelings. And that is what you're doing. That's why sometimes it's hard to say what I mean. Don't want you to take offense. I just don't want you to get so wrapped up in the neg that you forget the positive. You've come very far in a short period of time and I just feel that you can breathe without all the stuff coming at you at once. I don't mean to be on you....and I guess I am not explaining myself very well. I just do wish you the best and maybe just want to protect you from the bad stuff that isn't worth stress level going up, over it.
ok...I'll stop now.

[Teje]

Tejer'ism #2:

Reduce love to its essence. It is mostly a knowing and a being known. Make the effort, do the work, of getting to know and letting your true self be known. You will see the oneness of love and LOVE.

[Teje]

Congrats on five months, BBG!!!

[bubblegum]

Well today, I'm not sure if it was good or bad, not sure it really needs measurement or a label. I got in a really bad space. I ended up getting my dealer's number, calling him, setting up time/location to meet up with him. The whole time I just kept thinking what am I doing what am I doing. After I got off the phone it was just kind of reflex, I said a prayer. Took a breath, called my sponsor, figured I could talk to her for 5 minutes then make up my mind. Well talked to her, went to a meeting, prayed some more, and that urge to use is no longer there. I opened up that door of communication again with my dealer, he had stopped bugging me, but now I've gotten numerous calls from him tonight. I know it is not the life I want to live anymore but sometimes that obsession and pull towards it just gets so strong. I am so thankful I was able to do the right thing today and it really has scared me. Had a long talk a bit later with my sponsor, talked about how I'm not used to having things going well in my life and not having drama or something going on, it IS uncomfortable. As crazy at it is, I feel really uncomfortable with how happy and how good things are right now. I know how good they are, I can see the positive, but it almost feels bad? I don't know how to describe it (I guess thats why I reacted how I did to what you said velvet). So in a way I'm trying to self-destruct or find my own drama or something to focus on so I feel more comfortable. Pretty sad that I'm more comfortable in misery but I guess that is true.
Did have some fun with Tessa this afternoon, we got out some pots and pans and were banging a way and she was so full of giggles. Man, banging those myself relieved some tension for me lol. I love my little girl so much and can't believe I was willing, however briefly, to go back to being that selfish. I hate this ****ing shit.