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#41
06-20-2006, 08:51 PM
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Hey Watch it. I LOVE my camper.
And thats it Dan. Know I know what to tell everbody! I have to much background noise in my life! I like it!!
__________________
"To lives a privilege, to love is such an art. -------------www.larrynorman.com        
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#43
06-21-2006, 11:19 PM
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Quote:
__________________
"To lives a privilege, to love is such an art. -------------www.larrynorman.com
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#44
06-26-2006, 03:03 PM
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Hiya Village,
Oh man, I think things are getting better, that things are stabilizing and BAM something else happens or in this case a few things, and just pull me under the water again. But Im clean and sober. And I have a faith that things will be ok. I believe this because I have confidence I will choose the right path when the time comes. And Im sleeping at night. If I wasnt sleeping I would know my subconscience was screaming at me, and it's not. You know Im being reminded over and over that quiting drugs and alcohol is just the very beginning of this journey. Now Im seeing so many character defects in myself that it's just pathetic. It can get so overwhelming I just want to say screw it Im getting wasted. But I know thats not the answer and it will not make me feel better. I know you all know what Im talking about so an ecouraging word would be cool at this point. You know, just for positive affirmation. I'd prefer a hug but hey, we are online you know. Oh well. No grap action going down. Oops, sorry Dan that was your butt I see. (Note to self--dont display your character defects to the world on a publice website anymore) Whats kind of bizzaar is that all this is happening when I finally feel Im sarting to come into my own you know. Just starting to feel comfortable in my own skin. I replaced Neil with a picture of myself. I didnt even mourn. He's been with me for so long I thought it would be a big deal. It wasnt. I replaced a Neil quote with one of my own. No biggie. Im really starting to get into music, playing and writing like I did before drugs and alcohol. This is a big thing for me. When using took over music just completely stopped. Now it's coming back and it's a little scary to me. I dont quite understand this. So all this rhetoric to ask a simple question, cause I've said before and I'll keep saying it. You Damn well know IM not succint. No one liners Dan. Not for this one. Although it's probably a one line answer. Yes this is normal or Quit feeling sorry for yourself and count your blessings or Read the BB and go to more meetings or just do the right thing. I can think of a 100 one liners and none of them make me feel any better. So maybe this is not a one liner event but a "living on lifes terms" learning lesson. Just having to sqeeze through the hole and wait for the light to appear. (sigh) Ok Love and prayers Bob
__________________
"To lives a privilege, to love is such an art. -------------www.larrynorman.com
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#46
06-26-2006, 03:10 PM
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Yeh well, the groupies get old. everyone needs a little variety. Although maybe not quite that much variety.
Glad to see the legs are back Gabe. It's why I keep comin back!!! (No offense Dan, please dont hit me!!)
__________________
"To lives a privilege, to love is such an art. -------------www.larrynorman.com
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#47
06-26-2006, 03:17 PM
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Quote:
One line from a song 
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#49
06-26-2006, 03:33 PM
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Geeze Man,
Do you two have like his and hers computers? lol I can just see it. His and hers coffee mugs, His and hers hand towels His and hers Bicycle racks His and hers toothebrushes( A must) His and hers Nightlights ect....... Just so disgustingly lovey dovey! Im jealous Bob
__________________
"To lives a privilege, to love is such an art. -------------www.larrynorman.com
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#50
06-26-2006, 03:46 PM
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Bob, one thing I found out pretty quick in sobriety was this.
Yes, it got better, I wasn't drinkin and usin and I was clearheaded (as clearheaded as one can be while the 'fog' slowly lifts, lol), and yet as time went on it still seemed like my life was one crisis after another. Well............i finally figured it out, sort of........it was all that BAD Karma I had been putting out for years and years, and it was going to TAKE TIME for the NEW Karma to grab hold. Lo and behold, sure enough, some pretty nice things started to happen, and crisis after crisis disappeared. You are correct in your list of: Read the BB and go to more meetins, Quit feeling sorry for yourself, Do the next right thing, But the biggie..........GET A SPONSOR is not on there yet, roflmao. When????? Love and hugs,
__________________
 "God Bless You All As You Trudge The Road Of Happy Destiny (especially when you are trudgin thru alligators up to your butt)."
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#52
06-26-2006, 04:49 PM
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Hey Bob...are you at step 4? My advice would be to not be intimidated. Same thing goes for wanting to feel better or good. What is the rush? You have, I imagine, known some considerable misery. Practice just being OK. Same thing facing your character defects. Shame can be pretty useless if your goal is to be OK. Accept your realities as they surface. Acknowlerdge your defects and change from this point on. If you owe amends, you will get to that. Choosing to feel bad about any of it is unproductive-waste of time.
Base your opinion of yourself on who you choose to be right now. You have had a colorful past-stop being impressed by it or wanting to continue suffering for it. If it was bad enough then, then it has to be pretty darn good now, hmm? love-B
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#53
06-26-2006, 08:08 PM
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Quote:
Laurie, as usual your words ring true. Im so sick of the fog. Im not sure how I feel about the Karma deal but it makes sense at first glance. Sponser lol, Ok Laurie you are a constant reminder of how imprtant this is. And I agree. I have my eye on someone Im going to ask in a couple weeks. I've just had such a hard time with this but I see how valuable a sponser would be right now. I think maybe Im just such a high maintenance thinker that they tire of me. And just maybe that high maitenance thinking is a big character defect. (Gee Bob, ya think?-note to self- dont think so much) Quote:
Quote:
Yes I've done step 4. Then I kind of stopped. I need to move forward. Step 4 was a real eye opener. I found that the same things Im pissed at everyone else doing to me are the exact things I do to other people. It was a trip to see it all layed out in front of my eyes. And I am in a rush for everything. I've been dealing with addiction for so long that I forget that Im a newcomer. It sure does not feel that way. Yow know I have to remind myself it's ok to feel good. That really makes me sad. I actually have to say to myself Bob, its ok to feel good, it's ok to be happy, it's ok to be confident, it's ok what your going through it's normal. It's like I have to give myself permission to feel and be human. What makes me sad is the fact that I never learned that. To be ok,to feel happy you know, it's just so foreign to me. There is just so much wisdom in your post Bruce. I havnt even grasped it all yet. I'll be thinking on it for a while. But when you say "to stop being impressed with your passed or wanting to suffer for it" Thats a big problem with me. In a very sick way I think I want to suffer. I believe that Im probably addicted to suffering. It's all I've known. It's my comfort zone. It's what Im used to. I can step back and realize how very sick that is. And I see it in so many other people,especially the people in my life. But to recognize it when it's working, sabotoging, silenty plotting, the secret works of the mind, I overlook I think. Good Lord I just read back and it sounds like a Fricken Sci-Fi novel. I think Im a little meladramatic(note to self-Let go of the drama) lol But I push forward anyway. It's all I know how to do and the only way I know how to do it. To go through all this pshyco-babble until the trueth slaps me in the face and the answer tends to be 2 or 3 sentences long. Hmm, think maybe this is why I cant keep a sponser? Ok next topic. for some reason I've been thinking a lot about my suicide attempt. I dont usually go there. As a matter of fact I never go there. But for some reason it's heavy on my mind. Like Im suppose to learn something very big from it. I cant quite put my finger on it so Im regergitaing my mind here to see If I can see it. I think the reason I never talk about this(well besides the fact it would be a real party crasher, I mean talk about blowing someones high whew) Is because it is so painful. It was an empty,painful,hopeless feeling at a depth I had never felt before and hope I never do again. So I tend to steer clear of it mentally. But I cannot right now. You know I go back and forth with how significant this was. Whether or not it was miracles happening or just coinsidence. Wondering if it's just me being over dramatic again. I just dont know. I remember being extremely drunk. Had been drinking all day since about 5:00am. 6 or seven pints of Vodka. Then having my wife tell me to get out. To never come back. To just go die already. I remember walking trying to find a liquer store that would sell me more alcohol having been rejected by a couple for being too drunk. I remember getting more and feeling relieved. I remeber being in the motel room. It was so dark and lonely. And empty. That what I remember most. Being so damn empty. And so alone. A loneliness I just cant describe. That even God didnt want to look at me anymore. Ok, not sure why Im doimg this now. Im at work and Im crying. Im thinking maybe it's because I have not been back there since it happend and it's time to face it and move forward. I pick the oddest times to do these things. But it's time. And I do it here. Like I got sober at SR. In front of all of you. For some reason that makes it just so much more real to me. I remember just saying screw it. Screw everything, And dumping the whole 100mg bottle of klonapin down my throat. Then I called my sister. Im not sure why. She always looked out for me when I was little Protected me. Maybe I thought she could protect me now. But inside I knew no one would take care of me. I knew I had already died inside. My sister was frantic and kept asking me where I was. I wouldnt tell her and I just hung up. I remember sitting at the edge of the bed. I remember feeling nothing and I didnt want to feel anything ever again. So I drank the bottle of 120 mls of chloral hydrate. I thought ok,then, thats it. I went over to the window. I remember looikng out the window and seeing the sunset and thinking, what the hell happened to my life. How did things get so screwed up. How did I screw up this badly. And I dont remember anything after that. I know what happend though. My sister called my parents and told them she was scared. That something was very wrong. My father called my wife and told her he was worried. My wife told him that she didnt know where I was. That I was probalby dead or on my way to being there. She was done with me. She told me that and I dont blame her. I think. I dont know. I dont know. hmm. My Dad is good friends with the fire dept and he went to the station, told them what was happeneing and they went door to door, motel to motel until they found one they thought I might be at. They were not completely sure. They got a room number from a description. They questioned the other guests but not had seen me go in. Legally they could not break down the door of the motel unless they were absolutely sure I was in there and in trouble. They didnt know. The Captain told my dad, it's your call. He said do it. They broke the door down and found me naked and unconscious on the floor. I had already stopped breathing. They brought me back but were not sure how long I had stopped breathing so there was no way to tell the extent of the brain damage, is what they told my family. So they waited while I was in a coma to see if I would live. Well, obviously I lived cause Im typing. You know I guess I've just written the begining of part 3 of my story. I did not plan on this. It was just time. I dont have control over these things. They just happen. No planning ,no spell check, no fragmented sentence check. It just comes out when it's suppose to. Ok then. There it is. I finally did it. Beleive it or not there is more. But Im way to drained right now to write more. And, Im at work. Crap, I just got payed for doing this. Shhh. Dont tell. I wish some of you lived here. But you do not. So you will just be the invisible people that saved my life. And the invisible people that are helping me carry on and continue this journey. Thanks for reading. Part 3 will come out whenever and wherever it comes out. Love and prayers Bob
__________________
"To lives a privilege, to love is such an art. -------------www.larrynorman.com
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#54
06-26-2006, 08:35 PM
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Quote:
It's that thing, that power greater and other than you, that decides, or I should say, that makes it possible for your eyes, your heart and soul eyes, to revisit those defining moments. Dig it... Once you've surrendered, you're really just along for the ride. All you need to do is keep your ears open for the cues.
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#55
06-26-2006, 09:26 PM
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Bob, I have been in that hotel room, and the attempt did not work. I remember spending 2 whole days in the toilet with a quarter pound of cocaine, trying to do a hot-shot, but either I'd go into convulsions and not get it all, or my veins would collapse. I remember being wakened in the snow, put in an ambulance and being told my feet had frozen and would probably need to be removed. I still have my feet and I am still alive. My first suicide attempt was at age 5. At every one of these instances, I was convinced that some miracle had happened, that some profound thing was to happen next. Well, I'm not waiting to turn in to some super-hero anymore. Life itself is a miracle. I AM. Nothing has to be profound around that. If you believe in miracles, there is no reason to be awed by them. Accept them. Incorporate them into your day. Be grateful, make a joyous noise if it fits your demeanor. Or be humble. Yours is just one story. There are many like it. I have had a couple of counselors tell me I should market my life story. Why? It is mine.
It is possible to over analyze. It is natural to some to try and see the poetry in everything. I do not have the answers, and I have found I don't usually need them. I know what works, I don't need to know why. Keep it simple. And...we are all alone. We may choose to share our lives, there may or may not be people who love us dearly. But life is an intensely personal thing. Loneliness does not stem from solitude. Like I said before, just practice being OK. Even if you are sad-OK. A bit peeved? It's OK. By all means, feel your feelings, but right now today is what you have. And truly in the grand scheme of things-nothing in the past matters at all. Dig? love-B love-B
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#56
06-26-2006, 09:30 PM
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Bob I know many of us that were suicidal. It was not your time or you would not be here.
I myself didn't want to do it to myself, so I was homicidal/suicidal......Waving a loaded gun at 6 "Metro" L.A. Cops (back when there wasn't a one under 6'4"as that was a requirement to be in the "metro division") I would call very suicidal. Well they didn't shoot, but it did take all 6 of them to bring me down and hog tie me in the back of a squad and haul me off to jail. I didn't find out until I was 3 years sober that I did a pretty good number on a few of them. I asked the one that told me that, "Why didn't they shoot? I wanted them to." He said he didn't know, they just all hesitated seeing if there was another way to subdue me. That my friend, in my book was my HP working in my life. The irony to the whole thing is that, that incident happened in December of '79 a year and a half before I got sober finally. HP was working for me too. HP's want us here for some reason. So I guess you better start living the message you're still here to carry to others.Your HP ain't done with you yet, lol. JMHO Love and (((((to all))))),
__________________
"God Bless You All As You Trudge The Road Of Happy Destiny (especially when you are trudgin thru alligators up to your butt)."
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#57
06-26-2006, 11:40 PM
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geeze, you guys are nucking futs man!!!
I was just kidding!! (I wish) Thanks people. I knew I'd get the correct responses from you faceless gems. lol Bruce,your Nuts I have some pretty funny stories(at least they are funny now.Not at all at the time) about me and needles. I always had trouble hitting the vein. There would be a pool of blood on the floor and still no vein. I was like Damn I know Im hitting something look at all the blood. (ever heard of capillary's someone once joked to me.) Laurie, Now your nucking futs! A loaded gun at six cops. Oh lord. And Dan, well I think we all know how nuts you are . And the fact I pick the oddest times to unload. Quote:
Hell no Im not over dramatic. When I read your posts it reminded me when I first got clean and I was in a meeting and this guy said he had been in a coma. I thought, wow, a guy I can relate to. So I shot my hand up and proudly announced I had just been in a coma. Another guy raised his hand and said yeh, I was in a coma. And then another and another and another. And then one guy says I flatlined twice. Then, I flatlined three times. I kid you not almost every damn person in that room had either been in a coma or flatlined. Being in a coma or being brought back from the dead isnt even a record around here. I do overanylize. Sometimes thats good sometimes thats bad. But I know I've been just scraping for stablilty lately. It's like falling down a hole grabing for the sides and the dirt just crumbling in your hands. And I think thats why that came out when it did. I needed to be reminded of what I have already been through and realize what Im going through now doesnt even compare. I lose site of that sometimes. A lot of times. And Bruce what you said about miracles is so valid. They happen all around us every damn day but usually my eyes are to shielded by selfishness to see them. And Laurie, "about living the message you're still here to carry to others" Amen to that. Thats a very powerful thing. Hey can I take all of you home with me? We would kill each other within 24 hrs I think. Thank God for Cybervision. Thanks all. I feel a little better Love and prayers Bob
__________________
"To lives a privilege, to love is such an art. -------------www.larrynorman.com
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#59
06-29-2006, 03:51 PM
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Well I just did this really long post and accidentally deleted it. Arent you luck!
Oh well, must have said something I shouldnt of. Balloon ride? Im in. What a strange month this has been. Difficult but growing pains just the same. You know I had to make some decisions that were not easy for me. And I had to choose between what I thought was right vs what felt good and what I wanted to do. I chose to do the right thing( I hold on to the right to change my mind in a minutes notice however if new information is received) And you know Im not the "do the right thing even if it feels bad" kind of guy. I was talking to a friend last night and was asking him if me post all this crap that I do was weird. And he assured me that it was not. I get confused on that sometimes. And that re-living the suicide time frame was also not wierd but normal. Thanks for that. That meant a lot. Oh wait NEWS FLASH Andre Agassi just won his second round match at Wimbledon. Cool Second seed and number 2 in the word Nadal is two sets to one down to qualifying american who is ranked 237 in the world. Huge upset in the making here! Ok think Im a tennis fan??? Your right, im a tennis fanatic!! Ok, anyway, I was starting to really feel sorry for myself and going somewhere I shouldnt mentaly cause I was thinking these problems I was facing were really tough. And God took that oppertunity to show me otherwise. It was like KA-BLAM "remember this? You want difficult? this was difficult Bob. You want to go back there? Be grateful you little baby I saved your ass. " And I re-lived that horrific time. It was hard to do but it was also necessary. It was a cleansing thing and a lesson. To realize that I will take these problems over those problems any day. And I'll be happy and positve in the process. And on the plus side I felt some things I thought I would never feel again. That was a good thing. (Thanks H.P.) Not Higher Power, although Im thankful to him as well. My God always knows what's best. And never fails to show me which direction I need to go. And I think I did the next right thing. Now I'll look for the next right thing. Well, there has been this song running in my head for the last week. With me it's always about music. I also finished a song I started long ago and never finished. It was cool. And I feel another one coming. But this song,I dont really know why, is stuck in my head. I tried to email Dan to get it on the song for the day but HIS EMAIL IS FULL. Dan, You are so popular!!! Clear it out pal!!! You got work to do. But the sone is by the Eagles "new kid in town" It's really hitting home to me right now for some reasong. New Kid In Town There's talk on the street; it sounds so familiar Great expectations, everybody's watching you People you meet, they all seem to know you Even your old friends treat you like you're something new Johnny come lately, the new kid in town Everybody loves you, so don't let them down You look in her eyes; the music begins to play Hopeless romantics, here we go again But after awhile, you're lookin' the other way It's those restless hearts that never mend Johnny come lately, the new kid in town Will she still love you when you're not around? There's so many things you should have told her, but night after night you're willing to hold her, Just hold her, tears on your shoulder There's talk on the street, it's there to Remind you, that it doesn't really matter which side you're on. You're walking away and they're talking behind you They will never forget you 'til somebody new comes along Where you been lately? There's a new kid in town Everybody loves him, don't they? Now he's holding her, and you're still around Oh, my, my There's a new kid in town Ooh, hoo Everybody's talking 'bout the new kid in town Ooh, hoo Everybody's walking' like the new kid in town There's a new kid in town There's a new kid in town I don't want to hear it There's a new kid in town I don't want to hear it There's a new kid in town There's a new kid in town There's a new kid in town Love and Prayers to all Bob
__________________
"To lives a privilege, to love is such an art. -------------www.larrynorman.com
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#60
06-29-2006, 04:57 PM
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Song for Life
Ok aother song thats been in my brain.
Last one. If I post all the songs in my head on a given day it would take up all the space Neil Young Are you Passionate? Are you passionate? Are you livin' like you talk? Are you dreamin' now that you're goin' to the top? Are you negative, In a world that never stops, Turnin' on you? Turnin' on me? Turnin' on you? Are you loving it? Can you ever get enough of it? Is it everything? A love that never stops, Comin' to you? Comin' to me? Comin' to you? Once I was a soldier, I was fighting in the sky, And the gunfire kept comin' back on me. So I dove into the darkness, And I let my missles fly. And they might be the ones, That kept you free. Once I was a prisoner, I was riding in a truck, Cleaned up for public display. I looked at those around me, And when they looked at me, I let them see my soul that day. Are you scared of it? Do you wish that it would stop? Does it bother you when you hear your spirit talk? Well I'm right with you, Yes I'm right with you. It's working on me, It's working on you. It's working on me.
__________________
"To lives a privilege, to love is such an art. -------------www.larrynorman.com
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