Afraid to change.

[Autumn]

This is gonna be a long one. I wanted to wait until later, but I couldn't sleep, and it was on my mind all night at work.

One reason I haven't posted regularly in the friends/family/relationships forums is because I'm aware that my situation is something I continue to choose for myself. It seems like asking questions is pointless, when the obvious answer is "Well, why don't you leave then?" Well, I have an interim problem now....

Last night D2 and I had a pretty vicious argument. Naturally, he started in on one of his drunken tirades, and I took the bait. So I argued back. He accused me of losing/misplacing his frigging c-clamps. He ranted about the electric bill. He complained about my Mother (who, btw, is at my Grandma's since she had surgery yesterday). The usual, petty BS.

All along, pacifying and ignoring him were what I thought passed for boundaries. I do things I don't want to do, or things that aren't my responsibility.

Well, after our argument, instead of wanting to make up right away, I thought about leaving again. Things are really starting to shift into focus. The more sober time I have and the more positive change I experience, the more work I realize he needs.

I'm increasingly resentful toward him. I have been sober for a year, and barely able to enjoy it. Especially since I view his alcohol abuse/addiction/fetish - whatever - as a behavior and not a disease, I'm hard-pressed to muster any empathy. He's such an ugly drunk, that his alcohol use never tempted me after I got sober, seeing his true drunken ugliness in all its hideous reality. Because I view his drinking as a behavior, I feel that he has been extremely inconsiderate of my recovery. Same with smoking too. I'll be honest - I think he's weak. Weak men don't score many points with me. I'm a strong woman - I expect my man to be a least equally strong, if not stronger. He has told me he wants to die (this after being diagnosed with beginning stage emphysema). Well buddy, you can curl up in your hollow log and die, but I hope you can wipe your own ass while you're at it. How dare him expect me to sit back and nurse him while he dies? What an insult.

I was in such a fabulous mood yesterday, and I left for work utterly exhausted. Gee, these things are so emotionally draining. He's really starting to tear me down.

What I'm noticing more and more often is that my resolve to leave is becoming as strong as my resolve to stay. Soon - I just know - the scales will tip.

Also more apparent is my decreased tolerance for his childish tantrums. I used to ignore them. I still do, but not as often. It's a curious oddity that I'm noticing them more often, or that I allow them to penetrate my invisible barrier.

But - I'm afraid to change. Almost everything I do for him, from babying and soothing him out of his tantrums to driving him here and there has all been a farce for the sake of keeping the peace. So I'm afraid if I say to him "No, I won't do this," the rage and emotional/verbal abuse he will inflict upon me. I'm also afraid that he will sense my behavior changes in setting boundaries and in my physical preparations for leaving (I need a plan, but I'll start a thread on that later) and how I'll handle any unfavorable reactions.

Because I think I'm done depriving myself of the reality that I live with a monster.

Thanks for reading.

xo