The Guilt......

[Electric]

I cannot sleep anymore, I think about everything I have done wrong in My life,Who I have hurt,who I have made happy,who iz here, who I have left behind. Why did I do what I did when I did it, why did I hurt everyone so bad.My drinking and drug use destroyed so much more than I ever thought it would. Now all the past iz catching up to me in my face,slapping me every time I close My eyez. It iz so hard to find serenity in my sobriety in My own mind, when I am still worrying about how everyone else iz doing . When I do sleep, if I am lucky, it iz for (I am seeing) maybe long enough to get into a good rem stage and then I awake from nightmarez, the hate I still feel towards myself is still very strong, I can say I am proud and happy,but my subconciuos tells no liez.I am still seriuosly Screwed up inside. Everything I have ever tried to do I Screwed it up,I have never been able to hold a job,an intimate relationship,or even myself together at timez. theze are a few thingz ,of many, that haunt me when I close My eyez. Sometimez late at night whenI am alone and everyone sleepz , I think of how I am going to face the next day, will I be az sad, happier? or just plain numb to the fact that I am destined to continue this pattern of doing what I have to do , then coming home,then trying to sleep and trying to get rid of all my past b.s. Somewhere along the linez I obviuosly wasn't listening to someone who waz trying to intervene in My life, i just did what I felt was the right thing to do,and also the wrong thing,knowing in the end, I would have to pay the ultimate price,dealing with it later rather than then. My whole life iz not exactly a disaster, My Kidz are the one true miracle I have! and For that I live on!And now My Grandchild. wow , how rightous iz that! So I will end this, with the fact that someday I will sleep,and awaken,and feel like I want to feel,honorable,clean in mind and spirit ,body and soul,and know that I am still a good person. And if that doesn't work , Screw it! I will never give up trying! It haz to happen sometime in this life.