Reflections - A Dawg's Tale

[CDawg]

Hi Folks,

I've been doing a bit of reflection on my life and some of the things that have been going on in it. Today is my Birthday in more ways than one. It's also the 10 year Anniversary of my "Clean Day". So today, I'm going to take a reflective look at some of the ways that my thinking has grown and evolved over the years. So buckle up folks. This may prove to be a very interesting ride....

Self Esteem, and Lack Thereof

When I first entered recovery, my self esteem was at an all-time low. Over the course of the past four years my body weight had dropped from 185 to an alarming 142. I was gaunt, almost skeletal in appearance. I had smoked myself homeless and jobless. I had been forbidden to come to my mothers house by my step fatther, and had to sneak over to see my mother. I felt like I had thrown my life away. I was useless and hopeless. I was ready to end it. For three nights running, I stood in the center of the Eads bridge over the Mississippi River and tried to come up with the courage to jump.

This all changed after the intervention by my brother which led to me spending my birthday in detox on my way to a 21-day rehab at the VA in St. Louis. After those three weeks I entered the Domicilary Program for Homeless Vets in this same facility. And it was here that the seeds of change were truly planted. I read "Rational Living", by Dr. Albert Ellis. One of my groups was titled by the same name, and it was here that I became exposed to "USA - Unconditional Self Acceptance", by Nick Rajovic, and the ABC Tool of REBT. And three people - Vic DiSimone, Ginger Frank, and Gary Mueller, continuously drilled into my head the fact that I DO have self worth; not based upon my actions but rather based upon the very nature of my existence. "I am NOT my behavior." Using drugs is what I did, not who I am.

Learning Hard Lessons

So I totally immersed myself into my recovery. It's all that I lived and breathed for the next two years. Along with REBT and the SMART Face to Face meetings that I once attended and was now facilitating, I was also very active in AA and NA. I had a home group in each and chaired meetings for them as well. And I was more than willing to share my ESH with everyone, because I had CHANGED AND GROWN!!!! My weight was back up around 160. I was exercising; playing basketball again. I had new friends that didn't use or drink. I had a new job, and I was saving money. And recovery was my entire life. So what went wrong?

There's an easy answer to that question. Recovery was my entire life. I had no balance. If it didn't have to do with recovery or work, I wasn't interested in it. My friends were recovery friends. My basketball league was a recovery league. And after about 2 1/2 years, I became sick of recovery and the people in it. I had already trained a new facilitator for the Face to face, so I stopped attending. I stopped going to my home groups, because the more that I studied 12 step, the more philosophical differences sprouted up between my beliefs and what I was reading. But as I look back, that was nothing more than an excuse that I gave myself to stop attending those as well. I was sick of recovery, remember? I even took a job that sent me around the country so that I could use the excuse of being in a new place to not attend meetings. And this even worked for a couple of years. But what was missing from this picture? Sobriety maintenance!!!!! I fell out of touch with the recovery community, and I stopped doing the things that I needed to do in order to keep myself focused on the path that I wished to maintain. And it all came to a head during the month of February, 2004.



FALLING – ONE BAD DAY

After a little over two years in a relationship, things were not going well. And my inability to communicate with her was the focal point of that. I wasn’t practicing the coping skills that I had learned. Instead of facing problems head on, I would revert into what she called my “fetal position”. I was like an ostrich, sticking my head into the sand, and hoping that the difficulties that I was facing would go away if I ignored them. But of course they didn’t, and my not facing them only served to exaggerate them. My home turned into a hostile environment, and my thoughts turned more and more to finding an escape. I started going to strip bars. Why? I was looking to feel wanted. And let’s be honest here. As long as you’re spending money, you’re REALLY wanted. The only problem with this is that it’s an illusion – a fantasy. But of course, it’s not cheating because I’m not sleeping with any of these women, right? I’m just getting an emotional need fulfilled. My need to be needed. But here’s the crux of the matter. Doesn’t this sound like addictive behavior to you guys? Because it does to me. I was already driving down the road to relapse, and I was speeding.

It all came to a head on February 21st. I picked a fight with her because it gave me an excuse to walk out. At that time I owned a ’95 Monte Carlo. It had one of those keys with a computer chip in it that costs almost $100 to duplicate. So I didn’t do it. But I had a key to HER 2000 Monte. Hell, I made more than a few payments on it so it was OUR car, right? Which car do you think I took? Bingo, the ’00, so she was stranded and couldn’t come and look for me. Mine was in the shop getting a new fuel pump installed. Now those of you who are reading and have done street drugs know this – WE KNOW USERS WHEN WE SEE EACH OTHER. And we know where to find it if we want it. And that’s exactly what I did. I found it. And 4 1/2 years of sobriety went up in a puff of smoke. But you know what’s funny? When you KNOW that you’re doing wrong, you can’t enjoy the high. I spent almost $500. And I didn’t enjoy a dime of it.

When I got back home the next morning, my bags were already packed. She had had enough, and I couldn’t blame her. She gave me an hour to take a shower and make a call or two. I went to a park right around the corner from our place, but had to cross interstate 435 to get there. And I stood in the middle of that bridge across the highway, watching the traffic go by and wondering how I managed to screw my life up yet again. Less than 24 hours ago I had close to $600 cash in my pocket, a job, a home, and a woman that loved me. Now I had no job (no call no show=fired), no home, and $32 in my wallet. And I STILL couldn’t bring myself to jump. I walked to QT and got a 40 oz of beer to ease the jitters. Then I went into the park and sat at a picnic table and drank and cried. I looked up to the sky and asked, “Please help me.”

And then I heard a rustling across the creek. I looked over to the other bank and caught the gaze of a buck. He was huge, with a 10 point rack and a bevy of does surrounding him – at least 10. He held my gaze, and as I looked into his eyes I saw a combination of intelligence and mercy. As I looked into his eyes I was transported back to 1998, on the campus of J*****son /barracks VA Medical Center, the place where I had done my rehab over 4 ½ years ago. There was a place where I used to sit by the Mississippi River and watch the deer feed in the evenings. If you sat quietly they would come as close as 10-20 feet away from you. As this deer stared at me from across the creek, it almost seemed as if he was talking to me.

“Do you remember what worked? And where you went to make it work?”

I got up and started walking. Five hours and 18 miles later, I walked into the ER at the VA here in Kansas City. I was so dehydrated that it took 2 IV’s to get fluids into my body. And yet they refused to admit me. I dodged security and spent the night in the smoking lounge. The next morning, I went to a detox which paved the way for me to get back into treatment five days later. My self-inflicted nightmare was ending……

RISING AGAIN

Towards the end of my treatment I started getting more free time during the day, and I used it to start researching other viable treatment options. The VA treatment program here was nothing like St. Louis. There was no REBT, and I knew in my heart that there was no way that I was going to be able to continue on my path without it. Fortunately, there was a resource library at the hospital for the patients use. So I googled SMART Recovery, and found the website that I hadn’t had access to during these past 4 ½ years. I devoured the information, which at the time seemed totally at odds with the 12-step stuff that I was forced to endure on a daily basis.

When I graduated treatment on 3/16, I was faced with two choices for transitional living. Remember, I had been kicked out of my house and had nowhere to go. I chose Benilde Hall for three reasons – it was close to downtown with easy bus access; it had a vigorous continuing recovery program in place; and it had a computer lab. And on 3/23, I finally formally joined SMART Recovery as a member online.

I dove into SOL with both feet. I spent all of my available free time online, attending as many meetings as I could and getting a full refresher course in REBT. I met many wonderful people who are friends to this day. Some of them are members here as well, like Don S, cody, leaf, afrita, and many others. By June I was facilitating meeting online again. And by September I was hosting at least three meetings a week. By the following summer I had met and fell in love with my ex, and had moved across the country to be with her. I was also expanding my role at SOL exponentially. I worked on committees that wrote SOL policy. I was an MB moderator, and with the help of two other longtime volunteers, played a part in forming a committee of volunteers who had the job of ensuring the safety of the SOL chat rooms. So what went wrong this time?

MORE HARD LESSONS


I am, to this day, a very confident person. And if you didn’t know me, you could very easily misconstrue this confidence as arrogance. I truly believed in my heart that there was no one that I couldn’t touch, and then guide along the path to change. But there are things that happened over the course of this time that my true friends know about, but for confidentiality reasons, I cannot discuss here. I don’t think that it’s fair to discuss folks without their permission. And it’s not necessary to rehash old business of another site. But suffice it to say this. I had no balance. I was online almost 24/7 to the exclusion of most of the rest of my life. As my relationship was deteriorating, I was also going thru another traumatic experience. And it was during this time that Don S was more than just a friend – he was the rock that I clung to while working thru this. He called me on my BS, and forced me to look inward. And thru this turbulent time of my life, I changed from a guy that just knew about REBT tools and how to teach them to someone who was finally starting to actively use them in order to maintain my sanity. And here’s the funny thing. Don and I don’t talk much. But I know that he’s always at the other end of my internet connection when I need him, if only just to pick his brain.

Another person that I want to mention is Shari Allwood, the Executive Director of SMART Recovery. We talk about everything and nothing, from sports to little crazy stuff. And she’s one of my closest friends. She’s another rock of support in my life.

When I got back to St. Louis in 12/06, I was a basket case. I checked myself into the VA on the advice from an old counselor for a psych evaluation. I was diagnosed as suffering from acute episodic depression. But I had come full circle, back to the place where I had got clean the first time. I found an internet connection and came back to the Village for the first time since I joined in ’06. And you guys welcomed me back with open arms. And Chy, my heroine, was the first to express concern over my being gone. All of you, from Little Missy, Miss Done, V, my Cuz, RMan, Gi, Indie, cody (whom I cannot express my thanks for all you’ve done for me), Fifi, Ron, Ahoy Sax (who has been a friend for years), Kym, Peggy, and if you don’t see your name it’s because there are too many to count.

Some of the biggest lessons that I’ve learned are also some of the hardest ones. Here are a few, taken from a post of mine titled “What I’ve Learned” :

I’VE LEARNED that when you do the wrong thing for the right reasons, you’re STILL doing the wrong thing - the end most of the time doesn’t justify the means. I’ve learned that doing the right thing for the wrong reasons doesn’t really make it a good thing, because it can and usually will cause resentment and underlying anger by the doer towards the recipient, and vice versa.

I’VE LEARNED that there is a major fundamental difference between knowing something in your head and knowing it in your heart. Knowing it in your head is simply possessing that information, and knowing it in your heart gives you impetus and motivation to act on it. For is information really knowledge if we do not utilize it? Does it help for me to know every tool in the toolbox if I never remove them to the light of day and put them to practical use? Living the tools is far healthier than simply knowing them.

I’VE LEARNED that some battles are not meant to be waged with righteous anger, even though it’s okay to feel that anger. I’ve learned that imperfect people make imperfect decisions, and it’s really not rational to hold fallible people to a standard of infallibility that none of us can achieve (okay, so that one took a little time). I’ve learned how to better process anger, so as not to let it fester inside of me in ways that are harmful for me.

I'VE LEARNED that "balance" isn't as elusive as I once thought it was. That there is an entire world outside my door, and there really isn't an umbilical cord connecting me to this PC. My life is healthier when I have a wide variety of interests.

I’VE LEARNED that it’s okay to be wrong sometimes and that keeping the peace may require a bit more tact and diplomacy, especially if I’m right .

I’VE LEARNED that even though it is wonderful to be well thought of by others, the most important person that I must face each day is the one that looks out of my mirror at me every morning. It is he that I must forge a relationship with. And when I’m doing the right thing for the right reasons, He's usually looking back at me with a smile.

I'VE LEARNED that the fundamental principle of USA is the simple matter of being comfortable in my own skin, and knowing that it's okay to be me, with all of my imperfections, because being me is pretty good these days.

I'VE LEARNED that it is what it is - life occasionally tosses you a curve or two. And when it does, it's more satisfying to keep both feet in the batters box and try to make contact with that curveball. I've also learned that it's not necessary to swing for the fences all the time. Bunts can win a game, too. I've learned that the sun rises every morning whether I can see it or not, and it's still up to me to decide how I'm going to greet that day.



TODAY

It’s been a long journey to this point. A few weeks ago I got into a cyber argument with a very close friend. And she and my GF both asked me the same question about 30 minutes apart. “Why are you holding on to so much of that crap from the past?” And I didn’t have an answer for that one. So I deleted two folders full of information from my tumultuous time back in 2005. Every email. And I feel so much freer these days, and more balanced. So what you see from me today is a guy that has learned more than a few hard lessons, and who gets by with a little help from my friends. And the most important lesson that has been engraved upon my forehead, is that LIFE REALLY IS 10% WHAT HAPPENS TO ME AND 90% HOW I RESPOND TO THAT - AND SO IT IS WITH YOU…



I love you guys….

Peace,

C