My Story year 2

[Muse]

This was originally posted 7-09-06. I thought I would post it here to document my journey in sobriety.


Another sober year has ticked by. This makes two years now. I am still very grateful for each sober day. Not a day goes by where I don't think back to my drinking days and count my blessings. I know what the alternative is. If there is a h#ll on earth I found it and encountered it for way too long. The sad thing is, it was by my choice. Thank God I finally came to a realization that what I was doing was insanity and was suicide not by choice. I didn't want to die. I just wanted to be happy. Sadly, the path I had chosen for happiness was killing me.

The last drink I took still remains vivid in my mind two years later. The drink lasted for nine days straight. Looking back, it was what I needed to do to find sobriety. It literally scared the h#ll out of me and scared me sober. I experienced insanity from all angles and finally got a complete look at how deranged my choices were. For crying out loud, I was putting myself through this lunacy by my own choice. However, how simple as it would seem to just stop, I couldn't put down the drink. I needed help. It is so true when they say that you have to hurt enough to finally quit.

I still attend AA meetings. My view on the program has lightened up quite a bit. I'm not quite as absolute as I used to be. The last year has been entirely devoted to change within me and growth. The first six months of sobriety were difficult. Not in the not drinking aspect, but with dealing with emotions and uncertainties in my life. After I finally went back to work, I could take a big sigh of relief and thank God for the opportunities that lay ahead. I can honestly say that I have not had a close call with drinking in the entire past two years. Sure, the thoughts wiggle their way into my mind. How could they not? Drinking was such an integral part of my life for so long. There is going to be association with many things I encounter. All I have to do is think back to my last drink and recall just how successful it was. At that point, the thoughts flee. I have a back up plan as well. When I happen to be close to alcohol and find my self looking at it and worrying about how easy it would be to enter into insanity again, I send a shout out to my HP for strength. I get a lot of comfort from that. He has led me to where I am today. I don't believe he is going to let me down now. I am quite happy with where I am at. There is no comparison between then and now, of course not.

I am opening my mind to alternative ways of recovery, not for myself, but for others. At least not at this time. I am trying to work with my program. It has worked amazing well for me and I find that to be a miracle. I am trying to be more tolerant to others and their choices. Who is to say that AA is the only way to get sober? It certainly has been the subject of many debates on these forums. I think it is only considerate to listen and ponder the possibilities. I don't want to close my mind to new possibilities. That would lead to no where. I want to take a look at things from all perspectives. Sometimes you've got to get a look from a different angle at times. It is amazing how different things may look if you do. Not everything is simply black and white. I believe that there are areas of grey. I have been told otherwise, but today I will continue to believe that there are shades of grey. How could there not be? The Grateful Dead tell us it is so.

I firmly believe that sobriety comes from the will and desire to achieve it. You have to want it completely and be willing to commit to it wholeheartedly. If you aren't ready, no program is going to work. Half measures in anything aren't going to get the best results possible. Today, I find myself wondering if I had worked a different program of recovery would I have been successful at it as well? I guess where I am getting at is I had the desire and with that I had everything I needed to succeed. I don't want to seem a trader to the program of AA. I owe my life to the people and the program. I am a believer that it works. How can I not believe? I entered the program a broken person, and have come out whole. I will stand by the program of AA for now. I am exploring new ideas and that is okay, as long as I don't fall into trouble. If I ever feel as if I'm slipping back into troubled waters I know I would head straight for the tables of AA. In fact, I was just their last night. It was a great meeting.

The most amazing thing about recovery is what you discover in life. I have discovered peace, security, trust and happiness. Anger and resentment is something that I am not very familiar with most times. It used to be front and center at all times. I am amazed by the transformation of being filled with so much bitterness, anger and resentment and now being free from its constant weight. If I become angry at something, with work it is soon forgotten and can be let go . How did that ever happen? I welcome the processes of letting go. I am also free from fear. My life was filled with fear and insecurities. I now have full confidence that I will be provided for. If I haven't been shown that yet, I must be blind. My HP has walked with me the entire path to where I am today. He has lead me to this point. I am happy with where I have landed, and look forward to the journey and the possibilities ahead. I no longer get caught up in the pettiness of life that used to devour me. Which is difficult to do at times. There are those that insist in pulling you into their dramas. I can do my best to resist against their tug 'o' wars.

I can not help but notice other people's behavior and I recognize myself in them. I recognize how I used to be, and if I'm not careful will fall back into that old behavior. I see it in others and I can feel it starting to rise in me. Such as impatience or rudeness, or selfishness. It stands out to me because I am so familiar with it, but am aware that I no longer need to get caught up into personally. I can recognize it and stop it before it takes over me. I also can see the good in people. They illuminate with goodness and kindness. With every bad, I can see good. It is thrilling to be so aware of my surroundings again. There was a time I didn't know what day of the week it was. Each day blurred into the next. That would explain why everything appears so succinct to me today. The clarity of life is thrilling. I never realized what I was missing before. I guess you can't miss what you don't know. Today I can feel happiness and joy. Something I used to think I was not meant to experience, obviously warped thinking from a very sick mind.

Today I am healing and hope I continue to heal. Not every day is rosy and full of joy, but the good days out number the bad days by far. I am very happy to take that any day. I will continue to do what I've been doing. I don't want to lose what I've got. I use to sit and worry how I was going to rebuild all the damage I had done. It is a wonderful feeling to be in the midst of rebuilding. I have a long way to go, but the path isn't nearly as far. I am making head way and I am eternally grateful for that. To come so far emotionally and personally is indeed a blessing for someone like me who did their best to throw away their life. God would not allow me to be so careless with life. He had other plans for me. I have been given a second chance at living and I will do whatever it takes to hang onto that. Life is still filled with sadness and pain. I know whatever comes my way, I will face sober and will be given strength to endure it. To be able to have that comfort is quite a stretch for me. I used to give up before the battle. I had no strength and had lost hope. That is no longer true.

I have become a fighter and I will fight for my life. Looking back on the last two years, what an amazing experience. Each thing happening for a reason, happening so I could learn and grow. Things magically falling into place as they should be. Being able to accept things for what they are without letting denial takes over. What a relief to be moving forward. Yep, there is no comparison between then and now, and for that I am forever grateful. I have some ups and downs with my program. At this point I think the best thing for me is to stick with AA. It is my security blanket. Truthfully, I don't know how far I could stray from it. It was my solid ground and security. It after all saved my life. I don't want to risk losing that. I think my main problem is we are such a small town with little choices. I would like to explore other groups and see how I fit in, such as a woman's group. Variety is lacking. However, I trust my group and they mean a lot to me. I won't ever forget that.

I started writing this thread awhile back. Since writing that I have had some experiences that have made me look at things differently. One is I have faced some things at work that have shaken me a bit. I became very angry and resentful toward a co-worker and couldn't shake it like I expected I should. It made me realize that every thing doesn't always come as easily as expected. I'm almost glad that I had to feel the anger and resentment so heavily so I could come to the realization that things take work. I really had to work at getting past this and I'm still working at it, a new revelation. My old emotions are capable of rearing their ugly head. Things are getting better and I know I have more bumps ahead. I will have to learn to roll with the punches. If I can’t, I must come up with a viable plan that will work. I can't act on emotion only. I have to look beyond that. I'm working on the process. The good news is I've come a long way baby and that is amazing. Not drinking is the easy part. I'm all about the growth now. It is a wonderful thing.