5 Years after the fact

[Muse]

Well here it is five years after my last drink. It has been three years since I’ve written about my recovery and how my life has changed, and changed it has. I have been through many ups and downs. The difference being, I went through them without being filled with fear. Fear took precedence in my life when I was drinking. Sure, there is uncertainty of the unknown, but deep down, I felt that everything would turn out fine, and they have.

I have been to court four times, sued for debt. I have been through a restructuring of my job with the possibility of losing it. I have battled a mortgage payment that took two years to clear up and paid off another that I thought I would never be rid of. I wonder how I ever managed it. It is much like the biblical oil lamp that kept burning and never ran out of oil. It just happened and I’m grateful for having that behind me.

I have been through a garnishment of wages, a difficult relationship with my mother, and finally, bankruptcy. I felt that was my only option to get out of my financial debt. After two years of being unemployed and living off of credit cards, paying two mortgages, food, all expenses, debt piled up and accrued more debt. You get the picture. I filed myself, online, without a lawyer. I saved a bundle of money and that too is behind me. My debts have been discharged and I get a second chance at building my credit. I have had a second chance at second chances, the first being a second chance at life after finding sobriety. I'm still a bit shocked that the long financial battle is over. I kept waiting for a bump to hit, but it never did. That is a good sign. Things are looking up.

I no longer attend AA. I have stayed sober without it, but believe in the process. I believe the power of prayer is amazing. Going into recovery, I was not much of a God person. I have learned that there is a power much greater than I and it is amazing. It has saved my ass and brought me to a new dimension in life. Something I never would have found had it not been for my alcoholism. That is what makes me a grateful alcoholic.

That statement is difficult for many still struggling to understand. How can anyone be grateful for being a alcoholic? My ism and suffering has led me to a place of being whole after being so shattered and broken. The suffering teaches us the true meaning of gratitude. Not a day goes by where I do not reflect back and remember where I was and remind myself how easily it could happen again. I work on not allowing that to happen and keep moving forward. It is my responsibility to stay on top of it. The bad memories are a great motivator.

Thank God for one day at a time and one step in front of another. Albeit, some days felt like one step forward and two steps back, but eventually I made headway. There are bad days along with the good, but that is life. The key is getting through life sober and dealing with our problems, the way they were meant to be dealt with, sober.

The biggest thing I have learned through the past five years is faith. Even In my darkest hour, tomorrow will be a new day and things will work themselves out. There is always a solution. I have faith and I have always been taken care of and provided for, even after all possibilities seem exhausted. The solution will show itself. I don’t expect that will change now. Through perseverance and faith, I can overcome and find a solution to any of life’s problems. That realization is amazing and very comforting.

After re-reading over my story after my first year of sobriety, I can see there are many typos and errors, not that doesn't still happen today, but I really worked on editing that story. I can see that my brain was struggling and trying to recover from the damage I had put it through. I am grateful that the fog has lifted and I still have a memory that works pretty well. What we do to our bodies is mind boggling. I’m so glad to have that behind and I have nothing but new possibilities ahead. The future looks bright and I am relieved to sit comfortable in my own skin.

I continue to strive for growth, spiritual and emotional. This is my main focus after sobriety. The knowledge and strength that are gained through overcoming hardship are, without a doubt, extremely valuable. That is the best lesson I can ever learn. I continue to have peace and faith, faith more so than ever. When the solution to a problem falls into my lap, it sends chills up my spine.

The power of recovery is amazing. I remember in my first six months of recovery I was so impatient. I wanted things to happen now. I was sober, doing the right things. Why wasn't everything fixed then? Haha . . . well I now understand it doesn’t work that way. How long does it take to clean up the wreckage of our past? For me, it took five years. It was worth every second, every minute, every day. I am overcome with gratitude, humility and joy, things I thought impossibly to achieve. Once again, I’m grateful to be wrong. Life is good and I am happy. I still am blessed for each sober day. Without my sobriety, I have nothing.

What a wonderful community here that has supported me and pushed me through the tough days. You all mean the world to me and I couldn’t have done it without you. You all are very important to me and your warm hearts and generosity astounds me and touches me in a way like no other. You are a wonderful group. Simply, thank you.


LeAnne