Sober Senior

[Pink]

Remembering clearly what happened to me is difficult. I keep coming up with slightly different stories when I attempt to tell my story to others, and even when I review it for myself. The best I came do at any one time, as my mind clears and as I understand more, is to be about 90% accurate. So in a few general words here is the story of a lifetime of dealing with a dark companion - alcohol.
• In my early teenage years I began to drink. I didn’t really like it, not the taste not the out of control feeling. But was attracted to it and the bar crowd, especially the summer beach bar scene.
• In my twenties I found God, church and fell in love. When I married we became busy in church and with our life. I felt God did not want me to drink at all. Soon children came and we both worked when they got in school. I had a career and good family life for over a decade.
• One day the drinking started again by suddenly getting blasted at a picnic, with free booze and beer. I got wasted and very sick, I wished that I vomited. I had bed spins for a whole day and was very ill in bed for two days.
• Guess you could say I then became a functioning alcoholic, but I don’t really like labels. My drinking was moderate and seemed to be in control. I rarely got drunk and never was in any legal or social trouble. Family life did become tense for that decade because we both had changed and times had changed. My career continued OK. The divorce happened and I quit drinking for a year to be safe. When I really began a single life as a single parent, the drinking socially resumed with some party drinking and party drugs once or twice a month.
• More decades slipped by as a “social drinker”, some elder care of Mom began, and outside relationships slowly went. Got a shrink, a good medical doctor and legal Rx (no street drugs). Still drank, I functioned outwardly reasonably well. I buried my Dad (heart), brother (alcoholic) retired and still lived with Mom. She died a very elderly lady and my steady fulltime drinking began like a second career. I am not sure how much I drank; but, it was steady sipping, during all waking hours for a few years. The housework, the yard work, and all other things were let go. My mental health took a nosedive, I seldom went out. If I had a social worker coming into the house, they would have hauled me away and taken away my pets.
• I knew about AA because my brother was involved for a few years before he died. I finally recognized that: --- When I drank for energy - I did not have any. When I drank to sleep - I was up all night. When I drank to calm myself - I became more agitated. The booze was now my enemy. I went to AA in a nearby town where no one knew me, and then I got active in the local program. Slowly I began to face the reality of who and what I became … a servant to a substance. Finally I began to see why God did not want me to drink in the first place.

It is a help to me to hear about others who have had similar problems. I was self-medicating with bad medicine. I was trying to help myself deal with faulty thinking and mental health issues which go way back, by using booze to dull the pain of life and quiet my busy mind. Calming my busy thoughts were one of my many reasons for steady drinking and it seems to be one of the common reasons to drink. The busy thoughts are called the "committee talking" in my f2f meeting.

In the beginning booze seemed to quiet my mind for a short time, eased my tension, steadied my hands and relaxed my body. Many times I quit for short periods once, for over a year. Each time I went back it slowly it turned on me like a tamed feral cat going wild again.

The booze tricks me with brief relief, then slowly stops working to help me; it begins to make everything in life worse. Tying to get some peace by drinking even larger amounts leads me back into being depressed, life’s issues then slip with procrastination issues. Judgment also fails, problems pile up - down the slippery slope I slid into a black pit, too uptight to face the world. In that state "the committee" becomes my constant companion and I am worse off then before I took a few drinks.

I now use the AA program one day at a time, follow my doctors advice, take the Rx he gives me as directed and use other alternative modern information to stay sober and connected to life, others and my God. It all is a decision kind of thing; I do not always feel like it, often I just do it.