Lelli's Life

[lellipops]

Someone on here who is very special to me and has a lot more experience and wisdom on this matter has suggested that I start a new thread and tell you what has been happening to me.

As some of you know, I joined a couple of weeks ago and was instantly filled with enthusiasm and joy at the incredible resourse that is the SV. So many amazing people, so non-judgemental, so helpful, such strength. I felt empowered, how could I fail with all this support behind me?

The first week I was sober Mon to Thurs and felt calm and in control. Things weren't so easy at the weekend and I succumbed to a few drinks but still felt ok. Last week I felt even stronger and managed to sail through the week including Friday night which felt great. On Saturday morning when I woke up sober I felt so good. Like a weight had been lifted and a new start had begun.

On Sat night I again succumbed to drinking but not excessively and although I was disappointed , I didn't feel too bad about it. Sunday night I had more (again without losing total control) but on Monday night I lost it.

I drank more than I have done in a long time and couldn't stop until I had finished everything in the house. This is a Monday night when I have to go to work the next day and my daughters are upstairs sleeping. On top of that, I ate badly, didn't go for my evening walk, smoked loads...it's all or nothing with everything for me.

I don't remember going to bed but I left the tv on, the window open, candles still burning and my daughter got up and found this in the morning. I felt so ashamed that I could let myself get this out of control. I could have burnt the house down.

I got up and made it to work and instead of learning a lesson from it, promptly bought a bottle of wine on the way home and drank it last night. And I lied to my BF when he asked if I had been drinking. :wtf:

I feel like shit today. So ashamed, like a failure, full of hate for myself. And I was so positive just days ago. I need to find the strength to get up and get back on the horse and I know that I will but it's so tiring going through these cycles.

I have read a lot of your stories and felt so humbled about the hugely difficult experiences you have been through. You give me hope. Surely I can do it too? Sometimes I feel strong but sometimes I feel so weak and it seems like the pattern just keeps repeating itself. I have to sort this out and I want to be free of it.

Thank the universe that I have good people around me and can come here and ask for help. At least I am not alone with my struggles.

Thank you all for being there and understanding.

Love lelli