Dealing Within Self

[LuckyV2]

Today is no different than any other day that I have to continue to deal with my mental issues, and try my best to not do anything that would just be STUPID! It seems as if I am pretty good at doing things that are not very smart to do. I am not so sure what is going on within myself today. I am feeling rather like a lost soul. Reaching out, yet not reaching out far enough for anyone to grab my arm, wanting to reach, but the fear of not having anyone on the other end.

I continue to go to meetings. My newest lesson this time, or trying to learn, is to self-care. What I mean by that, is making sure that I shower each day, even on days that I don't want too or days that I feel really sick. Making sure that I keep the dishes done each day, brushing of teeth (that is what teeth I have left), Paying some attention to Chance who is a huge part of my life, and making sure that I try to be a good person, which is pretty hard sometimes for myself.

I had the privilege last night of having my three daughters here at my house for just a little while. And all I could do was feel how special it was to finally after over 20 some years to be given the honor of trying to build a relationship, and knowing that it won't just happen over night. Yet, the moment of 1/2 to a hour felt like I had known them all of my life. I didn't feel rejected, as I have felt all my life, I actually felt as if we were bonding.

Sometimes especially here lately, I feel as if I am on the edge of a mental break down. My mind tells me I am not welcome anywhere, I struggle so much with posting on other sites, I fear it actually. I sit here now with tears just streaming down my face, in desperation but not knowing what the desperation is about. Insecurity I know very well. I have made so many wrong choices in my life...So many regrets...so much harm...harm to others...harm to myself...and the most important harm is to God. I have not followed him I have chosen this life, I have to live with it now.

Fear of being outside, fear of living within...fear of self...fear of all