after a year.....

[ayla zaire]

so it's been a year, and what a year........i was not the person you all know when i was using, as i'm sure you know........i was pathetic, really.......i took like 120 vicoden a month(all prescribed by my pill happy doctor) , plus smoked tons of weed and took xanax like it was candy..........i told myself it was to numb my grief.........i was so lost when mama died.......i took care of her when she was sick, right up until the end........it was the hardest thing i've ever done.........when i lost her, i had already been taking pills a lot, but i went nuts after she died.........

i thought i was numbing my grief, but what i was really doing was wallowing it.......and hiding from it at the same time....what i've learned about loss is that you have to feel it, and face it to come to terms with it..........if you ignore it, and smother it it will never get easier........

not that it's easy now......but it's better.......i still feel that it is so unfair......she had such a hard life and she suffered so..........but i did all i could to ease that suffering, and we made her life very easy for her in the end......

so........in the past year, i have gone back to school........(where i am a 4.0 student, by the way!!! lol).......taught myself computer graphics so i have an outlet for my art, which is so liberating for me..........i LIKE myself in a way that i never have, physically and mentally......i have a confidence that i never thought was possible..........i'm proud of myself for the first time in my life......and i'm happy.........i've suffered from depression since i was a small child, so this in itself is a miracle........i've discovered my spiritual side........i can't call myself christian, but my beliefs are strongly christian..........and i love the bible, as an inspiration, not a guide to living my life...........i'm a better wife and mother than i've ever been.......my marriage is happy, in spite of our numerous problems..........and i'm a good FRIEND........i've isolated myself for years.......i had no friends at all for a long time......i feel like i have something to contribute to this world, like there is a reason i'm alive, and a purpose to my life.......what that exact purpose is, i'm not sure i'll ever know, but i do know that i'm going in the right direction..........and most of all, i forgive myself.......for everything........and i refuse to suppress who i am..........or try to live up to the expectations of others..............for the first time in my life i'm just me, and that's ok..........i've learned to let go.......of all of that junk that was holding me back.....

when i look back at my life, i realise that i have always behaved like an addict.........i have never really been sober......there was always something.........smoking weed every day for years......i did not drink too terribly often because of horrible hangovers......but when i did i blacked out and got completely wasted every time.........i took tons of acid in the 90's......i have been a selfish person......isolated in the twisted feeling that i'm alone, and unable to feel real empathy for the feelings of others...........at least, my feelings always came first over the feelings of others, with the exception of my children.........i did what i wanted, lived on impulse, and if my actions hurt others........too bad.......i had no self respect, no respect for my body and spirit.......i did things that hurt others, and in the process hurt myself..........

but after a year i am strong......