Expectations

[TexasGirl]

I have posted this on another site, so forgive me if you've read it.

I find expectations to be a blurry subject. I think I even make it harder on myself because I tell people I have no expectations and then quietly resent it. For example, with AH, I told him that I didn't care about getting gifts. I would swear that it wasn't important. I told him that so that it wouldn't hurt when he didn't buy me any. So then comes my birthday, and he doesn't buy me anything, and somewhere deep inside I am really hurt, but I swear to myself and to him that it doesn't matter if he buys me anything or not.

Or when a guy and I are starting to get to know each other/casual dating (in the past), I would tell him that I had no expectations of developing a relationship. By doing so, I wouldn't let him hurt me when he didn't initiate a real relationship. Did he really not want a relationship, or did he think I really didn't want a relationship? I don't know.... I work so very hard to keep anyone from knowing they can hurt me that I almost believe it myself. There is a teeny part of me that knows it's killing me.

Another thing...I will swear to people that they can't hurt me. And even if they were to, my skewed mentality is that as long as they don't know that they hurt me, I can handle my feelings on my own.

Either I pick someone "lower" than me, or else I swear that feelings don't exist.

I've been trying to figure this out for a bit now, and I can't fully understand what I'm even doing to myself. Thoughts?